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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 10/12/2013 14:30

Oh I get that, Milly, I just meant the 'rule' that you're not supposed to sleep together on the first/only date. Agree about not being needy, running after him etc. It's important to have your own life and self-respect (though not just because 'men like it'!)

MillyChristmas · 10/12/2013 14:31

You are showing him that you are happy to sit around and wait for him because you have no life.
Do it...text him your busy and watch as he back pedals.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/12/2013 14:32

If you have to entice this guy to want to spend time with you by making him think you have other things to do, then you're onto a loser.

Don't do ANYTHING at this point for his benefit.

Just for your own.

And you are best served by making plans to do some fun things this weekend, and not giving this man you don't know so much headspace.

He can only hurt you if you give a shit, and given that you don't know him, you shouldn't give a shit.

MillyChristmas · 10/12/2013 14:33

Ephiny I agree. We should have our own lives but the OP is doing the thing we women do before we learn the correct way. Grin

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 14:37

Seriously, Milly?

Manipulating him into wanting to see her?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/12/2013 14:39

The thing is, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to go to a Christmas market with a man you just shagged.

It's not DESPERATE or NEEDY to fancy spending time with someone you fancy and are just getting to know.

The message that normal, friendly social interaction between adults who like each other is WRONG and HEAVY (because a woman is interested in it) is the SAME message as the one that paints all women as needy and desperate.

He has ALREADY told you enough for you to be absolutely crystal fucking clear that he is either not interested, or he is a player - he promised the earth before you met, he gave all that guff about sleeping together being a "mistake", he has stopped his boaky morning texts.

The only sad thing here is that this poor bastards is going to miss out on spending time with YOU.

He was very lucky to be offered the opportunity to spend this weekend with you, but he BLEW IT.

Poor fella :( :o

I feel very sorry for him. Because he came so close to something great with you and he fucked it up.

Oh well, life is too short to feel sad about him for long.

MillyChristmas · 10/12/2013 14:48

Walter NO not manipulating him. Weeding him out. If he dies want to see her and is running scared then the reality that she has a life and she is busy will either make him realise that he can't treat her badly and has to take action or he will not care and just used her for sex. Weeding out the good guys from the bad. Her self esteem is already in shreds here otherwise there would not be this thread.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2013 14:49

Laurel... I wouldn't text him, I'd drop off the planet myself. If you DO text him, how will you feel when he either replies with "That's fine" or worse still - doesn't reply at all?

You've already invested feelings and emotions into this (non) relationship. I think you should pull back completely. If he does get in touch with you, be cool and don't agree to any more of this 'push me, pull you' type contact. You'll get fed up soon enough and hopefully by that time, you won't mind so much.

I saw a great quote on here which will hit home, I think - "Never make a priority of somebody for whom you are only an option".

QuintessentialShadows · 10/12/2013 14:50

It is better that you found out what sort of man he is after just ONE date, than after 3 or 4. Less time and emotions invested, eh?

MillyChristmas · 10/12/2013 15:50

Just a thought, he might be in a relationship already and uses this dating website on the side. I was a bit wary when you said that you talked about sex before the date. There are a lot of men who use these websites to prey on women. Confused

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 16:09

That just seems like an awful lot of effort just to try and get the man to talk to her!

Fuck that!

He's not worth that. NOBODY is worth that.

Joysmum · 10/12/2013 17:34

I don't understand why you can't just talk to him and say your concerned about giving him the wrong signals after your first date and what does he think about it.

He's not a mind reader, you're not a mind reader, and everybody on here doesn't know how he's thinking anymore than you do and will project their own thoughts into this which may, or may not be right or even helpful.

The only thing I can say is that he and my hubby talked things through from the start, weren't afraid to open up and be honest. Tbh, reading a lot of threads in the relationships forum in which those seeking, and giving, advice can't seem to actually talk about the problem or acknowledge the problem certainly don't stand much if a chance of working through it.

