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Original poster

Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

655 replies

Laurel1979 · 09/12/2013 19:11

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

OP posts:
BlodynTatws · 14/12/2013 23:51

This happens a lot on the internet with dating sites , facebook etc and its a serious problem. To be quite frank you put yourself in a very dangerous and vulnerable position taking a man you did not know at all back to your house a few hours after meeting him. There are warnings on how to conduct yourself with online dating to keep yourself safe and they are there for good reason. Please look after yourself more and don't put yourself in this position again. Date men you like but never take them home after a date.

JeanSeberg · 14/12/2013 23:52

You need to either go cold turkey or wean yourself off this. It's become an obsession.

If you can't go cold turkey, set yourself challenges. Eg don't check you phone till teatime, leave it at home when you go out with your daughter.

And you need to block him on FB. It's not normal to feel sick when his news feed comes out.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 14/12/2013 23:59

Jean I'm going to go "cold turkey." Or at least I'll try! I know he will text at some stage eg like he did today, I don't know the best way to respond, or maybe its better not to answer at all, I don't know. I suppose it depends what he says. His text today was more along the lighthearted lines similar to before we met last Saturday. There I go again trying to analyse things..... Tomorrow is a new day, I think I'll go out for the day and leave my phone at home!

OP posts:
crunchypower · 15/12/2013 00:10

This reply has been deleted

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BlueSkySunnyDay · 15/12/2013 00:15

If he is being friendly, then just be friendly too unless you are pinning your hopes on it developing into something more. It may be he is a nice guy and got cold feet over things going to quickly or it may be he's an arse and now you have contacted him again he is keeping you "on hold" in case he fancies another shag (and I cant say I can really get a feel for which he is from what you have said)

If you are driving yourself crazy over analysing what has happened then I would keep him as a friend on facebook but set it up so he cant see your news. I would also be more cautious in future about becoming facebook friends with someone you dont know that well..there are some crazy buggers out there and you cant always tell by looking at them.

BlodynTatws · 15/12/2013 00:16

But he only texted you today because you phoned him. Stop contacting him on facebook, stop texting and stop phoning.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 00:20

Kick someone when they are down why don't you Crunchy! I've been honest on this thread, and have appreciated the feedback from other posters, good or bad. As its anonymous I have been able to lay my heart bare ad say exactly whats going through my mind. Obviously he doesn't know all this, the only contact we've had since last week has been a couple of lighthearted texts and a 4 minute phone conversation. Name call if you like, but I have received quite a number of private messages from other mumsnetters over the last few days who have been going through similar situations and have found comfort/advice in reading the thread. Sorry if its bored or offended you.

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 15/12/2013 00:22

I dont see why texting hurts personally. I ve been in a similar situation with a commitment phobe - he was always lovely when I called him but didnt rush to follow up unlike this guy whi is sending friendly texts.

As long as hes not expecting more casual sex it doesnt cost anything to be friendly as long as Laurel isnt pinning too much hope on it becoming a big relationship - probably better that they dont actually see each other for a bit.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 00:23

Bloden I've no intention of contacting him again

OP posts:
BlueSkySunnyDay · 15/12/2013 00:24

Yeah I thought crunchy sounded harsh (and a bit odd) I really wouldnt take it to heart Laurel. It was in fact a "should I report that" moment as I thought it was unnecessary.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 00:30

Thanks BlueSky

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 00:56

Laurel... I know you haven't enjoyed reading some of the posts on here (mine in particular, I would imagine) but remember that everybody on this thread is rooting for you, wanting the best for you and willing you to protect yourself. Many of us have been where you are, know the pain and are trying very hard to make you think before you follow in those footsteps, but that advice is easy to give and very difficult to follow. It's a lousy time of year for relationship angst but you WILL get through it, you and your daughter.

beaglesaresweet · 15/12/2013 01:51

write him off until (and if) he starts petting serious effort in - not likely so if it does happen, it will be a surprise but don't wait for it. Definitely get rid of the green dot on FB!
I think it's good that you had a brief chat - brave as you risked him ignoring you, I think if it gave you a bit of power and pride back, that's fine. I agree, he doesn't know that you wre in such angst, you sort of wanted to show that you do what you like (phone him or whatever), not just passively waiting. We've all been there, Op! good thing that you aer not planning any more initiatives towards him, stay string now!

beaglesaresweet · 15/12/2013 01:52

oops, putting, not 'petting'! the last thing you want now is the sex references, sorry!

piratecat · 15/12/2013 04:42

good post and i think she should stay string too.Smile then again i have had some champagne.

HerdyHerdwick · 15/12/2013 08:43

Morning Laurel.
I don't think you've been 'stupid' or an 'idiot'. You've just been a bit naive and got swept along by his initial intensity. You know what? I bet 85% of us who've posted on your thread have BTDT at some point in our lives or if we haven't already, it will happen in the future.
The first time something similar happened to me I was 45 (!) and really thought I should have known better.
I think there are things to learn here for the future, but for now just try to put him out of your head when you find yourself thinking about him. If you find it hard to do that, you can even visualise a big red STOP ! sign when those thoughts start creeping in and switch to thinking about something else - your favourite holiday resort or something else that's positive with no connection to him.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazyjaney · 15/12/2013 09:08

OP IMO you've done the right thing, overcommunicating to know exactly where things lie is far better than all the constructing theories in the air based on no information, that so many on here seem to prefer.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 10:13

Thanks again you guys..... I genuinely have appreciated all your replies, no matter how honest they were, it's good to get a bit of perspective (apart from Crunchy's which was pretty nasty). At least I'll be better prepared if I venture into online dating again!

I'm going to go out somewhere nice for the day with DD, and will try to leave my phone benind! And no matter what I'll not contact him again. If he contacts me, I'll have to consider what/if to reply, as I don't want some sort of vague communication to keep dragging on.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
HerdyHerdwick · 15/12/2013 10:16

Have a lovely day out with DD.

Original poster
Laurel1979 · 15/12/2013 10:49

Thanks

OP posts:
Plumbingtrouble · 15/12/2013 11:54

Am doing the same Laurel. Trying not to look at my phone to see if there is some weak text. Very hard.

Have a lovely day. x

Writerwannabe83 · 15/12/2013 11:59

Get yourself back on the website Laurel and find someone else Smile

When I was OD if it went wrong with one of them (which it usually did pretty quickly) I'd be straight back on hunting my next date down Grin

chocolatespiders · 15/12/2013 12:45

Come on we will be a long time dead, get back on it and have some fun Smile

Says me who has not been on date for 3ish years... have grand plans for lots of one night stand though once kids have flown the nest. Relationships are not for me but miss a bit of nooky!!!!!