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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surviving a family Christmas when there is already tension.

176 replies

DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 08:33

DD1, her DH and their baby are coming to stay over Christmas. For a week to 10 days. Our relationship is very difficult, their relationship is turbulent.

We also have DD2 (11) and older DS who has left home but will be here as his DP is working. DD1 is prone to dramatics and attention seeking. She is already sulking that I will not babysit on NYE. This is because we have been invited somewhere with DD1. We have had DCs for 25 years and have only ever been to house parties at NY with other friends, or we stay in. Isn't that what most people with DCs have to do? Apparently her MIL will babysit but DD says its not worth it as she will have to get up with the baby the next morning, when she is rough.

Another flash point is Christmas morning. DD1 wants to be there to see her DSIS (DD2) open her presents. She has already asked what DD2 is getting and proclaims that she would have liked that same thing( this is not possible.) DD2 is still at a stage where she gets lots of presents, half believes in Santa ( not really but not sure enough to say she doesn't) and loves the magic of Christmas.

As DS grew up and left home we have bought him less for Christmas. Not necessarily monetary wise but say a Barbour jacket and some aftershave- that's £150 without stocking fillers. DS is more than happy. dD2s main present is around that but she gets more as she gets clothes, toiletries and other bits, just because she's still a child, at home and the other two had all their stuff over the years when they were younger. I know DD1 will be expecting as much as she used to get, she has not spent Christmas with us since she was 17 (20 now). Perhaps we spoilt her/them but she has form for selling her laptop, one years present, and iPhone, another year, to cash converters.

Oh, this is so long, sorry. The point, should I reign in DD2s presents so as not to offend DD1? Should I buy more for DD1 and so, in turn, DS, to make it equal, even though they're adults? Should DD1 just have to accept that she's an adult and therefore doesn't get the same anymore? My GS is only 6 months old and will only get a few clothes and a couple of toys plus some money for his bank account as heis too little to know what is going on.

OP posts:
shoom · 14/12/2013 17:29

Get your husband to speak to her, since she only pulls this stuff with you directly?

Maria33 · 14/12/2013 17:31

My ILs live an 8 hour drive away. I soon learnt 5 days worked for everyone. Two days traveling, three days staying and we were all sorry to say goodbye! Anything longer and we were all desperate for the end of the visit!

Maria33 · 14/12/2013 17:39

Sorry, just read the whole thread. She is bullying you and needs to be given firm boundaries.

I think that bullies are like emotional toddlers: they think they know what they want but actually appreciate firm boundaries. No one likes behaving badly. If she can't set her own boundaries, set them for her. She definitely won't thank you for letting her walk all over you. Bullies never do. She'll just tell you that you should have said no.

If you insist on her behaving well, it might even improve your relationship in the longer term. Good luck. Sounds like a nightmare.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/12/2013 07:57

Hope today goes alright.

Stay strong

Hissy · 15/12/2013 08:06

I second ^ that!

Thinking of you. Let DH deal with her if she turns up.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 15/12/2013 10:19

One phone call and 7 texts so far this morning.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 15/12/2013 10:47

Gosh op, she IS hardwork!!!!
Lock your doors, close your curtains, you said "no", teach her you mean business !

cozietoesie · 15/12/2013 17:18

.....It seems to me that she only hears what she wants to and does not pick up undertones at all. Or maybe she does and is now retaking what she sees as control of the situation......

Quite.

She sounds enormously troubled but I think you're now at the point where either she goes down the chute by herself or your whole family does; and you also have responsibilities to your DH, DS, DD2 and - not least - yourself.

Time to be tough and chilly.

Hissy · 15/12/2013 18:07

What are thé texts saying? What does she want from you today?

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 15/12/2013 18:34

To say she had arrived and when could they come. I know it sounds harsh but they were due next week, not today, and as far as she knew we already had plans today.

