Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

I have been on Mumsnet for years and noticed the constant referrals to this book. I wondered why it was so widely cited and came to the conclusion because it promotes a view that anyone in anguish over a partners infidelity would want to hear. Clearly the message that the offending party must behave as required is music to the ears of their suffering partner and will certainly provide some comfort. My concerns are that the longer term implications often are not thought out.

It is refreshing to have an OP on here who wants to know how to save their marriage, not how to impose maximum pain on his spouse.

I'm with Tom543's post above. You need to sort this out OP. It isn't going to go away by itself. You need to confront her regardless of the answers she might give. Tell your boss that there has been a family emergency and you need to go home. Then do exactly that and find out what the hell is going on, how she feels, whether there's any hope for your marriage etc, etc.

Don't sit on the fence with this FFS, it'll drive you round the bend and she'll still be having the affair.

So you haven't actually read it then?

I haven't either, but my BIL who had an affair did- and he highly recommends it. He reckons it saved his marriage, along with his counselling.

He bitterly regrets his affair though. And it shows that the book doesn't just appeal to the 'wronged partner'.

I can see why people wouldn't like that book if they'd had affairs that had gone undiscovered and were unregretted. I guess it would only appeal to people who were genuinely sorry for the hurt they'd caused.

Bestonever, yes, I'm being childish if I'm talking about things being fair. But I'm certainly not spreading any STDs.

Tom, I'm not bothered about self-respect but this crisis is certainly interfering with my work. And mental health? Well, I'm not a happy lad.

I need to get my head around this and then decide what I'm doing. Thanks everyone. Still interested in hearing any more comments especially from people who've been in my position.

I think you'll need to be pragmatic about everything if you plan on keeping your family intact.

However, the lack of respect your wife shows for you is pretty sad. A marriage can't work without mutual respect and good communication. This is one of my strongest beliefs.

Please, phone her or go see her and just confront her. Do it gently, nicely if you want--but please do it. If she lies to you despite you having proof then perhaps you should cut your losses.

If there is no mutual respect or open communication how is it possible that there is mutual love?

Hey op, how you doing? Some strong comments. Dunno quite what people think you can do in say three hours?! Most suggestions take time. Firstly courage to try and then well you have to have a reaction. It's all very well you planning but that takes no account of her...,

I guess it's a fling. He's flirted as he probably does with lots. She's fallen for the schtick. It's going to likely get worse before it gets better....

STDs are these days a reality. Sorry but true. This is why I guess she's not thinking either. I believe you. It sounds real enough. If it isn't not like I lose, words on a page ultimately. I'm sorry.

So,
Plan if work can change.
Plan how to bring this up - or if you do. you could have counselling alone. Do you really think you can ignore? I used to think I couldn't too, but I'm older and I have a family and I'd like to think we would both try to address things before divorce. Until it happens you just don't know.

Problem is, if you don't talk how will you know if what is presently broken gets fixed?

It's never going to just fizzle out and go away if you don't confront her. She will carry on thinking she is getting away with it and will get more involved.

You don't have to go in all guns blazing and fgs do not tell her you have been inspecting her underwear. Tell her you know about the affair, show the evidence to back this up and then ask her what she wants to do about it.

Maybe she wants you to take notice of her, you won't get any respect being a pushover.

Jeez, she really has it all doesn't she. Midweek shagging the builder and you facilitating it. Working away paying the mortgage and she just works part time, giving her plenty of time to titivate herself for the builder's pleasure. At least you aren't also financing expensive lingerie as it's been made clear he likes his cheap gifts unwrapped!

Seriously, if this is for real you need to grow a pair! And I'm actually thinking IF this is for real, she probably wants you to find out and man up. I'd have zero respect for you if I was her (and clearly she has), and possibly verging on disgust if you didn't put your foot down and man up.

You've asked for advice here, I don't know why you're so reluctant to accept it and act on it.

Also, if you're going to wait until after Christmas, have you thought about how the week will pan out when you're home...the furtive texting/emailing, she possibly moody because she's not getting her builder fix and having to put up with you instead? Hmmm...nice atmosphere that'll be....

