Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Perhaps it is because i have lived longer than many posters, but I support your measured response and respect your intention to try to save your marriage. Many thousands of marriages have survived affairs. The main thing is to not say things that are so hurtful or detailed neither of you can ever forgive or forget. There is no rush - you have the rest of your lives. I am still not sure that other posters realised that if you give up on your marriage you will also wave goodbye to your children and become a McDonald's dad. Not many of them would LTB if it meant leaving their children too. I also believe that your wife is at that vulnerable stage of emerging from babies where her self esteem and energy are likely both to be rock bottom and having the boost of attention is so very alluring. It does NOT mean that she has given up on loving you, nor that she wants the marriage to end (she could just leave you if that is what she wanted). I agree you should go back to living at home, and shower your wife with affection and practical help - sometimes offering to cook supper and put the DC to bed might be the sexiest thing you could do. On a practical level, removing the opportunity to cheat, at the same time as removing her emotional reason for cheating, may well mean that your DW comes back to you and loves you even more.

Having said all that, don't be a doormat. If nothing has changed in, say, a year then you need to think again. I hope you got some sleep!

PS you can report troll hunting posts and they disappear. It is awful to be in trouble and then to be not believed. I have been there. I believe you.

Oh, and what I have now is the following:

• children who love me and whom I see every weekend and talk to every weekday
• a wife who is outwardly kind and thoughtful, that I love very much and can have a good laugh with
• my parents/children's grandparents, who live locally and see them a lot, and who are (finally) on friendly terms with my wife
• financially, we owne a house which is worth a bit more than the mortgage, but have no real savings.

Thanks plum. I stand to lose such a lot.

Reported fiftyandfab - totally malicious comments to th OP.

Think logically OP - if this man had any intention of wanting to be with your wife in any meaningful way he would be suggesting it and pushing her to leave you. He is single remember - he has nothing to lose. He is doing the opposite he is NOT wanting you to discover the affair IMO because he doesn't want to be with your wife.

Whats the worst that could happen if you confront her - she could leave? She could do that without you confronting her anyway. You have more to gain by confronting her than not IMO

"PS you can report troll hunting posts and they disappear. It is awful to be in trouble and then to be not believed"

I see the OP has already been busy getting doubting posters deleted - fast learner for a new poster! Certainly shown more initiative sorting that out than sorting his wife out

ProfPlumSpeaking - Wise words, one of the advantagesof getting older is that you see how things work out longer term.

Who says its the op? Ive reported posts on this thread

OP my marriage survived an affair, and became a happier more stable union as a consequence. It does happen. Not many people come on here and say that because it is a not the majority view, and many posters have gone through some fairly bitter experiences which naturally colour their opinions. Accepting and seeking to move on doesn't make you a walk over, but it doe make you a little vulnerable to being taken for a fool by your DW.

Forum's suggestion that you need to pull away is spot on. Until she has that sick feeling in her stomach of 'oh sh*t, what have I done' you can't compete with the allure of the affair. I'm sorry, but it's true. In was true in my situation as well. DH was totally wrapped up in the exciting new life he had until he realised that I wasn't hanging around waiting for him. He never even opened the divorce petition papers. He started doing everything he could to undo the mess he'd created.

Don't underestimate how hard it is to move on though. I did. I thought it would be easy to just park it and move on. It's not. The number of times I have nearly left since, despite being happy, loved, looked after, and secure. I adore my DH, have forgiven him, but still have wobbles when I think 'how could he do that?', and 'why would I stay?'.

All the best, I hope you work it out. If you both love each other you probably can.

I've not reported anybody. I agree I need to grasp the initiative with my wife, though, and to me I think that needs taking Plum's advice and hoping that I can avoid a full blown confrontation while actually being there to be a husband.

Thanks, Worcsauce. I hope it doesn't come to me having to pull away - because I couldn't pretend to pull away. Are you saying that you would not have gone through with the divorce if your DH had opened the petition? Because I've found that when people get solicitors involved in a relationship there's usually no going back. (I'm a solicitor. I don't do family law though).

I've reported too. Do you think only your troll calls are VIP?

Please tell me post/thread this is a wind up! Is not this meant to be the season of goodwill?

Me too Moomins. I'm frankly appalled at some of the horrid comments to the OP on here.

Husband- I can see why you are not wanting to confront immediately, you seem to have a good control on your emotions and are wanting to manage this situation rationally. I had an affair once, I was not married but had been in a very happy relationship, the affair lasted 3 months and it tore me apart. The guilt, I moved out of our house after 2 weeks of it into a friends as my head was such a mess. I had huge upheaval in my life at the time, this other man thought I needed rescuing and my head which was already a car crash became an even bigger one.

My partner at the time didn't know why I moved out, I couldn't tell him, and when I did months later he didn't lose it. I loved him, I had no idea why I had the affair with this other man, he made major moves on me and I didn't stop them, I wrecked something that I was so happy with. Self destruct.

