Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

OP posts:
CockyMcChicken · 12/12/2013 10:51

Anyway OP, good luck. You have had unanimous advice here but you will not find any answers if you don't speak to her.

Face it, it's not really a marriage anyway if one of you is playing away and the other is too scared to mention it. Your marriage is full of dishonesty, mistrust and disrespect. Not a very good lesson for your children. And no, it will never ever go away.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 10:53

Cocky, I think it could be a very good lesson in life for the children. Though I'd rather the lesson didn't have to be just "See, we can stay together and live quite happily".

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 10:53

No you wouldn't be taking them off their mother. She doesn't have exclusive rights because they are both your children equally. You are entitled to have them half the time if possible- and you should frankly if you separate.

You could argue that owing to financial obligations she has unfairly had more than her share of time with the children up until now.....

FatherJake · 12/12/2013 10:55

I am because I just can't lose sight of the relish that's in your posts. Maybe you can't see it or admit to it yourself but that extraordinary stuff about the 'gusset' does suggest a kind of morbid fascination with what's happening. And having sex secretly wondering whether you're following on from someone else? More of the same I'm afraid.

You won't like this but it's that kind of mentality that has made people (wrongly in my opinion) think you are trolling.

Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 10:58

So what if your wife doesn't want to downsize? Tough.

It may be an unavoidable consequence of the choices she has made.

Why should you live in a rented room to support a larger than needed household and loose out on time with your children because of your wife's poor impulse control?

Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 10:59

lose

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:00

Fr Jake, of course there's a morbid fascination. At the time I wasn't wondering if I was following on, actually. I am wondering now. There have been things on this forum which have made me wonder how I'll feel about sex with my wife this weekend. I hadn't thought about STDs for a start.

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 11:01

FatherJake I am having difficulty understanding where the OP is coming from as well.

CockyMcChicken · 12/12/2013 11:01

Well my mum had affairs behind my dads back and he was daft enough to stay with her. She walked all over him and he let her. She stayed with him for the security of the house and money.

Still left him for someone else in the end though. Broke my dads heart.

Safe to say I don't speak to my mother, haven't done for years. Did her actions affect me? Yes. Did I wish my dad grew a pair? Also yes!

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:02

Flange, what I mean is, hopefully she'll stay with me even if it's just because I pay the mortgage. But if we divorced I'd probably have to pay it anyway as part of the financial settlement. My job pays significantly better than hers.

OP posts:
Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:03

Cocky, that's sad. Has your dad ever said if he thinks he did the right thing trying to keep it together?

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 11:06

It's like you are living in a bubble. How could it not cross your mind that he had been there before you when you are convinced she is having an affair? Again the STD's thing. How could that not even blip on your radar?

It is very likely that your wife is a casual encounter for this man among many and that she has exposed you to all sorts as a result.He could be into all sorts of risky behaviours. The first thing you could do is go and get tested and start taking care of yourself.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:09

Flange, yes I have been living in a bubble and some of the things on this site are popping it.

It didn't cross my mind because at that stage I wasn't convinced that they weren't just good friends. I was perhaps trying to tell myself that they were. As I said yesterday, it felt different, wet even before foreplay (sorry if there's TMI) and I put it down to her thinking about him.

OP posts:
Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 11:12

Well if you go for shared care of the children you could argue that the assets need to be split 50/50 to afford you both homes.

She would have to get off her arse and off her back and get a better job or work longer hours to meet her half of raising your children.You could then drop your hours a bit allow you some time with your children if the financial burden wasn't totally on your shoulders.

Why should you have to pay for it all and finance her lifestyle longterm?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:13

Can't argue with you there, Flange.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 12/12/2013 11:13

Oh my god, how can someone who supposedly loves their wife write such intimate details .

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:14

Sorry mummylin, what would you have me say?

OP posts:
CockyMcChicken · 12/12/2013 11:14

You know what, I've never asked him. He doesn't really like to talk about it and as I was a child at the time I don't know all of the details.

I totally understand you want to keep your marriage and I respect that. But you absolutely cannot do it with zero communication and turning a blind eye. If my husband didn't care I was shagging another man I wouldn't think he cared about me very much.

FatherJake · 12/12/2013 11:15

FFS there you go again with the relish! For the second time you have described how she was wet and put it down to thinking about him. Whether you admit it or not, you are enjoying this.

Flangeofmingetown · 12/12/2013 11:16

How long have you actually/definitely known rather than suspected?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:16

I can understand him not wanting to talk or even think about it.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 12/12/2013 11:18

I agree with you fatherjake

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 11:20

Fr Jake, your fixation says more about you, perhaps, than about me.

Flange? Err...really and absolutely known...with totally no doubt whatsoever in my mind...as opposed to a very strong suspicion? A couple of weeks.

OP posts:
tombakerscarf · 12/12/2013 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 12/12/2013 11:23

husband I have read most of this thread and your desire to save your marriage is admirable, but if she is in love with somebody else, then you do not know what she wants.

A short sharp shock to her, in that you know exactly what she is doing, may being her to her senses, it may not.

I was like you and argued with every poster who told me otherwise. My XH was talking incessantly about his best mates wife, he had developed some sort of emotional bond with her and he walked out on me and our then 3yo child.

I would have done anything I could to save the marriage for our daughters sake, but XH was simply not interested due to the level of his infatuation. I begged him to stay, I tried to dismiss the thousands of texts and emails that he had sent to her, and just destroyed myself and my self esteem in the process.

Divorce is horrible, being without your child is horrible, but sometimes there is no alternative.

Your wife is living in an unreal situation, you paying all the bills and this other man providing the love and attention.

I hope that you can find the strength to confront her over the situation and then deal with whatever happens next.