Minnie, thanks. I'm doing OK. I think so anyway. It's hard to concentrate on anything, work or whatever. I'm sure its a fling. I just hope we can recover somehow. I'd love to think that she can think "well, that was fun, I've been a bit of a fool, stretched my legs so to speak, my husband may be a boring sod and lousy in bed but at least he makes me a cup of tea on a Sunday morning".

In which case, Minnie, I really hope she doesn't realise how much I know.

Personally, It would be done for me. You can never really rebuild a relationship when she has acted like this. It will either visibly destroy the relationship or inwardly destroy both of you. You might be able to pretend it's all fixed for a while but you will both be pretending.
I'd confront her and then bin her. Look in to the legal side regarding assets, children, etc.

Fiftyandfab, I really don't think you're being fair to either me or my wife. This is for real. As for the cheap gifts unwrapped jibe, it's a good line, a really good line, but isn't it all part of the 50-shades-of-bullshit wrapped up in a secret affair? And let's face it, I wish I could talk like that to my wife but I can't simply because we've been married so long and are friends as well as occasional lovers.

How am I "facilitating" it?

She works bloody hard at work and looking after the kids. She tires herself out, she's been absolutely exhausted with a cold for the last fortnight (true, she's using up nervous energy and, true, she's staying up later than she might if there wasn't the chance of a visit from lover.)

Yes, I realise the week at Xmas will be hell with furtive emailing. And being moody at me. I'll just have to tough it out for the sake of the family. Because if I do bring it up at Xmastime it will be my fault, don't doubt it.

I've been the one working away. It sucks, for both of you. She's still wrong to have an affair, but it may be forgiveable.
Tell her you know, and tell her you want to try to get through it. And tell her now. You're both lying now, you can lie through Xmas if you need to.
If you both want to try again, ramp up the local job search. And until you can get one, get a parent overnight every Wed night (or whenever) and get her to drive up to you. Date night, time to work it out. Time for couples counselling even. Carlisle > Edinburgh is nothing, for one night a week, in the short term.
Yes, if you tell her you know it might bring about the end. But if it does, it's an end that needs to come.
She sounds like she wants you to know, to be honest.
If you can't confront over this, I'm guessing that there is lots unsaid in this marriage.
And FFS do NOT tell her parents!!! Bloody hell!!! I'd leave someone for that.

Crunchypower. No way.

Seriously, you dont need a job nearer to home. You need a home nearer your job, and go get your kids!

Your wife is shagging a dope head in your home, in your bed, possibly at night waking your kids up.

You are deluded if you think he is not taking coke, or other drugs at your house. Your home could be implicated in Class A drugs. Your kids could find it. Carelessly spilt on the kitchen work top. What if they thought it was icing sugar and tasted it?

Do see a solicitor. If your wife loved you, she would not be doing this. She has left this marriage, and it is time you caught up and stopped coughing up for her lifestyle.

Cabrinha. Thanks. That's a useful perspective.

Lots unsaid in the marriage? The trouble is, you just don't know because it's not said.

Oh and I know that this will seem like kicking you when you are down, but... Bloody hell, this martyr thing is annoying. I find it hard to respect you. It is for your wife to make the running I know, but - I think you run the risk of her having no respect for you. I think she'd respect you more if you confronted her. And marriage needs respect.

Quintessentialshadows.

You're talking angry bollocks.

Cabrinha. Thanks for that, too.

Fair enough OP. Respect is almost impossible to get back. I think you'll never recover. You deserve someone respectful and descent. Anyway, it's up to her to fix this. First step is to tell her so she can begin to (if she wants too)

Hey, I'm not being a martyr. I'm trying to put right what I've done wrong, by working away and not being there for my wife.

Also, I think what is right for me and my family is for my marriage to work come what may. Not for us to separate. Even if the kids sense we have problems it's better for us to be a family. Sorry, but it is. I know it's not always possible for couples to reconcile but it's the best option.

Look, since all this began I've been tempted, so tempted, to go on a date with someone. There are other women that I find attractive and could fall in love with. But it would - certainly at present - just be a revenge thing, and wouldnt be right.

Husband - Quitessential's post seems like angry bollocks. But read it word for word and uninflected with emotion and apart from the bit where it says grab your kids and run, what part of that post isnt true.

Don't hide from the truth, it will set you free - as is commonplace among mixed metaphors