Aargh have I blown it by having sex on first date?

[Laurel1979]

I would really appreciate some impartial advice......

I've been single for 6 years and have an 8 year old DD. I met a lovely guy online recently and after texting for 2 weeks we arranged to go out for a meal. He's the same age as me but has no DC. We had chatted a lot on the phone before meeting and we seemed to have a lot in common, etc. There was a lot of sexual chemistry on the phone, but we agreed we both liked each other and on the first date would only kiss. We went out at the weekend there and immediately hit it off. I really like him and had a good feeling about him straight away. But...... after dinner he left me home and we ended up having sex (it was amazing sorry TMI... but definitely not typical awkward first sex). In the middle of it we both said we shouldn't be doing this but in the end couldn't keep our hands off each other. Wen he left he texted me saying what a great night he had, and yesterday he texted 3 times, just things like "good morning xx" etc.

But today - I've had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, worrying he'll think I was too easy and that we've blown it - then tonight he texted apologising for what happened, said it was fantastic but not like him at all and he didn't want "anything too heavy too quick." I texted back agreeing and said I knew we shouldn't have done it so soon, and that I hoped we hadn't ruined things. He replied no, but just didn't want anything too heavy. I jokingly texted back that we should start again and next time meet somewhere neutral and have kiss on cheek only, he agreed. Prior to meeting we had talked about going to Christmas market some day, so I suggested that we do that this weekend (he'd asked me last week about it but until today I hadn't been able to get a babysitter). S he texted back, saying he would like to but "needs to get out of a sport thing" he has on Sunday but he would definitely know on Thursday. I said no problem just let me know, he said he will. I'd say this is genuine as he is in the local sports club where he lives and helps run events.

Sorry this is so long but I'd be so grateful for your opinions as to whether I've ruined things!! Many thanks in advance.

Honestly, I wasn't specifically looking for him today (although I was yesterday if Im honest...). The were less than 100 matches came up with the age/city I was looking for that had photos on the profile. I nearly fell off my chair when I saw his photo! I really wasn't expecting to see it, I was just fishing for other prospective men!

I had a lovely day with DD :-). We went to the Christmas market, ice skating and the cinema.

You need to start being honest with yourself. You clearly want more from him than you are saying and are much too overly invested in someone you have seen once.

Why do you care about what a ONS thinks of you?

Stop game playing. It is immature and silly.

I completely missed page 2.

You are happy he isn't on a "hot date."

Oh dear. Seriously, you are setting yourself up to be really hurt here. I suggest you get some self esteem before you have sex with a random stranger again as you clearly aren't made for casual sex without emotion. Obviously nothing wrong with that but why set yourself up for more hurt?

Be honest in future instead of saying what you think the man wants to hear.

Good luck for the future.

Toffee you are right, I'm not good at this, I didn't realise I would feel emotional about someone after sex, its a horrible feeling. I certainly won't be jumping into bed with anyone anytime soon. I've had a horrible week, from the excitement of a first date to feeling used and I won't be doing this to myself again

Laurel. Please read 'He's just not that into you'. It's a bit American-ised to read but you need to read it (in the nicest possible way).

Did you used to be on here as 'watchforthesnail' (or something)? This thread has realy reminded me of that poster - she never used to listen to anybody's good advice either

Oops. I can spell 'really', really....

I don't think she's gameplaying per se, more as said before, invested emotionally after a hiatus of six years (as she in the OP's original post) of not dating.
This is a disappointment but ultimately is a learning experience and the range of emotions are normal..for the OP is emotionally invested what with the false sense of intimacy in the build up to the date to the actual real life intimacy that took place. It might seem out of proportion for one date but not when you take all things into consideration.
I will say, however, that there is an element of self-flagellation that is unhealthy...even from the thread title it's clear the OP is lacking in self esteem and is blaming herself...the guy promised nothing and delivered nothing, no blame either way, he's not a bastard, he did try and subtly remove himself and the advice to ring him etc was possibly misplaced, I personally would have taken the hint, but it takes a few knocks and more experience in the sharky waters of OL dating to figure that out.