Just talk to him and get him to talk to you!

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 10/12/2013 17:42

Join I love your posts!!

I'm pretty certain he's not on a relationship, we are friends on Facebook and it really doesn't look like there has been anyone about from what I can see.

I'm not sure if this makes any difference, sorry trying not to drip feed but was just thinking this afternoon about other stuff he said. Last week, although we had already planned to go out on Saturday night, he asked me to meet him 3 separate occasions- none suited me as I work funny hours etc. And when we first met online at the very start- he first messaged me 3 months ago through the website- he was unbelievably keen, to the point where I had to tell him to back off (as he was bombarding me with texts). It was only when I accepted his Facebook request 2 weeks ago that we got in contact , as I'd been mulling over that he probably was a decent guy. Am now wondering if he's trying to show that he's not being too keen or desperate in case I back off? Maybe Im clutching at straws though! In the message he sent me last night where he apologised for getting carried away on the first date, when I said it was ok, I didn't want to rush things either but it was the heat of the moment, he said "glad u don't hate me." Seems he thought I'd be annoyed at him for wanting to have sex on first date?

Anyhow I have the feeling I'll not hear until Thursday night when he finds out if he has to do this sports thing on Sunday. If I don't get a text on Thurs am definitely cutting my losses.......

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 10/12/2013 17:44

Joysmum I'd love to talk to him but I'm now afraid to ring/text further in case he thinks Im stalking him.... But if we do meet up of if he rings I would definitely do what you've suggested

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 10/12/2013 17:47

He also said something at the very start that if things didn't work out between me and him that he wouldn't try online dating again as he felt people were just looking for a quich shag online. And it does look like he's deleted his online profile

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2013 17:52

Laurel... Remember what your motivation was in posting here? You said that you wanted other people to tell you that he was 'keen'. If he really were keen, you wouldn't need to hear it from other people because you'd know it from him. You have 'spidey senses' telling you that all isn't as you'd hoped. Listen to them. Stop straw-clutching. We all do it sometimes but it serves no purpose other than to distract you from the true - or most likely - picture.

Why hasn't he texted you when he did that before? Changed behaviour right there. Don't text him - and don't be available for another date like the last one. If you do meet up again, make it a neutral place.

If he doesn't contact you tomorrow, write him off straight away - no contact at all. Whatever his lame excuse if he eventually gets in touch. You deserve better than this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/12/2013 17:54

How do you KNOW that he means what he says, Laurel? You seem to be taking everything as truth when you don't know him at all. He may have more than one profile, be registered on multiple sites, etc.

Do you have RL friends that you could arrange to be busy with? It would distract you from phone-checking, profile-stalking and allowing your day's thoughts to be taken up with HIM.

piratecat · 10/12/2013 18:01

laurel he might have blocked you on the dating site. if you want to pm me i could check for you if he's still on there. that's if it's Plenty of fish x

Lazyjaney · 10/12/2013 18:05

What Joysmum said. Rather than constructing elaborate projections of what might be in his mind and then reacting to those.

waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 18:06

laurel he's been texting you every morning, until the day after you had sex with him and now nothing?

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 10/12/2013 18:07

Thanks Piratecat I'll have a look, I haven't used the site for a few months, but his previous messages should be stored on my account I think?

I realise Im probably the one looking needy now.... Wish Zi could help myself! I have a lovely evening out planned on Thursday with my friend and her kids, then working on Friday and going to Panto on Saturday night with DD, so at least I'll be more pre occupied I hope rather than checking phone!

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 10/12/2013 18:07

I, not Zi....

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 10/12/2013 18:09

Yep Walter.... Apart from one day last week that is (which was also a Tuesday)

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 10/12/2013 18:13

I don't know. I think it's suss.

Cut your losses!

piratecat · 10/12/2013 18:14

if you do a search for him and he doesn't come up, either he's not on there, or isn't searchable (ie blocked).

x