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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
HerdyTheRedNosedHerdwick · 17/12/2013 23:17

Agree, alittlestranger, I just didn't have the guts to say it. Grin

How does he 'know' he's been blocked on Facebook, MrsH? Has OP told him he's blocked?

tiamariaxxx · 17/12/2013 23:22

Aww dont worry, sounds like hes a nice bloke :) Just take it one step at a time.

I slept with my now husband the first night i met him at a party (not something i had ever done before) weve been together nearly 8 years now. We just had this instant connection. So it can work if its meant to be

HerdyTheRedNosedHerdwick · 17/12/2013 23:23

Laurel does he put your name on the texts?

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 17/12/2013 23:24

I'm thinking he maybe hasn't noticed he's been blocked, as he seemed to have over 600 friends, so unless he's specifically looking for me he wouldn't miss me not being on his friend list. I haven't told him, I haven't initiated contact with him apart from replying to his texts. I'd say he's trying to keep he as an option in case he gets bored over the holidays, as he's very unlikely to have women queuing up for him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 17/12/2013 23:28

Good point Herdy, he doesn't, but he has put some references in them which are specific to me, eg his text on Saturday said "are you mad, going to the zoo in that weather?" just after I posted on Facebook that I was at the zoo with a group of friends. This was before I blocked him on Sunday. Today's was more generic, but he asked was I going shopping, as he knows I don't start work till 2pm on Tuesdays

OP posts:
HerdyTheRedNosedHerdwick · 17/12/2013 23:32

Laurel, I knew you hadn't told him he was blocked. Mrs H made a HUGE assumption there that he knew and based her whole post on it.
I only found out completely by accident that someone had blocked and defriended me the other day, and I suspect he'd done it in August. I didn't have a clue. (Dont worry I'm not bothered!).

Ok, as long as he's putting specific info on some of them, that's fine. Im guessing he's got you on the back burner which is shitty but it happens. I've BTDT with being on the end of group texts and it took me about a month to realise.

HerdyTheRedNosedHerdwick · 17/12/2013 23:36

tiamariaxxx have you RTFT ? Did your instant connection with your husband comprise of him ignoring you, getting out of dates you asked him on, not getting back to you when he promised to and not asking you out again ? How soon after you met him did he want to see you again ? Or did he keep you hanging on for more than 10 days without trying to even call you for a chat?
(Sorry Laurel, I can imagine what it's like to keep seeing all of this pointed out)

tiamariaxxx · 17/12/2013 23:59

Hi Laurel sorry i didnt read all this, didnt realise there was so many pages only my 3rd time on this site.

tiamariaxxx · 18/12/2013 00:01

No need to be so rude, i admit not read the replies i dint know there was so many.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2013 00:07

Bloody hell... I can only assume that the posters trying to get Laurel to engage with this man again are rubbing their thighs together in vicarious glee at the thought of yet more pages of angst and upset that they personally don't have to experience. Bad form and pretty nasty really. Hmm

You sound very positive Laurel and I'm glad you have a coffee date lined up for the weekend to increase your circle of friends and acquaintances.

beaglesaresweet · 18/12/2013 01:11

OP, I'm amazed at your patience with his texts Shock! He now just sounds plain weird. As you mentioned on the last page, why not send something like 'sorry, but I can't see the point of this ongoing texting once I've met and slept with someone. It's either dating or no contact for me'. You could also add that you know he's on POF again, and good luck with that. That should stop this nuisance, childish behaviour!

MillyChristmas · 18/12/2013 01:38

Tiamariaxxx try not to take the comments to heart. You weren't to know about all the pages and how to use this site if your new.

Blondeorbrunette · 18/12/2013 03:59

You have just signed up to another site and you have a coffee date arranged already.

In the nicest way possible, you sound desperate for a boyfriend.

You won't block pof guy from your phone or tell him you know he's back on that site because then he would know you looked, think your nuts and block you, killing any chance of him and you dating.

Ignore his texts, it's really that easy. Play the game and see what happens when you ignore his texts.

