Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

Because you donut if it goes south it will be in a split second. "Get out of the house" and if that's said you need to have some idea of what steps you need or want to take FAST.

She's maintaining a marriage just and deceit. You are quite capable of doing two things at once. It might firm your resolve as well. She would. Of that I'm extremely confident.

You don't need to ever say anything but to not at least call CAB is barmy. This is about your children as much as you two if not more

You're being taken for a mug. You've been given some excellent advice on here and are totally ignoring it all. She doesn't love you. If you let yourself be treated this way and don't allow yourself some self respect and dignity then i'm afraid deserve all she does to you.

If you were my son and you were allowing someone to disrespect you and your marriage like this I would be devastated.

Well, Minnie, I don't think she'd say that. But what do I know? I seem to be a bit of a numbskull about so many things.

Yes, Heathcliff, but surely you'd be more devastated if the marriage broke up and you couldn't see your grandchildren.

Husband I think you are going through the stages of grief

Your marriage is over, The first stage is Denial -> Anger -> etc.

Eventually it will come a time you will have to accept your marriage is over and there is nothing you can do.

If I was in your situation I wouldn't even tell her I know she's having an affair. I would just tell her I have enjoyed living alone and I want a divorce.
That way she'll always wonder why you divorced her.

But importantly for now have an STI test just incase you've caught something. Chances are she isn't the only person he is shagging.

Arsenal, I'm sure you are correct that I am going through the stages of grief.

But I'm not intending that the marriage should be over. I will fight for it.

Why should I say I want a divorce when I don't? I don't want to score points.

But you're right about the STD test, I suppose, even though he apparently hasn't had a girlfriend for a few years.

Oh dear you're so blinkered. My parents divorced after my fathers long term affair and it didn't mean i stopped seeing any of my family, grandparents or otherwise. What it did mean was that my mother was finally treated with the respect that she deserved and taught my brother and I how to treat our own marriages.

Really am going to get some food now. Night, folks. Will check in later on.

Heathcliff, we each see through our own blinkers. There's never been a divorce in my extended family. No doubt there have been affairs - I wouldn't know, but I can't see how there couldn't have been. But they've all been resolved and to me that's the way it should be.

Though, thinking about it, family legend has it that there was a domestic murder, back in the 19th century. (I'm serious). Perhaps a divorce might have been better than that.

There is nothing wrong with having a bit of respect, husband. Self respect is important not only for the self, but for your children to see that you have took care of yourself.

I know you say the children are too young but if they are over 18 months old they will pick up on things. A different voice downstairs that isn't Mummies or Daddies, a man using their bathroom, possibly some words they hear their Mummy say to this new man. They must be between 4-9 and that is old enough to understand enough to cause trauma and upset. I remember my parents arguing about my sister at aged 4 and I could tell you some of the things that were said then (I wont, obviously).

This will leave an impact on your children. You may not think it will, but it will but you will both see this.

Your wife owes her children some respect and to know about boundaries and to treat their father with some respect.
You owe your children some loyalty to their emotions and to stand up for yourself, so they know how to handle things when they grow up.

Doing nothing is not an option for anybody. I know you might think that playing ostrich is a good idea but believe me, it will never be right. Perhaps if you do confront her you can move on or maybe not, who knows. All I know is if you say nothing it will continue. As you have said they want it to last as long as possible so it's clear it'll continue until either you confront her or she sneaks off and packs her bags/she packs yours.

I don't mean to be harsh about your kids or what will happen but it's the truth and the truth must rule over your feelings at the time.

Well I don't really know why you bothered asking for advice on here then. If you want to be in an unhappy marriage so be it because it will be unhappy, and eventually your wife will leave you for someone else who has some balls.

Good luck, you'll need it.

The way that it sounds to me is that she has told you her parents and friends told her not to get to close and she reassured you that they wouldn't but meanwhile she has and is. She has done that to a) double bluff you or b) provoke you into a reaction or c) both.

in an intimate adult relationship you should bothe be honest with each other for it to work. She has not been honest with you, granted, but equally you are not being honest with her and telling her that you know about the affair. How can your marriage work if you are both playing games with each other?

I would not speak to her parents about it before you have spoken to her as they will undoubtedly speak to her about it and that will cause all sorts of problems.

You do need to talk to her. If you can't do it over the phone and won't do it over Christmas then take some annual leave in the New Year and do it then.

Ignoring the problems and hoping they'll go away if you keep quiet isn't fighting for your marriage. I'm sorry that you think it is because I suspect that one or other of you will eventually be resentful and unhappy and gone are the days where people stayed in unhappy marriages for decades because that was the done thing.

My ex was army and was overseas for large chunks of our time together. I never felt I wanted to cheat even though I missed him (and sex).

The most bizarre thing is that you seem to be getting turned on by the idea of them together, knicker inspecting and thinking how comfortable they'll be fucking on your sofa. An odd reaction from a wronged husband. Though not from a troll, strangely enough.

And that's another terrible thought that there can be STDs with no symptoms (though it's hard to see how they can do any harm in that case).

Good lord - how old are you?! Does anyone over 13 actually believe that?

Domestic murder in 19th C...........hahahahahah, cue media story about how naïve MNers are!

Oh sweetie I hope she screams from the rooftops she's sorry and falls into your arms.....

....but please protect what you have if she doesn't, your dcs.

Does that not make some sense? Even sad sense? Fighting is great but don't throw the kingdom away over a horse shoe nail (you like quotes that one might get through...)

Latent syphilis affects your central nervous system before you have any lesions.
AIDS shuts down your immune system
Chlamydia, gonorrhoea mostly affect your reproductive system but it's not just a matter of sterility: imagine developing abdominal pain so bad it makes you vomit constantly....hmm, that'll be your testes necrotising then.

Just get the check.

I really am beginning to wonder about your veracity. You're working in a well paid job and are presumably reasonably intelligent. Why are you behaving like a lovesick 16 year old?

Failing to plan is planning to fail (ie lose the kids if plan a doesn't work....!)

You need to grow some balls and a backbone.

I sincerely hope it is a wind up.

Being two hour away and not going home to talk to DW.

Thinking that illnesses with no clear early symptoms are nothing to worry about...