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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
SoleSorceress · 15/12/2013 13:02

Personally after being very badly hurt a few times between 2006 - 2008 and a few rejections from guys I chatted with online between 2008 and 2013 I have stayed away from real dating. I feel dating requires emotional resilience of which I did not have. I embarked on a journey of self improvement in 2008 and am now at the 'final' stage of major weight loss. My confidence is almost back via releasing emotional backup of childhood issues with a therapist.

I'm still not 'there' yet but I shall get there and my life will be full, interesting and hard work to achieve a degree at University.

I want to meet a guy in reality rather than online and in time I believe I shall. :)

ALittleStranger · 15/12/2013 13:47

Laurel did you answer the point about whether you want a relationship or not? My sense is you do, so why pretend otherwise to try and get someone's crumbs?

something2say · 15/12/2013 13:51

Sole sorceress what a lovely post x

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 14:33

I would ultimately like a long term relationship, but was not necessarily wanting to rush into one after the first date. What I don't want is a FWB scenario! I would have been happy to take it slowly, a few dates now and then, and see what happens. I think though I have him the impression I was trying to rush into something serious, which is why he backed off so quickly, and also the reason why I rang him to tell himI wasn't. Or he's just not into me, and if that's the case it would be better if he stopped sending texts, like he did yesterday and Wednesday morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 16:56

UPDATE.......

I decided to have a look on POF just now - have just found his new profile, he's online now..... Sooooo tempted to let him know that I know he's online, but you know what, there's no point really.....

Looks like you guys were right that he wasn't interested. I feel devastated but no point moping I guess!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 17:02

I think you should send us a link to his profile, lol Grin

We all make mistakes, all we can do is learn from them. Next time don't allow a 'cyber' relationship to develop before you actually meet them. Swap a few messages and then just arrange a date so you can get to know them as a real person as opposed to just reading words on a screen or having phone calls. People are much easier to suss out when you are face to face with them.

HanselandGretel · 15/12/2013 17:03

Aww, that sucks, truly sorry to hear that. Please don't do anything at all, ignore, ignore, ignore, it's done with now and there's your answer from him.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 17:13

I'm sorely tempted to post a link to his Facebook page, except I don't know how to do it and it would make me look crazy........ F Ba***, Im so bloody angry right now!!! I have just deleted my profile on POF, I may create a new one, I might find a better site, just not sure right now. What a jerk! I'm certain he's just created his profile today, there was definitely nobody matching his description on the site yesterday, as I looked. Aargh..... I hate him. Actually this makes it a whole lot easier now - no bloody waiting for his shitty vague texts. Interestingly he has now put that he's looking for "dating" now and not "looking for a relationship." We'll at least I've leant something, if it doesn't feel right and someone makes me feel like shit after the first date, don't give them a second thought. I'd be amazed if he attracts anyone with his new photo though, it's bloody awful. He isn't typically handsome, but this photo makes him look terrible, he has a full Movember moustache going on, that he had just shaved off before I met him.

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 15/12/2013 17:22

Laurel, PLEASE DO NOT contact him in any way. I promise you, it may feel good for a few minutes or even a day , but after a few days you'll feel bloody awful about it.

I'm laughing at his Movember moustache.

Please don't contact him. You're right, you've now got what you need to be able to move on. It's ok to be angry and rant and rage, but do it here.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 17:22

Can I ask what it is you feel angry about?

Is it what he has done?

Or is that you let yourself believe potentially you had something special?

Do you feel angry with yourself too??

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 17:23

Laurel- you had one date with the fella. You need to get a little perspective. There are other men out there, nice men, who won't muck you around.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 17:30

No I definitely won't contact him I promise! I don't know why I feel so angry, I just suppose its disappointment that's all. He didn't promise me anything.

I guess I have the feeling he will make contact again, and now I won't know what to say. I could ignore him, but I would want to tell him I have seen his new profile. I don't know. I'm now wishing I don't hear from him again.

I've deleted his number from my phone and all his previous messages. Now I should really delete him from Facebook as I don't particularly want to share photos etc with him.

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 17:34

I know, I wouldn't actually do anything, just crossed my mind. I agree, technically he hasn't done anything wrong, although if he contacts me again I'd be pissed off.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 17:36

Well if he does tell him you've got a date so don't really have time to chat Smile

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 17:38

I have to say, if a guy says he doesn't want anything heavy- twice, refuses to make a date then ignores your attempts at contact most women (with the bizarre exception of kevinsmum) would have been able to work out what's going on.

I'm sorry laurel, it's tough but the signs were there, in neon.

Anyoneforacheckup · 15/12/2013 17:40

Writer... Is that supposed to be helpful in any way
Laurel..... The problem is it all becomes a bit of a fantasy online, like letter writing in the past. But no one has to keep to their word anymore and mores have changed.

Online dating is a game.

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 17:46

It can be a game but there are also a lot of successful relationship and marriage stories that started with OD. It's just a case of recognising the good guys from the bad guys.

SoleSorceress · 15/12/2013 17:51

Feel the pain, do not contact him, delete him, stop looking for him and at him. Lessons to be learned.

Toughen up a bit, I have been where you are and it hurts and confusing.

You are better than him and deserve a higher class of man than that loser.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 18:01

Thanks.... Everyone. Yes Im going to try and forget about him. Actually finding his profile online was the best thing that could have happened to me today, the kick up the backside that I needed. I do tend to see the best in people, but I suppose that just makes me gullible. Have deleted him on FB now

OP posts:
Blondeorbrunette · 15/12/2013 18:09

You are stating to come across a bit unhinged. You searched for his profile yesterday! I suspect the only reason you would delete your current pof is so that you could contact him under a fake one.

It's time to put him to bed now and move on.

Blondeorbrunette · 15/12/2013 18:11

If you contact him to let him know you have seen what you think is a new profile or to let him know you know he's online you are only proving that his decision not to get involved was the right one.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 18:22

This is the sanest I've felt all week, I think I needed to see it in black and white how he really is. I've no intention of contacting him, and if he texts me then I think it may be best not to respond, as God knows what I'd say!

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 18:23

And I'm not going to create a new profile, and certainly not to contact him!!!! That would be crazy!!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 15/12/2013 19:19

So much for going cold turkey or at least leaving your phone at home to enjoy a day with your daughter....

Seriously, why are you torturing yourself trawling the site for his profile?

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