Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

I cannot imagine what planet you think it would be less hurtful to live with an unfaithful wife rather than divorce and find happiness with someone who is nicer. You say yourself your sex life is lacking, you just seem to tolerate one another because of the children. What example does this set to them I wonder. If your son told you his wife had done this would you send him to trot home, keep quiet and put up with it in the hope she will change her mind and settle for him, I very much doubt it.

Yes, but you're using "cuckold lifestyle" like it's a fun thing.

How could I not be already worrying about it in my mind? It's happening! Christ, I'm wondering if I've had sex with her on Saturday morning after she's had sex with him on Friday evening. Doesn't mean I want it or like it.

How much evidence do you actually have that this is a full blown affair? How do you know it isn't already over?

How can you bring yourself to have sex with her at the moment?

Sandy, think about it. It's not just losing the unfaithful wife who you still love, it's losing the children. Yes, losing, to some degree at least. And having them think that their parents don't love each other any more. What sort of message is that for a child?

If this ever happens to one of my sons, hopefully I'll be able to tell him to hang in there and it will be all right in the end, it was with me and my wife.

But what if it has gone too far and you cannot 'woo' her? If I was that into another man that I was having a full blown affair behind his back I'm not sure I could be with my husband in the same way as before.

Your marriage is tainted now and you may toy with the idea of her keeping her lover and her husband but I can tell you now that will not work. You were checking her knickers when you suspected her shagging someone else, what will your behaviour be like when you know she is off doing it? Knowing the details, when, where, how etc? How could you bring yourself to sleep with her knowing she is getting her kicks elsewhere?

Likelihood is she has already detached from your marriage, but then you will never know if you don't ask!

Flange. I'm not going to go into details because they are such a one-off set of circumstances that they would be absolutely and immediately recognisable if my wife was reading this, but something happened in the house recently that meant she had to tell me that he had been round.

Flange, I love her. Anyway, she's initiated the sex. Though not last weekend, she was saying she'd pulled a muscle in her leg/buttock.

Oh come on, don't come out with the rubbish about the children. You never see them now as you are never home - and they have probably heard their mother with this man and see her treating you like rubbish - how could that be good for them. It won't kill them to find out their parents don't love each other any more. What will damage them is living in a home where a lie is being lived. You really do need to wake up.

Cocky, I can but try.

Sandy, different pills for different ills. I disagree with you but I can see that many people wouldn't. I was brought up to make the best of situations.

You know you could co-parent the children and actually see more of them than you currently do if you were to separate due to your wife's affair.

Children don't have to think that their parent's don't love each other anymore if things are conducted respectfully. They can actually learn more about self-respect and dignity and the importance of upholding your values and not tolerating unacceptable behaviour in relationships than they would by being stuck in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship.

Sandy, I spend all weekend with the kids. Do you think I'd really do that if I was divorced? I'd probably be living in a different town, for a start. I talk to the kids each weeknight. Do you think I'd be able to do that if I was divorced?

Flange, I disagree. There are clearly times when families have to separate but I really want to avoid it.

Yes I think you could go for 50\50 shared care of the children and see even more of them. You could speak to them all the time too.

Flange, it would be wrong of me to take them off their mother like that.

If it carries on do you not think your wife will leave you anyway? Maybe she is smart enough not to stay in an unhappy marriage. Maybe she wouldn't want this life for your children even if you do?

I understand that you want to avoid it.

It isn't totally in your control though.

He might be more than a bit of rough to your wife. Are you absolutely sure the texts aren't just flirting? When you knew he was at your house how did you react?

Let alone the fact that neither of us would be able to afford a home for the kids.

No it wouldn't be wrong and you wouldn't be 'taking them off their mother'. They are equally your children too.

Cocky, I will do what I can to keep us together. I know it's not entirely up to me.

Flange. As above. They're in love. Absolutely sure it's not just flirting though that would be bad enough. When I knew he'd been at the house the other week, I had to laugh to myself because the full story was so comical. And then cry to myself. I was told he'd just dropped round in the first place to sound off about a bad day at work. I didn't query it.

you already are running two homes

Flange, yes they are my kids too but I would be taking them off their mother. By definition.

Sandy, I'm renting a room in a shared house.

There are ways around it with respect to the home, downsizing, renting etc.
You are currently living in two separate dwellings anyway most of the time.

Well, that may be a plus point for me because my wife will not want to downsize the home.