What he's doing is trying to disappear without you thinking he's a wanker so he keeps texting you scraps, the bare minimum just to keep you on the back burner. Even if he did have a sudden change of heart he doesn't respect you.

sebsmummy1 · 18/12/2013 07:18

These guys proliferate Online Dating Sites, do not worry, you did nothing wrong.

I also had to kiss a lot of frogs before I met my partner on POF. Next time do not get sucked into lots of messages and get your hopes up. Meet quickly or alternatively take it very very slow. Those methods always worked out better for me than getting carried away with texts and emails and then meeting up. It's as though nothing can ever match up to the fantasy person either one of you has imagined.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 18/12/2013 07:25

Thanks everyone. Yes Beagles, the vague texting is now annoying me, when he next does it I'm going to tell him I'm not interested in hearing from him again, and to stop.

Blonde - I have no desire to see this man again, after the way I've been treated, the only reason I wouldn't tell him I saw him on POF is because I don't want him to think I'm spying on him or something like that! I'm shocked you are assuming I am desperate for a boyfriend..... This will be my 2nd date in 6 years ffs

OP posts:
FloWhite · 18/12/2013 07:27

It's to your credit that you're a polite woman Laurel but honestly to an outsider it really looks like he's still fishing in the laziest, rudest way.

He doesn't really warrant politeness from you IMO but if you must respond (which is still playing the game) and you have no intention of seeing him again the most polite thing to do is tell him you don't want to continue communication full stop. You don't have to give a reason but if you MUST, all you need to say is you've moved on and don't want to see him again. That'll stop the casual is she still up for it friendly texts.

FloWhite · 18/12/2013 07:27

Oh dammit, xposted!! Well done Smile.

HerdyTheRedNosedHerdwick · 18/12/2013 07:42

I agree with FloWhite , needless to say. If you must respond you could just tell him that you were never looking for a text buddy and it's time to move on.

Tiamaria I'm sorry if my post came across as rude, but really it is so frustrating to have followed a thread like this and then have people just read the OP and as in this case, just give false hope. I'm glad that you and your husband had an instant connection, but whenever I've seen that happen in RL there's always been consistent communication afterwards and obvious enthusiasm on both sides to continue arranging dates. This guy is at best lukewarm and OP deserves better.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 18/12/2013 07:47

Thanks Flo and Herdy. Yes when he texts again, no doubt in the next couple of days I'll respond by telling him its time to move on, no point in stringing things out and Im not really looking for a text buddy, but all the best, have a nice Christmas etc, which will hopefully put a stop to it!

OP posts:
MillyChristmas · 18/12/2013 07:59

Sounds good Laurel and well done for having s date again on Sunday. It will do you goodSmile

Plumbingtrouble · 18/12/2013 08:08

I keep saying I am going to ignore texts from this guy that has messed me about, but I am too weak :( I have cooled off though in that they are factual and not gushy!! Baby steps.

MrsHeisenberg · 18/12/2013 08:13

I definitely wasn't "rubbing my thighs together in vicarious glee", hoping that OP will continue the saga with this guy. I just find it really strange that he keeps texting. I would've thought he'd breathe a sigh of relief at OP telling him she's not interested anymore....seeing as he's been acting so vague and uninterested. As for the blocking...I notice straight away if I've been blocked by someone I interact with on a regular basis.
I wish you luck on your next date, OP. ( with the new guy obviously )

FloWhite · 18/12/2013 08:35

Laurel Grin you are too bloody nice for your own good!!

I wouldn't even mention not wanting a text buddy - it keeps the door slightly ajar for him to respond again. Being blunt in the face of vagueness and road to nowhere tantalising texts isn't rude. It's straight, and to the point.

You have to do what's right for you, of course and the main thing is you know it wasn't you - it was him. Enjoy your coffee date.

tiamariaxxx · 18/12/2013 08:41

No ive not taken it to heart :)

tiamariaxxx · 18/12/2013 08:46

ok no problem, yer i get that honest mistake on my part.

And i know people say my sistuation is like a fairy tail and how lucky ive been etc but we had the most rocky first 6 months together had lots of obstacles in the way.