Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

I don't think you ruined it but maybe you will be more aware next time. Don't contact him, wait and see!!

This could have been me and DH in 2005. We moved in together in 2006, DD was born 2009 and we married in 2011. I too thought I had blown it. Sometimes this is the best way. Good luck.

I don't miss dating...! I hate mobile phones at the best of times! Buried in ones handbag is where they should be, not being watched anxiously, little f ers!

Havetowearheels did your DH freak out too?

Laurel you not know that he has freaked out! He may be waiting for Thursday but may well just be playing games, especially in light of the lack of chatty texts.

Agree with the posters above - live your life and fit him into it, rather than fitting your life around him.

No not really. He did call a cab for me at 5 am though, which I thought was odd, he told me he couldn't sleep with someone in his bed. This turned out to be true, he is a very fidgety sleeper and we still sometimes sleep separately. He did email me the next afternoon saying thanks for a great night and he would be in touch later in the week. He contacted me again 2 days later and we went on another date the next day.

That should be 'You don't know that he has freaked out'

Went met on a dating website, I think he was ready for a relationship even though he didn't specify and played it a bit cool (he was 32). I thought he was a bit of a player, turns out I was wrong.

I had sex with dh on our first date - actually it wasn't even a date, we just had sex.

He then disappeared for a day, really cooled off. He was worried that I would feel that he was stalking me if he didn't, and was generally feeling insecure about where all this was going. He was dead keen on me but worried that he had blown it.

That was 22 years ago. I still sometimes tease him about it.

That all sounds good Havetowearheels and Liara!

I guess he maybe hasn't freaked out.... I suppose there's nothing more to say really apart from arranging next date... Which we can't really do until he goes to sports meeting on thurs. If I were looking at my posts objectively I'd think he wasn't interested, but from the conversations we've had it just doesn't fit with the impression I got at the time. The night before we met up, he rang me saying he was worried I would cancel and he would be tempted to turn his phone off on Saturday until we met, as he couldn't bear seeing a message from me pulling out of the date. Plus he hasn't had sex for a year.... Surely that wouldn't be right if he was a player.....

OP only you can judge the situation, it isn't always black and white. Who knows what he told you is true. Maybe he has lost interest, maybe he is giving you space, only time will tell.

If he really wanted to see you why didn't he suggest a date on a night he knew wasn't taken up with his sports thing?

I can see that you're desperately clinging on to your hopes of this relationship, Laurel, it's obvious that you're only seeing the posts that accord with what you want the situation to be.

You don't know this man; anybody can be anything online, tell you anything they want and you can't see their faces, expressions, gauge their body language. You've spent physical time with him for less than a day and you're already so invested. You have a daughter who is 8, it's not good for her to see her mum like this.

Are you actually asking yourself the questions that are nagging away at you?

• Why has the texting stopped?
• Why he didn't say that he was busy on Thursday but why not do something on x, y day instead?
• Why there's so much disparity between his online persona (wanting to go on holiday with you, yada yada) and his real person (not contacting you when he did so much before)?
• Why you're so keen to contact him when he hasn't contacted you?
• Why he shared so much information with you when he'd never even met you?
• Why you believe all that he says and pay no heed to what he does/his actions towards you?
• Why the opinions of some strangers online - who also don't know this man - validate and comfort you when they're built on nothing other than what you've said?
• What would your RL friends say about this man?

I'd hate to answer those questions, they would make me feel uncomfortable but whether you think you've 'blown it' (ridiculous) or not - you've done nothing wrong and you deserve to find somebody nice who will not make you feel like you're on a 'feelings rollercoaster'.

Exactly what Lying says.

When it's right, there's none of this shit. No second guessing, no game playing, no head games, no cold feet. It's just easy! I've done enough dating to know how this feels, honestly. It's crap. Fill your time with other things, and don't make this bloke a priority. What will be will be and all that.

Great post, Lying.

Laurel - believe one thing .. This man isn't interested in you. I know that's harsh but it's glaringly obvious from everything you've said.

Just move on and save yourself this angst and constant picking over of the situation. It would make you feel freer and in control

I know, I can see how it looks, I guess I was just hoping things would turn out differently. I hope this doesn't put me off dating for another 6 years, as I can't bear the angst. Normally I'm a laid back rational person, I know it probably doesn't come across well on this thread! I guess the reason I thought he'd text back about going to the market thing was because on Friday, he'd asked me to go with him on Sunday morning (the morning after our date). I wasn't able to as I had no babysitter, and it was only yesterday that my friend offered to mind DD next Sunday. The market isn't our main city Continental one, its a smaller artisan Christmas one that's only held on a Sunday.

Anyhow I think I'll turn my phone off soon when I go to bed to stop myself looking at it all the time! Thanks again for all the replies so far, you have all been great!

I think you sound desperate tbh . Constantly saying you are trying not to look at your phone and how you have really fallen for him. Why are you waiting for him to text you on Thursday? If you want to text him, do. He isn't in charge. I think all this angst after one date is just not worth it.

I know Toffee, I'm annoyed with myself to be honest for letting him get to me.... I don't want to look like I'm chasing him by texting - if he replies I'll not know if he would have made contact otherwise. I guess I'm using Thursday as a cut off point to have heard back from him - if I haven't I'd be too pissed off with him even if he makes contact at a later date.

OP in answer to your question - no you haven't blown it by having sex on a first date. However all the evidence so far suggests he's not for you and THAT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR ANY JUDGMENT ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOUR.

Some blokes are just like that and you've been unlucky this time.

Ok, so say you hear nothing from him until Thursday - not even a "how are you?" text considering you have been getting them pre-shag; what will you do?

Tbh Walter I'd be pissed off.... I wouldn't say anything there and then so as not to appear like a fishwife, but he certainly wouldn't be getting any more of what happened on Saturday unless he stopped acting weirdly!

Have you not heard from him all day?
Did he text you during the day before your date?

Well, good!

Just maybe don't be too keen to forgive days of silence for the sake of another date!