Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP, definitely do NOT raise the subject of the nature of your r-ship next time you meet (I don't agree with Bertie on this).
By having that sort of serious conversation you are exactly 'being heavy'! As you ar both anxious at the moment for various reasons, just trust me - be light hearted and have a laugh on the next date, kiss if you like, but do not ask his intentions or sleep again, if that's how shaken you are. Go like this until HE shows signs of wanting more involvement, I think it will happen very soon by the sound of it, if you show you are happy to relax and just enjoy the moment. If he really isn't up to a relationship, you will notice this very soon.

I'm a bit of a "Get the first time over with" kind of a gal - but I've never had a one night stand.

If a bloke really likes you it won't put him off and if it does then he's no loss.

not necessarily, anti. He may have had a bad experience in the past with a woman who got hugely emotional after having sex - it does happen a lot! It doesn't mean he's not interested in OP, he just wants gradual progress probably. If anything, players distance temselves later on, after having a few hot sex sessions while giving promises. It's unusual to be so upfront after just one time, for a player.

It can also mean that he seriously likes OP and is guarding his own emotions (like he's telling HIMSELF not to get emotional yet). The only way to find out is to slow down and see what happens, untill they both feel more confident. If he just disappears , he's a wanker and it's no loss, but wouldn't write him off at this stage! I'm sure OP doesn't really want to just head first emotionally either at this point anyway.

just rush in head first

As Horse says if he's put off by sex on the first date then he's likely to be a misogynistic arse. (and you've saved yourself time!)

Yes to that!

My current Dp was what I thought was a one night stand. 5 years and one DS later things are still amazing!

He sounds lovely, just go with the flow.

God, this is why I love MN. Recently met a guy - chased me (but not too much). Spent the night together. No sex but pretty fruity... He's since gone slightly AWOL - texts only, no phone call / mention of meeting up again and you, lovely MNers, have made me realise that:

A) if he's freaked out by nearly sleeping with me on our first date together, then he's a misognystic arse.

B) if he was only after the semi-sex but put the 'ground work' in, then he's a misogynistic arse.

C) if I am wrong and he's just got stuff going on, then he'll prove to not be a misogynistic arse and all will come good. But...

D) keeping busy / living well is the best tonic in the world (have another lunch date tomorrow)

Ultimately, his loss - not in an arrogant sense but I'm nice and relationships are / can be good fun and his loss for not having that with me.

Thanks MN and soz for hijack!!

I don't like the sound of him, if I'm honest. Absolutely nothing wrong with sex on a first date, or ONS etc, it's 2013, we should be all cool about this minor fucking thing. I slept with my fiancé on the first date, mind you, wasn't really thinking LTR.

This should be easy, having to second guess things means something's not clear. He's already flagged up he's emotionally unavailable, he's reeling you in, giving it all the 'oh I feel terrible about being so quick to have sex'...setting up the nice guy thing, but also, in the next sentence saying 'I don't want anything too heavy'...what are his dating intentions, cause he sounds a fucking sort.

My fiancé was very clear with his wants, he wanted a relationship, heavy or not, this fella is also being clear...he wants to fuck about

I would also do what something2say said. That's how I approach dating and I wouldn't discuss where the dating is going yet either. That would come across as heavy. Just relax and enjoy it and definitely wait at least 30 mins before replying to a text each time and when you do, keep it light and friendly.

Thanks for the replies. I feel your pain Ifancyashandy!

I haven't heard anything yet, tbh not expecting to until Thurs now. For the 2 weeks until we met on Sat he'd been sending me a good morning text, but Im not expecting that now, although its hard not to keep checking my phone!

On his dating profile he'd stated LTR, but that his longest relationship was less than a year. I wish I could stop trying to analyse his intentions, but just so confused as I generally have a good bullshit radar, having previously dated several b*, but he just seemed so keen beforehand and I had such good vibes about him. Whatever happens, no way am I contacting him unless I hear from him first...

He's followed the classic pattern, loads of attention and texts before the 'event' now he's got what he wanted, he can barely be arsed to say 'morning'.