No this is my only username! I'm not playing games either! Yes I probably do have low self esteem - hence this is the first (and possibly the last!) foray into dating for me since DD's dad died 6 years ago.

Try not to let this experience put you off dating. Maybe give it a break for a few weeks, but then get back into it.
Speaking for my own experience, although first date sex didn't make me feel emotionally bonded to them, it definitely did cloud my judgement a lot. It's possible that you'd have picked up sooner on his post-date indifference if you hadn't had sex with him.
So, don't beat yourself up about that, it's definitely a lesson learned for next time.

Maybe have a bit more of a wallow about this one tonight, and then start the new week determined to not give him an ounce of your thought energy.

I'm sorry for your loss of DD's dad. It must have been very hard for you this last 6 years.

Sorry Laurel - I didn't think you were playing games, just that your posts reminded me of someone who used to be on here.

And I'm really sorry about your DD's dad. Maybe online dating isn't for you (personally I don't think it's for anyone but hey ho!). Perhaps concentrate on your social life (ie with friends) and see who comes along. Much easier to suss people out in RL

Laurel I'm sorry for your loss.

We have all been in your boat but don't beat yourself up. He's a wanker.

I met my husband and slept with him the first night. Met him when I sent a text to a wrong number so the night we did the did was the first time I met him in person.

You will meet someone lovely don't worry.

Thanks all of you, I have really appreciated all the support. I wish I cold be more laid back about online dating but I tend to jump into things without thinking! I'll probably consider trying again after Christmas, but right now I'll concentrate on DD and myself x

I really don't understand why women (and it is women, it's not something I see men do, generally speaking) have to get all smugly superior/patronising/belittling about others. Some advice on this thread I think is well-intentioned but expressed in such a way it only serves to make the OP feel worse than she already does. Other comments are deliberately unpleasant and/or antagonistic.

It is unfortunate that things haven't worked out better. This guy sounds like the typical inadequate OD bloke, who is really only looking for a shag but has to build it into something more in advance in his own mind (and therefore his date's) to justify it somehow. Or else he's someone who thinks he wants a relationship but bottles it when he realises that's a possibility, and because he's a coward just allows it to wither, and the 0P to keep hoping cos he's too gutless to be honest and speak up.

I suspect I've had more OD dates than most on this thread. I encountered men who, looking back now, were complete Walter Mitty fantasists. Before we met, I had them referring to me as their girlfriend, asking if they could take me away for a weekend, or on holiday, telling me they loved me, etc. After I met them (some - very few tbh - I slept with, others I barely erven kissed) they dropped me like a stone. Not because of anything about me, but because they were, and are, odd. What was far worse than being 'rejected' by date after date, was all those who almost took some sort of schaudenfreude in telling me it was my fault - that I'd done it wrong. Appeared too clingy. Said the wrong thing. Dressed the wrong way. Or that I was picking the wrong men. Which frankly was nasty, and unjustified.

In the end what helped wasn't people telling me how crap I was, or how I shouldn't do xyz, but actually meeting a normal, decent bloke. And by not over-analysing or expecting it to be perfect, or stressing over text frequency, or the speed at which things were or weren't moving. Because ultimately none of that matters.

OP, sorry he was an idiot. You deserve better. Have a break, regroup, and see how you feel in the New Year. Ignore any unpleasant comments.

hey, you got your hopes up. he helped you get your hopes up.

you get your hopes up, after you've been through a hard 6 yrs, and you find out it wasn't right.

my friend said to me the other day

'Onwards, along a bit, and Upwards'

this will make you stronger you know. xxx

Like they say "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince" Im sure most of us have shagged a frog or two as well

I can remember someone saying to one of my friends when I met H "oh im so glad she really wanted a serious relationship" and to be honest that was bullshit - I wanted a relationship with the right person and I see there as being a massive difference in the two things.

Chalk it up to experience and perhaps casual sex just isnt for you

When I was single for a long time I had a FWB but I could never have had 1 night stands and it not f*ck up my emotions in the same way you have been. Not from any moral standpoint but it just wouldnt work for me.

