Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

I don't blame you for being upset. I think we've all been where you are and spent time looking at the phone wondering what is going on etc. So what if it was just one date. You felt you had something and he doesn't seem to. That's just a bitter pill to swallow. Hope you meet someone a bit more genuine soon.

Hi - just wanted to add my 2 cents here. I used to be into having ONS, why IDK - probably was immature and also expected too much. Then I had relationships where I didn't do ONS and then I went through a single girl phase where I was doing the ONS and not wanting anything more.

However in my 30's the more I met people the more I calmed down, respected myself and held out for sex. The last guy I met - I didn't have sex with him for about 2 months or so but strangely in your late 30's/early 40's some people say you should actually get sex out of the way sooner rather than later to see if you click that way before committing to a relationship. Also by that age if you are REALLY that bothered whether a guy wants you for sex or not and he's the same (eg bothered) then you shouldn't be dating/having sex etc - jmo.

My current man been seeing him what 5 weeks (very intense) and yes we had sex on what the 3rd date but we both wanted it and it may not have happened otherwise. Sooner than planned but it certainly hasn't harmed us. we're also very much on the same page sexually and have amazing chemistry (but also get on very well too out of bed). What was funny was that his friend mentioned to him about us sleeping together quickly but my man just said 'well that's just how it happened, no big deal etc'.

If in any way I felt unsure/awkward/ashamed I wouldn't have done it and neither would he. Checking profiles etc just seems to be juvenile (on both parts) and if you are properly seeing each other you should delete them after a certain amount of time seeing each other etc.

HelloBoys 5 weeks is very new isn't it. Glad it's going well. For me I think the older you get the more important it is to get to know a man really well to see if I actually like him ( not just lust him) for a month or two and take it slow. Then if we got on and shared similar tastes and goals etc then take it to the next level. Rushing in tends to fizzle out relatively quickly but building up a friendship and slow burning passion seems to be better for both.

BlodynTatws - yes 5 weeks is new, now in it's 6th week.

It's strange with me I have ALWAYS been impatient (so is this new guy strange to say) but also neither of us have been friends much with exes etc. I also never have started off being friends with anyone first either and neither has he. But the slow burning passion I agree with. Which is what we've done - sexting, meeting up no sex, meeting up with sex, dinner out etc. we did talk A LOT when meeting up and part of the sex was it would be a now or never (I wasn't sure about inviting him back to my place (safety reasons etc) he lives by the sea and apparently his place is very untidy wants to tidy up before I come round).

I have noticed though we do have to ensure it doesn't fizzle out and we both don't get bored but I don't want to be a porn queen in my dreams, joke! e.g. suggesting tons of sex ideas so he doesn't get bored.

also the liking - we are also getting to know this - and safe to say I like him a lot he likes me a lot.

I would also say from my POV I can lose interest quite quickly (call me immature again) if someone isn't interested enough in me - I think he is the same too. And then I can quite easily cut my losses and find someone else.

I do think sadly with OP that she misread the situation and yes, he was a player and maybe with the help of some MNers she could have avoided the pain/awkwardness that came afterwards. But men and women can be like this it's just spotting the signs.

Sounds good Hello really hope it works out .

Hi Laurel good to hear you're feeling better about it all now.
I think you've done the right thing blocking him on Facebook. There's no need to keep someone as a FB friend just because you've had one date with them,and it's not at all petty to remove him.

If you want to remove him from your phone app facebook then turn your phone off and then turn it on again. It should be the same as your online laptop facebook.

Thanks I'll try that!!

Laurel - there is/was a good thread here called The Dating Thread (it's numbered) - I was on it for a while.

what it is REALLY GOOD for is weeding out the wheat from the chaff shall we say? the women (and/or men) there post stories about experiences (current and past) but the current ones are great as they all support each other eg texts/messages/dates etc. and all really friendly and supportive no matter what happens.