My gut tells me he's relationship material. If you're OK with that, crack on, but if you're not, your over analysing will be painful, and a waste of your time

Find someone to share what you both want, wasting time of these chumps gets soul destroying

I thought it was a good sign he contacted you after the sex. But there were a few red flags as well. I hope you do hear from him again.

The chap I was dating has gone silent a week ago now. It's so hard.

sadly these arent good signs. I'd be amazed if this led to anything.

cut your losses

Sounds a bit of a stone age charmer cunt

Chuck him back in :)

Longest relationship under a year at that age - red flag for me!

Don't like the fact that he's stopped sending you good morning texts after 2 weeks, means he was only prepared to make an effort right at the start. Not good! And if he goes cold after first date sex, better you know now. In my experience, if a relation starts well it stands a chance. Might be wrong of course but who wants mind games when you're a grown-up? And why be with a man who makes you feel insecure, you're worth a lot more than that.

This thread is SO good for me!!

Op it does sound as if he is a waster but dont be put off by him! I met my dp on a dating site (and by the sounds the same as yours, pof?) We spoke for weeks before a date but had sex first date as we had so much chemistry. Been together four years now and engaged. Difference was he constantly text me mornings and ring me. I knew he liked me. No questioning! Thats the way it should be!

I have a fair bit of experience with this sort of thing too.

There are a few red flags for sure. The drop off in texts after the date is one, the nothing too heavy is another

I wouldn't build up my hopes for this one OP. You never know though. Just don't make him a priority yet.

I think putting too much store by how much someone does or doesn't text is a mistake. There's no need for constant contact and in fact I've come to see the guys who make a big performance of early morning/late night texts are usually bullshitters or players.

I'm currently seeing someone who probably texts me less than 10 times in total in a week. At first I interpreted this as a lack of interest, which it isn't at all.

That said, I think this guy might be a bit of a waste of time. The texting isn't an issue, the not committing to a date next weekend isn't either. What are issues in my view are firstly his constant reference to not wanting anything heavy (which sounds to me like he's saying that it's only ever going to amount to casual sex) and secondly the fact he was planning stuff before he'd met you. That sounds like a ruse to reel you in and get you to shag him, thinking he was a nice, relationship-minded guy, when in fact he was nothing of the kind.

I may be entirely wrong of course, but he sounds like a typical OD inadequate bloke, who likes the idea of a relationship, but really just wants to shag about. There are a few decent ones out there - but they are a tiny minority!

He's giving off mixed signals, which seems designed for you to overanalyse it and drive you nuts
Don't have the talk to clarify your relationship at this point, I think he'd run for the hills. So would I if someone started on about this after a few weeks. Does he know you are after a LTR not just casual dating. Were your chats before you met sexual in nature?
I wouldn't be keen on the whole hot first of all, then cooling down he's playing out. Dh and i had sex quite quickly, but afterward he got even more keen, an chased me even more. But give him the benefit of the doubt, and see what happens over the weekend.

He was telling you to back off when he said he doesn't want anything too heavy. He said the sex was too soon. He had an excuse up his sleeve re. this weekend. Now he can't even be bothered to text you good morning. Sorry but he's been there, done it and he obviously doesn't want to go there again.

"For the 2 weeks until we met on Sat he'd been sending me a good morning text, but Im not expecting that now, although its hard not to keep checking my phone! "

So you've stopped expecting him to be nice to you now that you've actually met him and shagged him?

Look, that is a fucking terrible sign.

Come on - it's a bad enough sign that he was sending you good morning texts when he hadn't even met you.

But he stops once you've become a real person and after you've gone to bed with him?

YOU ARE NOT FREE THIS SATURDAY.

Do you hear me? :o

You are NOT FREE.

Make sure of it by making plans with someone else.

Under no circumstances should you spend all week waiting to hear whether he'll deign to cancel his sport thing (he won't) for you.

I think I love you Join

That's my Christmas smooch face SweetSeraphim