Surviving a family Christmas when there is already tension.

[DowntonTrout]

DD1, her DH and their baby are coming to stay over Christmas. For a week to 10 days. Our relationship is very difficult, their relationship is turbulent.

We also have DD2 (11) and older DS who has left home but will be here as his DP is working. DD1 is prone to dramatics and attention seeking. She is already sulking that I will not babysit on NYE. This is because we have been invited somewhere with DD1. We have had DCs for 25 years and have only ever been to house parties at NY with other friends, or we stay in. Isn't that what most people with DCs have to do? Apparently her MIL will babysit but DD says its not worth it as she will have to get up with the baby the next morning, when she is rough.

Another flash point is Christmas morning. DD1 wants to be there to see her DSIS (DD2) open her presents. She has already asked what DD2 is getting and proclaims that she would have liked that same thing( this is not possible.) DD2 is still at a stage where she gets lots of presents, half believes in Santa ( not really but not sure enough to say she doesn't) and loves the magic of Christmas.

As DS grew up and left home we have bought him less for Christmas. Not necessarily monetary wise but say a Barbour jacket and some aftershave- that's £150 without stocking fillers. DS is more than happy. dD2s main present is around that but she gets more as she gets clothes, toiletries and other bits, just because she's still a child, at home and the other two had all their stuff over the years when they were younger. I know DD1 will be expecting as much as she used to get, she has not spent Christmas with us since she was 17 (20 now). Perhaps we spoilt her/them but she has form for selling her laptop, one years present, and iPhone, another year, to cash converters.

Oh, this is so long, sorry. The point, should I reign in DD2s presents so as not to offend DD1? Should I buy more for DD1 and so, in turn, DS, to make it equal, even though they're adults? Should DD1 just have to accept that she's an adult and therefore doesn't get the same anymore? My GS is only 6 months old and will only get a few clothes and a couple of toys plus some money for his bank account as heis too little to know what is going on.

I just feel so sad for all of you because there really isn't a solution. Being positive you will get to see her with your GC and if her behaviour isn't okay perhaps it's an opportunity to get some professionals involved, very difficult I know as she usually lives so far away Have you been able to chat to her MIL, how are they all coping with the situation and how is your Son-in-law in the midst of all of this?

FFFok

That is the problem. She is not a fully functioning adult yet. She is, however, a married woman with a child. There is parenting to be done but sometimes it's like dealing with a toddler. Don't touch that- it's hot. Toddler then touches hot thing. Toddlers cries, you comfort. Next day, don't touch that, remember it burnt you yesterday. Toddler (sneakily) touches hot thing again. Cries, repeat as necessary.

Totally get what you are saying about friends. It's not just the baby.

Sorry my post seems conpletely irrelevant as there is obviously a back story.

Best wishes

but they have to drive 8 hours to get here.

If this is the UK, no-one has to drive eight hours. They use a train, like sensible people. If they have a child, they can use an F&F railcard and get a substantial discount, too.

Downton

Where is your son in law in all this?

The DD and SIL are a forces family.

Huge huge scary back story

Wish I had some ideas

I see..I agree with other it must be tough re DGC.

Is this tough love time?

Have you ever sat her down and in short easy to grasp statements how she is?

I lived with my BF and his parents at 21/22, when I look back now and see how selfish I was and I didnt appreciate anything I cringe. Thankfully I am still in touch with them. But on one occasion my BF did point out all my shortcommings and I was devastated, very upset but I was oblivious I was a bt if drama queen and needs to be told.

I'm nearly 40 now! I believe being there for your child can mean different things - including being honest with them. I think helping her tobecome a better person will help your GC no end.

You sound nice and decent like you know whats what re manners/expectations. Re thoughts about your mum (sorry btw) I think that highlights how desperate this has become. its as if your sitting there waiting for a tidal wave of shit to happen and cant stop it, you may be able to liit the damage though.

I meant my BF's DM

Friday if I'm correct the dds husband is in the forces abroad.

friday unfortunately they are in the middle of no where. The station is an hour away. The train journey is a minimum of 8 hours with only one change. They have a dog- dont get me started on the bloody dog- who would travel with them. It's just not feasible.

Son in law. I suspect is very quickly realising what he has got himself into. She has said that he has hit her. But one minute it's a push, the next a slap. tBH I have tried to advise her and said she must log it with her GP, if that is the case. But the next thing, they're in love, can't possibly be parted and nothing more is said. They bicker constantly and she talks to him like a piece of shit. The thought of tiptoeing around that all Christmas is another reason I can't face it.

I know that I would be giving dd2 whatever dh and I thought appropriate and sod dd1's reaction.

you first need to imo restrict the time she stays. lay it down on the table.
You are her mother,
She can come on X day, and leave on Y day.

short and sweet.
you have plans
wishing you strength x

Are they bringing the dog?? That would be a deal breaker for me. My house my rules = no animals.

No-one gets to tell ME what I allow animal wise in MY house. Suggest you adopt the same attitude. If you can't enforce your own rules on that then you have not chance at standing up to her.

Downton, sorry your DD1 is still causing you emotional grief.

I would phone/e mail before hand stating that as they are staying for 2 weeks that she/they are responsible for cooking dinner 2 nights and that includes them buying/paying for all the ingredients. That they are free to do thier washing as and when but you will not be doing it for them.