I would certainly say don't let was going to say tosser but he may be an ok guy this man put you off dating at all. You never know, from sounds of other stories here there may well be the perfect man out there for you.

It's just been a baptism of fire, that's all.

I made a similar mistake, having been out of the dating game for 10 years. Bought THIS book, and the rest is history. This shit really does work

child did you get a permanent man then?

One of my friends just gave me a copy of that today, as she thought I was too soft!

Well G, as I'll now refer to him as, is still sending his crappy vague texts, I got another "good morning" today, after not hearing from him Saturday. I'm too bloody polite not to respond, so I sent an equally vague one back. I should really block his number! I presume he thinks he's keeping me dangling as an option.... I've already signed up to another site, a fee paying one this time, and I have a date arranged for this weekend, just a casual coffee, will be approaching this one differently!

I definitely recommend the book, although I need to start putting it into practice.....

hiya, good on you!

from my limited exp of dating sites, you just never know if he had another date lined up, and cooled it off before going on that one.

anyhow, good luck with the next one, i think it's best if you can to meet asap. which one have you joined?

Thanks Pirate! It's eharmony, there are fewer people on it, but definitely feel more reassured that the people on it will be more genuine, as they are paying......

Good luck Laurel. When the time is right, I shall sign up on there too. Need to work out how to unblock dating websites though, as at the moment our TalkTalk account doesn't allow me on there!!

I wouldn't say he's permanent, because who can say that? I was married and would have said he was permanent! I've met someone who shouldn't have lasted, but I've followed the book and he;s turned into the most amazing boyfriend ever! Can't fault him for anything apart from the things he can't change!

When he wasn't giving me what I wanted I pulled back/dumped him and he came back on his best behavior. If/when that behaviour changes, I'll be off again. The book has basically taught me not to accept anything less than good behaviour.

Glad to see you're feeling stronger and more positive Laurel. I haven't tried Eharmony, is it any good? Come and join us on the dating thread, think it's no66. I've recently started posting on there for support while dating.

I definitely will Kitty! I like eharmony, the only thing is its not very user friendly - for a technophobe like me, but I like that nobody can see your photos unless they've paid the fee! They also seem to do a more in depth personality test etc, so more likely to get better matches. I'll probably be nervous coming up to Sunday, but it'll give me some confidence back that I've lost in the past 1-2 weeks....

Do you mind if I ask how much it costs, please? Is that the site where you have to answer dozens of questions when you're setting up your profile?

Yeah there were a million questions! I've picked the option of £12.95 a month but its for 12 months. For a shorter period it's a lot more expensive, eg £36 a month if you only sign up for 3 months. Not really something I wanted to shell out for before Christmas, but if its less heartache than POF then it'll be worth it!

He knows you've blocked him from FB...yet he's sending you texts? I may be totally barking mad but....what if he really is insecure and what if he only went back to online dating because you told him it wasn't working out etc? Have I got it totally wrong?
I just don't understand why he'd keep texting you if he really was relieved that it's all over? Excuse me if I've gotten things wrong, I have tried to read all posts.

Good luck with the date at the weekend !

Jesus MrsHeisenberg, people have spent 25 pages trying to steer the OP away from ludicrous "what ifs", and just as she sees sense you wade back in...

I don't know why he's texting, I'm confused too, as the texts are lighthearted and jokey, similar to before we met up, but far less frequent. I'm just glad I saw he was back on POF again on Sunday as otherwise the texts would have kept me hoping and waiting. I think he's probably trying to keep his options open, thinking I'll be waiting for him to arrange another date. Weirdly when he texted this morning, he sent both a regular text and also one via Whatsapp, which seemed strange. I think if he contacts me again, which I think he will in the next few days, I'll politely suggest we both move on instead of stringing out pointless communication, as at the end of the day I want to meet someone who actually wants to spend time with me....

Thanks Herdy! And don't worry, I've definitely abandoned all thoughts of wanting to see this guy again!