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Original poster

Discovered wife's affair - advice please

583 replies

husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 11/12/2013 10:59

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

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AnandaTimeIn · 11/12/2013 23:19

All that I've heard people say has actually been said via my wife in the first week or so of the affair, maybe before it properly started.

Hmmm, yet you know they've shagged on the sofa while the kids are asleep upstairs....Hmm

I'm outta here.

ellengeorgia · 12/12/2013 00:10

fiftyandfab it seems you are the one who needs reporting

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:26

Can't sleep.

Bestonever, I hadn't thought about the third party aspect,I'll think about it.

Amanda, if you actually take the time to read my account, you'll see that what I say makes chronological sense.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:31

Kewcumber, I am aware that moving back home will not be a miracle cure. But it will reduce the opportunity significantly. Not entirely, of course not. And actually it will be more painful for me if things continue once I'm home because there won't be the same excuse of my being away. I know ignoring it is not working through our problem but letting my wife know that I'm really trying hard to get a job back home has got to be a big signal that I want to make things work.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:32

All I'll say about GUM clinics is I really would rather have my wife back and share a disease with her than not have her at all.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:33

And I bet that lousy bastard who's shagging her wouldn't say the same thing.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:40

...though actually, having just re-read that post, am now wondering just how it would be if I found out she had something incurable and life-changing like HIV or syphilis. Now wondering if I would rather opt out in that situation. I don't think you really can know until it arises.

While I'd like to think I'd have the courage to opt in, would I cut and run?

I hope it doesn't come to that.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:41

Are there any support groups for betrayed spouses?

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Liberton · 12/12/2013 01:45

I am sorry you are going through a horrible time =(
I cheated once...I was 16 so a decade ago...I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I ended the relationship the next day.... The shame was unbearable...Even though nobody knew! I am only saying this because I don't understand how she can lie and live a double life for so long...
She might think that she is protecting the kids...She might blame you for being far away..But there is no excuse!
I am in a long term relationship and we have a little boy...Don't get me wrong, it's difficult! It's a roller coaster but we admit it and talk about it!
You need to tell her that you know...Ask a family member to have the kids for a couple of hours so that you are not interrupted....You can't ignore it, it won't go away.... =(

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:48

Thanks Liberton. I think a one off cheat like you did - and instantly regretted - is a completely different level from this. Because I think she's in love with him.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:53

The best time for us to talk is on a Saturday morning or Sunday morning in bed. We can sometimes be uninterrupted by the kids. Plus everything looks rosier when you're lying in bed together. Or maybe it just looks rosier for me.

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Polynomial · 12/12/2013 01:54

The fact that his mother receives his wages to pay his bills, while he uses cash-in-hand money to pay for cocaine, and he is "treating her mean while keeping her keen" is ringing alarm bells for me - he sounds like a real player. So an STD check is a must.

What financial and relationship messes has he made in the past....and he is getting his feet under the table in your house by the sounds of it. Sorry, but is this the role model you want for your boys?

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:56

Can someone who has been through this please tell me, did it actually help to tell the cheating spouse you knew? Did it bring you back together? Did it allow you to concentrate at work again, to sleep at night, to eat a bowl of cornflakes rather than leaving it uneaten?

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 01:58

His mother receives his wages because he can't be trusted not to spend them on coke. But wife may think she can step into that role. I'm told he's intelligent, witty, gsoh. Wife goes on about his ears being particularly ugly so that nobody could fancy him. I hope he is a player and moves on. But he's shooting at an open goal at the moment.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 02:00

She's at that stage of besottedness where she can't stop talking about him. Even to me (though clearly with disclaimers)

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GhettoPrincess001 · 12/12/2013 02:12

Ask her outright, 'How close are you ?' i.e. close friends. You could ask her, 'if you weren't married, would you want to be more than friends ?'

You could hint that you know more than you are letting on and say, 'I think he's fond of you'. Followed by, is there something you need to tell me about this, it's just that friends/family have warned of this bloke'

PileOfSheet · 12/12/2013 02:16

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GhettoPrincess001 · 12/12/2013 02:19

He's posting on the internet at this hour because he can't sleep because he's so worried. (The poor bastard). He attempted to go to sleep four hours ago.

If you're going to turn your venom on me, you'd better go ahead.

GhettoPrincess001 · 12/12/2013 02:23

When you go home for Christmas, ask if any friends will be popping in or whom you will be visiting either as a couple or single. Just be friendly and conversational about it. It's obviously a veiled 'will you be seeing him ?' Just see whether she squirms.

Have a chat about hopes and dreams for the coming year. Sorry, but even if the affair fizzles out, you may end up feeling less of a man for not confronting her. Also, how comes she gets to have her cake and eat it ?

fiftyandfab · 12/12/2013 02:25

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 12/12/2013 06:17

Confronting my ExH about the affair didn't help me feel better or improve my appetite tbh. But putting your head in the sand won't help either.

I was the poster who recommended that book earlier in the thread, I've been lurking since.

Be warned when you confront her she may deny it, re write history, gas light you or she may admit to it but blame you for it. In order for your marriage to heal she'd need to end it and have complete transparency afterwards. Read the book. It covers all of this.

I couldn't save my marriage, he didn't want to but I know I did everything I could to try to at the time.

You're welcome to pm me anytime.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 06:45

Thank you again, good people. Wish there was a simple way to block people like pile and fifty.

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Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 07:20

Dontstep, thanks for what you've posted. I may well look at the book, but I really don't need her to be completely transparent, I just need her to stop the affair. Sure, there'll be a scar on the marriage, but it can heal.

Very sorry you couldn't save your marriage - or rather, that your exH wouldn't save it. Clearly, I need to try something, it's just knowing what and how.

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forumdonkey · 12/12/2013 07:27

My best friends DH works away for weeks at a time and always has the 16 or so years she has known him, she is a stunning and sexy lady who is not short of attention and admirers but I know she has never ever cheated on her DH - IMO this has nothing to do with you working away. The only thing your being away from home is doing is making the opportunity easier for her to see her lover.

So lets say you get a job closer to home, what happens when you are at work? If her lover is a builder working on different sites it wouldn't be hard to have to pop off site for materials and visit your wife and home for an hour while you're at work down the road.

I think in reality and of course its OMO this guy isn't serious about your wife. He's a single party animal who is getting an easy shag and I honestly think he would be mortified at the thought of you finding out because he wouldn't you kicking your wife to the kerb and your wife thinking they could be together or a 'family' or together in any serious context. I would put money on that. Even if you split with her I doubt they would end up together in a happy ever after meaningful way. Men like that don't and you said in your OP he's already not turning up and letting her down - better offers???

Good luck but you are doing yourself no favours rolling over and taking it. Not until you act against what she is expecting is she going to get her wake up call and realise what she has and what she's got to lose. If you really want to save your marriage perhaps she needs to go through the process of 'losing' you to realise.

Original poster
husbandwhowantstostaymarried · 12/12/2013 07:30

Yes, perhaps. But it's risky, isn't it? I could end up with less than I've got now, and with other people upset as well, such as my parents and children.

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