If he doesn't want you. then it is not YOU it is him in this case

frenchmanicure great post

frenchmanicure... It's a shame you weren't on the thread at the start as that's when Laurel needed support rather than at the end when the outcome is known. Then again, hindsight is always 20:20.

I take your point that some of the comments might come across as smug or superior but then again I think that most of the comments have been about this man, that he's not been straight with OP rather than a criticism of her.

I hope Laurel stays away from this thread now.

Tbf, I did post previously (several times) on this thread - I was on the fence about this guy and thought he might be the type to just need a bit of encouragement ...unfortunately I was wrong, I'm not infallible.

I agree there has been some positive advice, and I hope the OP has managed to take something good from that. But referencing the Rules, or 'He's just not that into you', or saying the OP is obsessed, or unhinged aren't helpful and really only make an OP feel worse. I know, because I've been there.

Hi Laurel i very rarely post on here, but my friend had the exact same thing with a chap she met on POF. Fed her all the lines, they met up, slept together and he then became all vague, with lots of empty words and she found him on line again. She came off internet dating for a bit, but then joined Match, she has met and is now living with a lovely chap. She thought that if someone had to pay to join they were probably more serious than those that are free to join. You will meet someone, my friend had been with her husband since she was 16, so over 25 years , it was all very new and daunting for her. Good luck x

I think a bit of sarcasm wouldn't go amiss in dealing with these little boys OP. The cheeky bastard; I have been following this thread, and after reading FrenchManicure's lovely and helpful post, wanted to add something of my own: I think I would have texted back saying something like, "Nothing too heavy is fine, I enjoyed the sex, I didn't ask you to marry me". There is alot of assumption about you in that text he sent, Laurel, it's quite an arrogant text to send, a bit insulting really and he should be embarrassed, not you.

I must put a disclaimer here: I am an acquired taste: certain men love me, but most of them don't . I make them wimper. You need a man who is man enough for you, and hearing that your partner died, I think you need to go easy on yourself and look for someone fun and kindhearted. This chap is just playing, until he decides he really likes you and must have you. If you were good enough to attract him in the first place, you are certainly good enough to attract a few more different blokes and to have fun trying.

I think FrenchManicures is possibly the best post on this whole thread.

I find it awful how quick women are to blame other women, and then to get cross and aggressive when that woman doesnt follow their advice, bearing in mind the wide range of advice the OP has had, it would be impossible for her to follow all of it.

The OP has found herself in an not uncommon situation. Anyone who has done any kind of dating recently will have most likely experienced this. It is not really due to the OP having a bad radar, or low self esteem or being obsessed on unhinged or whatever shit has been thrown at her.

She just believed, and allowed herself to have a bit of faith in someone. Most likely the last time she dated, if someone was nice like that, making plans etc, and then slept with you, it was because they liked you. This isnt the case so much now, internet dating has moved things on for better or worse. The OP wasnt to know that and im sure she will have learnt from this.

The OP sounds perfectly lovely. An ordinary woman struggling in the extraordinary situation that is online dating.

I don't think she has been blamed for anything. I did find myself getting cross with posters giving her false hope and encouraging her to contact a man who clearly was not interested. If a man tells you he is not interested, and acts not interested then it is not bloody helpful to pretend that "oh men are different/shy/he's doing everything he can" or to say otherwise is "screeching, man-hating, all men are bastards etc."

Good luck op. There are nice men out there who WILL be interested.

Thanks everyone, you have all been lovely. I feel a lot better about the whole thing now, it still hurts a bit (I know I'm probably too sensitive) but in the end I think he's the loser at the end of the day. I've blocked him on Facebook, not to be petty but more so I can't see his photograph or previous messages, as despite the fact I unfriended him, he was still showing up on my Facebook chat on my phone!

I have appreciated all the lovely messages, and I hope this thread may help others in the same situation....

Some of these replies are really winding me up now!

Posters were coming on here encouraging her to keep putting herself out there, to pursue him in spite of the fact that he gave clean signals that he wasn't interested.

Some posters said actually no, don't keep throwing yourself at him especially after one bloody date and they're called smug and superior etc. etc.

All that's been achieved now, by encouraging her is that she's been hurt when she didn't deserve to be.