Anyway- they popped in on the off chance. In every normal relationship it must be ok to pop into your parents whenever you feel like it. But this isn't a "normal" relationship. It was fine and really lovely to see my GS who has grown into a gorgeous chubby little thing. But

She then upset the apple cart by wanting to take DD2 off to tea at her PILs. Which would be fine normally but DD2 has to be up at 4am to catch a train, which DD 2 does every Monday and DD1 knows this. Sunday evenings DD2 is packing, getting herself sorted and early bedtime. So DD2 was upset as she wanted to go with the baby. This is why I didn't want them here today. DD2 only has 3 more days at school and now she'll be unsettled thinking she is missing out on time with the baby. (this is what I meant about DD1 emotionally blackmailing by using DD2.)

So I told DD1 that she shouldn't have said that, that DD2 was upset and that it made me look like the bad one. I told her to go and explain that DD2 could have all the time she wanted with the baby over the Christmas holidays but that tonight it wasn't happening.

And so it has begun.

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/12/2013 18:37

So tell her that she needs to continue on with her plans and you'll see them when you agreed.

If you can't do this, get dh to.

Why is ne not managing this if she listens to him?

cozietoesie · 15/12/2013 18:49

Downton

You/you and your DH need to face up to this sometime - when is it going to be? You and your family are not going to survive hand-wringing for the next 40 years - and beyond. (Because she'll likely latch on to her siblings when you're no longer around.)

Meerka · 15/12/2013 18:54

strength, downton. Hope you and your DH can keep united, that you can give each other support and DD2.

Clutterbugsmum · 15/12/2013 19:29

Yes it is normal for people to 'pop in' and see their parents on the way past. It is not normal to 'pop in' on the off chance when living 8 hours away. That's planned.

MushroomSoup · 18/12/2013 22:44

How are you coping, OP?

YetAnotherFucker · 18/12/2013 23:07

I can understand how you love DD1 without liking her very much.

I think you do need to understand that you can't help her, unless she accepts that there is something very wrong with the way she behaves and genuinely asks you for that help.

Constantly giving into her demands, however, is really not helping her, it's enabling her behaviour.

I know how difficult it gets but I think you have to start telling her what
is going to happen, rather than her telling you.

As an example, please tell her that she is welcome for Christmas but you will be going out as planned and also won't be there at New Year and they will have to leave the day before you go away. That should avoid any possible tantrums delaying your departure.

Finally, please enjoy your time away over New Year, have a great time.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 20/12/2013 11:16

Everything has gone fairly smoothly so far.

I have stood my ground and stated our plans. They stayed two nights this week and it has been ok.

I have agreed to have the baby overnight, tonight, and only tonight. It is better for me to have him here and them stay at The ILs so that they are not coming in at silly o clock and disturbing everyone. They know we are away over new year.

So far, she has been pleasant and non argumentative, and while I'm still a bit on edge and well aware there could be flashpoints, I feel much better after listening to the advice on here and knowing I can stand my ground.

As an aside, little man,(GS), is the most scrumptious, adorable, heartwarming thing in the world.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/12/2013 17:34

Lovely to read that it's going well, how do you think your son in law is doing btw?

cozietoesie · 21/12/2013 00:36

That's good. You'll find that standing up to her gets easier. You won't become uncaring but you will feel stronger.

So glad that you're enjoying your time with your GS.

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 09:20

I really don't understand why you spend less on some and more on others. I spend the same amount in each child regardless of age. Seems the fairer way

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 09:21

I will also spend the same amount when the older ones are adults.

RandomMess · 21/12/2013 09:22

Tapiocapearl - As your dc get married and have their own children what will you do?

Spend the same amount on the dc-in-law and grandchildren as your children?

TBH I don't think I could afford to. I don't spend exactly the same on my dc now - with 4 we can't afford to!!!

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 09:24

I also think your younger one is old enough to not go to FIL's and not create a fuss about missing out on the baby.

DuchessFanny · 21/12/2013 10:49

Hope all is still going well OP !

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 13:26

Random mess - yes I plan to do the same with my kids. At the moment we spend 30 a head on the kids and any bigger gifts are got through clubbing birthday/Xmas money together and also money from grandparents (30 per set of grandparents).

Father Christmas just leaves a stocking and gifts under the tree are from us, various aunts, friends etc.

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