Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Thank you everyone else. I really am off to bed now.

Report me, fifty. I know I'm real. I know I've had a good, really useful conversation out of this. If anyone wants to send me a message they can. I'm not assertive with posters who disagree with me, but I'm assertive with posters who just think I'm a troll because I disagree with them. For all I know you could be a troll too.

And why am I not so assertive with my wife? Because she's my wife, she's the mother of my children, she's having an affair and I'm not there!
Sleep well.

Show me a man who's not a wanker.

"Fuck you, Lazeyjaney"

So, you can get angry, and merely at someone questioning your motives, and yet you can't get the slightest bit angry at someone pegging your wife in your own bed?

Reported.

Janey, see my reply to Fiftybutfab.

Yes, I get angry when I'm asking for advice and people like you think I'm fake.

And I'm angry about what's happening at home.

But in the end it matters not two hoots what I say to witchhunters like you and Fifty. And it matters a hell of a lot what I say to my wife.

Matilda, you could be right about things blowing up over the Xmas holiday. I hope they don't.

Anyway. I REALLY AM GOING TO BED and am turning off the computer now.

Asking my wife to go to the VD clinic is definitely a no-no, though.

When people were telling you that your wife was getting too close to this man,why didn't you do something about it? Your wife was indirectly warning you that she was being neglected,and you chose to ignore the signals,to the extent that others had to point it out. Very silly.

Hey, fifty, you might be right. Doesn't that make you feel good?

Chanel. It happened very fast. People weren't telling me. All that I've heard people say has actually been said via my wife in the first week or so of the affair, maybe before it properly started. My wife was telling me and I was trying to tell her, no, this isn't right, but she wouldn't listen, she insisted they'd just be friends. What could I do? I was only home at weekends. Sure I'm silly.

Really, really turning computer off.

Fifty who designated you the troll police or my boss?

If I post it's free will. I'm willing to see it go pfft if necessary by mnhq. It's silly enough to be real and odd enough to be fake.

Get some sleep op. Things might look Better tomorrow.

fifty if you think he is a troll, just report and go away

you sound rather unhinged yourself, why does this bother you so much ?

go and have a cuppa or something

if there is a chance this bloke is real, say your piece and then leave it...as it is, you are being an utter bitch, and I am afraid that says more about you than him

I have my share of deleted posts for troll hunting in the past, but you're like a dog with a bone, the personal attacks are worse than the possible fantasy

Fucking hell give it a rest, report and ignore if you are thinking troll.

Ignoring the slightly deranged posts...

OP I'm not syaing you shouldn't fight for your marriage (and I don;t think many others were either).

I said that ignoring it and hoping it will all go away in not fighting for your marriage not is it "working through your problems".

If you think working closer to home will make it all miraculously better then you are very very mistaken. I've had an affair in the past with a man whose wife I'm sure would have said that he had no opportunity for an affair. If his wife had found out and hadn;t even mentioned to him my interpretation would have been that he just didn;t care enough to make an issue of it.

How is it you have not responded to the suggestion I had of telling Bob the Builder you know. You do seem fixated on not telling your wife. This way your wife would not have to know and it would stop it all now, problem solved to your satisfaction is it not then?
Unless, you are thinking you don't want the affair to end because it is making her happy, and we know you want to see her happy at any cost. Back in the real world, at some point she will be unhappy as she will either lose him or you or both. But wait, wasn't she unhappy in the first place which is why the affair? You cannot protect her from her feelings.
I'm ok Jack attitude to an STI check is appalling, it's not just you, it's the unsuspecting women that have sexual contact with bob the builder because nobody told him he needs to get treated as they had their heads too stuck in the sand to tell him. He's younger, his other women could be younger and not had families yet. You have the power to prevent a young person's life being changed forever and you won't take it because you are weak. I repeat, take the test, CHALLENGE BOB.