Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Tom, that's really good advice. Unfortunately I won't have time for any heart to hearts this weekend because it's her work staff party on Saturday night, but I can work it into conversation. I will actually take a copy of your post and read it on the train home.

Skye, thank you. How are you managing now?

why spend all of yesterday and today sat on this thread - you could have gone home and talked to her. Get a bus or a train or something - this is ridiculous. Nobody on this thread can do this for you - got bloody home man and confront her and sort it out, one way of the other.

I don't think you were being rude sexually about your wife - you was just trying to explain that it is different between you.

Most people pick up on stuff sexually when their partner's are cheating whether it be a sudden increase in frequency, overcompensation, avoidance, new requests etc. The fact you mentioned this physical change- wasn't that wrapped up in a suggested STD connection earlier in this thread?

A couple of weeks is not a long time to come o terms with what is happening here. You may well be in shock and doing the freeze thing.

I hope you are able to get your self respect together and attempt to sort this out soon.

Is a lot of the fear in tackling this centred around your losses with respect to access to children/house/financial obligations. You already know how to resolve these don't you?

No it doesn't. I am simply open to the fact that in life there are all sorts of people who get a kick out of all sorts of things. I am not sure I have ever seen a thread about cheating where the cheated party goes into such detail so frequently and unnecessarily with no apparent anger.

Those descriptions are vile and yes by far TMI. This is why people suspect you are a troll as do I.

I think that you sound pretty creepy to be honest. If you are not a troll then I imagine you to be one of those smarmy inappropriate men with a real lack of boundaries, while maintaining the wide eyed facade of being a genuine and hardworking family man. I wouldn't be surprised if your "perfect" marriage was all in your head and your wife finds you pretty creepy too.

Sparkly, I love you too.

He's on this thread all day and night because he's having a jolly good time getting thoroughly overexcited by all the attention he's getting and the chance to type explicit sexual descriptions to a load of earnest women!

I think the OP might have emotionally disengaged as a coping mechanism FatherJake. There is a weird detachment (which I pointed out before) running through this thread.

I don't think he is coping actually. I think he is in shock and we are all trying to rouse him out of it before something snaps because being this cool,calm and collected is not a normal reaction, it is concerning.

"Is a lot of the fear in tackling this centred around your losses with respect to access to children/house/financial obligations. You already know how to resolve these don't you?"

Well, yes. Except that I don't think the resolution would be satisfactory for either me or my wife. I think it would make us both more miserable than we are already.

I'm trying to cope with an unexpected situation, that's for sure.

Why not just ask to join them for a threesome and have done with it?!

I think you sound sad. Beaten but not down. With a life shattering and trying to hold on to hope.

You're doing ok op. But the time for action is approaching you know.... Can't talk here forever.

No. Better get some work done!

is the fact that your builder is fucking your wife satisfactory for either you or your wife?

Also personally after reading 50 shades this doesn't seem that detailed. Can't say I'm paying those bits much attention. (Just not interesting in the debate)

Nearly choked on 'earnest'. Too funny!

Albert, I'm not sure I understand the question.

Best report me then husband. No use for trolls round here.

Random point to make here but have you ever thought that your eldest may already know? I have had several really quite young students tell me as their teacher/form tutor "there's man/woman that comes around ..."

I vividly remember sitting in the back garden at about nine years old, being told by my friend and classmate that "my daddy has another lady when mummy is at Nanny Jenny's" - cue four weeks later one very much ruined birthday party.

Bohemian/Tom, thanks.

It's unusual for either of us to have friends (of either sex) round. I've encouraged her to have girl friends round but she says she'd have to tidy the house more. (It's spotless anyway)

Oh, 4 and 8. And the 4 year old mentioned his name the other weekend.

(but not in the sense of him having been round, he just knew that he was the person that me and wife were talking about)