Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Hello OP. I think you are being a little bit silly and selfish when it comes to checking for STI. That man coukd be sleeping with your wife at weekends and with another one or two during the week and without protection. That is a chain and unfortunately there have been cases when men (in particular) knew about HIV they had but had unprotected sex.
Sorry to be that harsh.
I sincerely understand you want to save the marriage. If my DH did this to me I would be disgusted to sleep with him. But everyone is different.
I understand you just do not know what to do. Regarding STI you could probably joke to her: darling, i do hope you are using protection with Bob d Builder as I am really worried about you catching something. What will be her reaction as you do not attac her and do not threaten her? She might think you are a fool or she might deny d affair or she might ask why do you think we have been having sex. Just say that you have known it for sometime. Let her think. If you attack her she will try to defend herself but if you show you are not particularly bothered by it then it will make her think. Also, do not humiliate yourself by beggin%her to stay with you although I am pretty sure everything will work well for both of you.

You cannot trust a man who shags your wife.

No, it's not a wind-up. I'm not a "man of the world", I'm a man with very limited sexual experience before I got married (never had the bottle to put myself around or even to ask many girls out - you won't find it hard to believe that after the lack of guts I've shown all day) and I've never had to even think about STDs before.

There's no reason why we can't discuss this with a modicum of wit. The domestic murder thing was true, actually, though it was meant in a humorous way. And I'm rather more than 2 hours away from home. Nearer 4 from door to door. As I've said, I don't have a car. My wife does.

And Heathcliff, I may be old school. But I genuinely believe it's better for the kids for us to stay together come what may and to work through our problems if we can. I don't want my children to think they can make everything OK by running away from a problem. I appreciate you have a different point of view but I don't know your circumstances so I will just say your mum did what was right for her. But it wouldn't be right for me.

And sucking a cock can give papiloma virus. Remember Michael Douglas? Although he is a man it spreads both ways. So stop being stubbirn and silly and go to the doctor, just in case.

Well if it isn't a wind up, do you realise that your reactions are unusual? How is your mental health generally?

Yes, ok, it would be denying reality not to get a checkup.

What's wrong with wanting to forgive my wife and save my marriage? Sure I'd like to kick the man's head in. But that's not going to happen.

Mental state - fed up but not actually depressed in any medical sense. I don't think.

Well, I need a new front door mat to wipe my feet on OP. I think you would fit the bill!

husband, why do you feel no anger?

this is just fucking nuts. I hope you catch something really nasty, just to make the angry gene kick in (well, I'd think this if I believed for another second this is for real, which it's not!)

Of course I'm angry but what good would anger do? I'm angry with myself.

You're being taken for a fool. You know it, and you don't even care.

Of course I care. Give it some thought, Seraphim. If I didn't care I'd just fuck off and not be making a fuss about it.

I'd rather be a fool who can mend his marriage than be full of self-righteousness and totally out in the cold.

I mean you don't care that you're being made a fool of. That would be the worst thing for me - the possibility of people thinking I'm a gullible fool, that would be the worst betrayal.

But you're not a gullible fool - you know what's going on, and you're too scared of being alone to confront it.

What's your game here OP? To test how many fools you can make of largely helpful people who will still take you seriously?

Yes, I'm scared, not of being alone, but of losing my wife and children. And don't say I've already lost her because I haven't. She's just misplaced herself. Sure I'd rather not be cuckolded. But it's happened and I've got to make the best of it.

guys, get real, all the original respondents have left because a) he wouldn't accept advice, and b) he's a troll, THIS IS NOT REAL!

Fuck you, Lazeyjaney. And thank you, thank you, most of the people on this forum. I don't want to hear what you're saying but that doesn't meen I don't need to.

Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted and I'm off to bed.

And that, to me, makes you weak.

Fifty, I hope when one day you have problems you find someone to believe you. Until then, you'll just have to make do with your pathetic assertion that you are still "fab".

I know I'm weak.

Fifty, if you don't like the fact that someone doesn't agree with your advice, then lump it.