I got myself counselling, I moved back in, 2 years later I proposed to him and now we have two beautiful children and I love him more now than I ever imagined. People do make mistakes, something had gone wrong in my head. Ill probably get a flaming for this myself, but I am so grateful that he gave our relationship another chance and that he gave me the chance to work it out. It took 2 years of counselling! By myself every fortnight but sometimes something is worth fighting for.

I do think you need to discuss this with her, it's going to be unpleasant, she may walk away....but you sound like you have the patience to work through this, and if she has too, then you will get through it.

Pick your moment, after xmas if needs be, but do tell her you know. Tell her you are not willing to be part of a relationship that involves three people and that if she wants to be married to you she must cease the affair. Tell her you won't be taken advantage of in this way. Don't waste time dropping hints, making subtle suggestions, waste of time. Be upfront and crystal clear. Make it clear you wish to stay with her if she ceases the affair. Don't apologise.don't ask her why she's doing it. The clearer you are about what you want and how it has to be from then on, the better. Then you need to see her response and go with it...currently you think you can manipulate her feelings depending on how you act. This is not the case...you can't control her.all you can do is be clear about your needs. The rest is up to her. She may deeply disappoint you, or she may do as you hope.good luck.

Morning op!

Didn't get much sleep I see. Gets a bit addictive trading posts, watch that ;)

It isn't fashionable right now to stay married through severe tests. It's all LTB. Until it happens to you you cannot really know what you might do. I agree it's worth trying though. You cannot regret trying IMO. Profplum and worcs posts are interesting.

I only advocate doing a bit of research so were it to unravel you could be a touch prepared. It just gets so complicated so quickly. It could steel your resolve more too. Your going to need strength from wherever its available.

OP we got as far as the decree nisi. I filed under adultery so the process could happily trundle along without much input from him. I was completely serious, it wasn't a game. It did make us talk though, and sort out the problems in our marriage (there were some pretty fundamental misunderstandings on both sides). To be honest I just wanted him to be happy and to escape and be happy myself, so the whole situation was remarkably amicable.

What a lot of the women on here don't understand (some do) is that the man stands to lose significantly more if he leaves. Maybe the marriage can't survive this in any real sense but waking up to my 6 month old this morning I know how difficult it would be make a decision that took him away from me. Especially if I still loved my girlfriend despite her indiscretion.

I watched a very good friends marriage collapse similarly. The talks I had with the dh re the kids were illuminating heart breaking and I don't think either side was prepared or expected the reality of single with kids life.

To be totes honest it altered my views remarkably. In more ways than I expected. And for my own dh too.

OP, you say you can't do anything til you move closer to home right? Well what happens when you do that after this has been going on for months? Do you think your wife will enjoy having you around or will she be annoyed by your presence? You will be getting in the way of hooking up with lover boy.

It will not stop if you don't confront her and if you want to keep your marriage you cannot let it carry on or she will leave you for him or someone else eventually anyway. Tell her you are moving back, see how she reacts to that.

You are the dependable one who keeps a roof over her head. You do not excite her. You are quite clearly lacking confidence and maybe believe you are punching above your weight with your wife?

I told her I'd decided that I needed to move back, because obviously the family wasn't going to join me up here (which was the orginal idea) and I'd now done this job for a year so I couldn't be accused of being a flybynight in the job market. My wife said, good, but don't hand your notice in until you've got a new job. Which was the line my mother took as well.

Cocky. Of course it will cause annoyance when I'm around and spoiling her fun, if it's still going on then. But by being there I can woo her again.

Two possible conclusions after reading this thread.

1. OP is someone who is willing to embrace and possibly gets off on the cuckold lifestyle. There are plenty of guys out there who actually revel in their wife finding a more masculine, dominant man and who take pleasure in being a wimp or cuckold while at the same time keeping the family together. As soon as I saw the stuff about bed checking, gusset inspection and the other guy being better in bed that's what came to mind - as does the generally fairly light hearted tone of OP's posts coupled with the lack of bitterness.

1. OP is a fantasist who, for the reasons mentioned above, secretly gets off on the fantasy of his wife is sc&ewing behind his back.

Thank you Father Jake. I don't think I'll be attending communion in your parish.

1. OP is desperately trying not to be bitter. OP wants his wife to be his wife. OP is desperately trying not to break down, that's why OP is being as light hearted as he can be.

1. OP wishes he was a fantasist but unfortunately has hard evidence.

But I can see how you reached those conclusions.

Short term I am gritting my teeth because I know he's screwing her and I can't stop it. Long term I don't know - if my wife insisted on keeping a lover, while keeping us together as a family, well, that would break my heart but would it break my heart more than a divorce?

OK so we'll leave point 2 aside. But your point 1 and my point 1 aren't actually massively far apart as you are already entertaining in your mind the possibility of sharing your wife with another guy. That's when you start getting into the realms of a cuckold lifestyle...

You do have a chance to stop it though by confronting her. If she is given an ultimatum you have a good chance that she will stop in order to save your marriage.

The longer it goes on the worse it is likely to get. She needs to know how this is eating away at you and how passionately you want to keep your marriage together. At least then you can say you have tried to fight for your marriage.