DD2 will be having the same christmas as she did growing up and that as usual dinner will be done as it was/has always been whether that be 2pm or 4pm.

Oh and don't give dd1 anymore presents then you have got for her, she has got more then enough. And the same as dd2 is still a child and should be treated as such. Yes she will get more presents, this year and in future yrs as did both your dd1 and ds did when they were children.

I always thought the general rule was that when you have you own kids the money from your own parents goes to children. my mum gives us as a family a small lump sum to spend as we need. usually we spend it on the boys! it's Bern like this since I was 20 and had my first child. don't get your dd2 any less she is just getting what the others did at her she!

Tbh, you need to manage what happens in your house for christmas.

You need to shorten the visit.

Tell her she's welcome for christmas if she wants to do that, but that you are away for nye and you want the house empty while you are not there.

This will mean that she spends nye at her inlaws, so it's spreading the time evenly.

Your GS seems to be in a highly unsatisfactory situation. You need to be prepared to report to SS if you are concerned.

You need to get her DH onside (if he's a decent bloke)

Have you thought about counselling to help you find some strength to deal with this. She's only going to get worse, and I worry for the safety of her child. Sounds like a 'neglect' case or 'at risk' situation in the making.

I would also tell her that you expect her to provide meals for everyone on certain days, and that she will be expected - like any other guest - to clear up after herself and pitch in.

The sky won't fall in if you say this. She doesn't have to come and visit. If she strops off, that's her choice.

The dog will be going in kennels. Neither us or his parents will have it in the house. I have dogs anyway. Why not put it in the kennels where they live? Why not indeed.

Yes, yes to everything everyone is saying. I felt I needed to be told the present situation was reasonable. It gives me strength.

I think you need to treat the situation like she has been diagnosed with a pd.
iiwy, I would tell her that she is welcome to come from x to y days. Nothing else is possible, you wont be there. Then you say what plans you have. Just you. She cannot come with you. You make a timetable of when you're available or not. Fill in when she is expected to help. Everybody gets jobs- fill in everyone's. Meal plan. Offer no choices. It is x or nothing, regarding food, your help, her staying anything that's a problem. If you've written it down in a reasonable way that she is fairly treated it solves a lot of stress. Keep looking at the list, refer her to the list, the list is your friend.
I would have a script to follow and everyone must say the same things. Present a united front, make it clear your family is a unit or a team.
It is hard work dealing with someone with a pd, but when that person is your family it's even harder as they know you and how to get under your skin and how to hurt you most.
On one hand I think you poor thing, dealing with it is do hard, why the hell should you all have to suffer. On the other hand she is your daughter and wants to come home for Christmas. Should she need an invite?
My mum behaves similarly and I've found it useful to treat her like she has the diagnosis. You can google ways to treat pd for tips

Why exactly won't she stay with her in-laws? Are you seen as the soft touch?

Your eldest daughter is clearly a spoilt brat. She chose to have a baby so she must shoulder the responsibility.
My mum is babysitting for us on NYE which is payment for us hosting Christmas for the second time running. All my siblings are coming and it's a big deal but we don't mind at all. It's always a bit of give and take in our family. Your daughter really needs to stop taking and give something back! I hope it works out for you op

Oh Downton sorry to here things are still so tough for you :(

There is no easy solution unfortunately, and I think you know she is never going to change, but at the end of the day it's your daughter and grandson isn't it.

I hope you can find a solution

What a nightmare for you.

It really is time to put your foot down with her. It's easier said than done, but you need to be strong on this or she will continue to do it.

Very long, but similar story with my Mum and it was explained to her (before Xmas) that she was very welcome round with the rest of the family for Xmas Day, however She was to leave the negative comments at home, not spend all day at the back door smoking Nd she could help with setting the table and peeling veg. She turned up and spent the first hour sneaking out smoking, then moaned about the cold, the kids etc etc and then refused to help out.

I took her to the front door and gave her 2 choices - put a smile on your face and help out or leave now! She said nothing, so I handed her the coat, opened the door and made her leave.

I spent years of having my Mother spoil things for us and last year was the final one she was allowed to do it. She is not welcome in my house now and definitely not on Xmas Day.

Oh, Downton, love, I'll apologise formy inconvenient mr memory but when I saw it was you, I just thought "noooooooooo... not more problems with the horrible DD!!!" :(
I agree with everyone who said to set out expectations now, get everyone in your family to agree to say the same thing, and to shorten their visit. Really, you must. You cannot let her continue to abuse you like this. I wish I could give you a huge hug and steep you in all the strength of Mumsnet.

I also feel so sad for your DD2. What a burden of a sister to grow up with. :(

What helps me when facing a conflict I'm afraid of is saying what I want to say out loud (obviously when I'm alone :o) and practising it until it comes out right - tone, words, everything. And practising again until the time comes when I have to say it, and by then it feels like something I've done before so not as scary.

Also, when I feel backed into a corner or not treated very well, I sometimes pretend I have an invisible twin, and my twin loves me and wants to protect me. And then I say the things my twin would say to stick up for me. weirdo

thats good advice jacksmania I m going to get myself a twin now!