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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 09/12/2013 19:43

Come on, it's OK to have sex!
And as others have said, if he judged you, sod him.

I also don't like the "too heavy" stuff. Not just him saying it, but you saying you'll keep your texts light and casual.
Fair enough not to come on too strong - but that should because you can't possibly be sure of him yet, not because you think you need to, to keep him.

It's fine if he wants to take it slowly, but it's OK to ask what "heavy" means. Him talking about holidays next year sounds heavy to me!

Original poster

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:46

Yes I think he possibly wants "heavy" on his terms!! I can act cool and casual for a while but to be honest would need to have a chat about it sooner rather than later. If it seems he wants another date, which hopefully I will know by Thursday, I'll feel a lot happier. I hate being in this position!!

OP posts:

YouAreMyRain · 09/12/2013 20:01

My ex was a ONS, lasted for 16 yrs.

I also think the not too heavy may be a way of saying that he is not emotionally available.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 09/12/2013 20:15

I'd be quite put off by somebody who thought having a relationship with me was "heavy".

Meeting someone you are really into and getting to know them and maybe falling in love is one of the most fun things in life.

Don't waste your time on someone who thinks that doing those things with you would be a drag.

SweetSeraphim · 09/12/2013 20:15

Exactamundo, Join.

Original poster

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 20:36

I wish I hadn't really fallen for him....... Oh I think I'll have to have my phone confiscated for the next few days to stop myself checking it. Hate it that I've let a man make me feel so irrational and insecure!!

OP posts:

octanegirl · 09/12/2013 20:50

I had sex on the first date and we got married...don't panic.
I know EXACTLY how you feel though!

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 09/12/2013 21:13

Sex on a first date is no bad thing, so don't beat yourself up!

But, he sounds like a bit of a drama llama and I wouldn't be surprised if you d

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 09/12/2013 21:14

*if you don't see him again for dust...

...apart from maybe a booty call now and again.

Sorry.

I could well be wrong though, it has been kn

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 09/12/2013 21:15

Known!

Jesus, my fingers have a mind of their own this evening!

QuintessentialShadows · 09/12/2013 21:17

Lol, he planned this all along. That is why he first insisted you pick a place in his hometown, far away from yours.

I guess he decided he would get his wicked way with you whether you were near your home, or his.....

noseymcposey · 09/12/2013 21:20

I slept with DP on the first date and six years later we're still together. I knew he was different because instead of feeling cringey and regretful I felt bereft that he'd gone!

MillyChristmas · 09/12/2013 21:27

You will know one way or another on Thursday. If he is looking for an excuse he will turn you down saying he cant get out of his sport thing and wont arrange anything else but will just be vague and say he will be in touch. I would have been wary of his saying he doesn't want anything heavy though. I know im going against what has been said here but if he is wanting to see you again you will know it and he will make it clear that he really likes you.

JeanSeberg · 09/12/2013 21:28

He's telling you he's not interested but you're not listening.

something2say · 09/12/2013 21:29

I think what he means by 'heavy' is being expected to suddenly start seeing you all the time, and generally going straight from dating into a full on relationship.

Therefore I would expect him to say no to the event this weekend, as that is a bit full on. If he says yes good, but beware he may not. In that case, I would quieten down, wait for him to have the break he needs, say till next week, texting back only when he does and leaving it a while too, and then when it all feels a bit warmer, I'd flirt wildly and have fun with him and wait for date number two.

Not the end of the world, but I'd manage carefully, this next bit x

noseymcposey · 09/12/2013 21:29

Read rest of the thread now and I would however be wary of someone who was talking about holidays next year, while saying 'nothing heavy'. And also someone saying 'we shouldn't be doing this' while, erm doing it.

Maybe be a little cautious here :)

MillyChristmas · 09/12/2013 21:29

I would also say the not getting heavy thing is definitely his way of saying that he is not really interested.

something2say · 09/12/2013 21:31

I learnt not to sleep with men on the first date after a man asked me whether I always did that and made out that I did. I of course recognized the double standard, but I also recognized, for myself, that I'd have quite liked the buildup myself, after a period of being single, and I played it so I didn't get that, when it could have been lovely. I waited with my current partner and am glad x

Original poster

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 21:53

Quintessential you remember me from AIBU!! I was too embarrassed to post there after my daft thread on Friday...

I guess I was wanting everyone on here to tell me of course he's interested but I know I need to consider that he isn't, so as not to build up my hopes for this weekend. No matter what, I'm definitely not texting until I hear from him, and Somethingtosay I like your advice! I'm really hoping I'll be able to update on Thurs with good news...

Gah I hate feeling like this!

OP posts:

SoleSorceress · 09/12/2013 21:55

Oh it is all so confusing :(

QuintessentialShadows · 09/12/2013 21:56

Yes I do remember you Laurel, but that is mostly because I love laurels!!!

Original poster

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 21:57

Thanks!!

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 09/12/2013 21:58

(not because your thread was so daft, btw I should add)

SirRaymondClench · 09/12/2013 22:49

Have you heard from him tonight Op?

antimatter · 09/12/2013 22:56

I really hope I am wrong but this is typical male behaviour discussed on many other dating threads. He is likely to distance himself from you and cool it all down.

It would have happened even if sex was on a 3-rd or a 4-th date.
Guys like him aren't interested in relationships.
It's nothing to do with how you acted and what you did. all to do with his plans and attitude to dating.

btw - has he written on his online profile that he is looking for LTR or dating?

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