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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surviving a family Christmas when there is already tension.

176 replies

DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 08:33

DD1, her DH and their baby are coming to stay over Christmas. For a week to 10 days. Our relationship is very difficult, their relationship is turbulent.

We also have DD2 (11) and older DS who has left home but will be here as his DP is working. DD1 is prone to dramatics and attention seeking. She is already sulking that I will not babysit on NYE. This is because we have been invited somewhere with DD1. We have had DCs for 25 years and have only ever been to house parties at NY with other friends, or we stay in. Isn't that what most people with DCs have to do? Apparently her MIL will babysit but DD says its not worth it as she will have to get up with the baby the next morning, when she is rough.

Another flash point is Christmas morning. DD1 wants to be there to see her DSIS (DD2) open her presents. She has already asked what DD2 is getting and proclaims that she would have liked that same thing( this is not possible.) DD2 is still at a stage where she gets lots of presents, half believes in Santa ( not really but not sure enough to say she doesn't) and loves the magic of Christmas.

As DS grew up and left home we have bought him less for Christmas. Not necessarily monetary wise but say a Barbour jacket and some aftershave- that's £150 without stocking fillers. DS is more than happy. dD2s main present is around that but she gets more as she gets clothes, toiletries and other bits, just because she's still a child, at home and the other two had all their stuff over the years when they were younger. I know DD1 will be expecting as much as she used to get, she has not spent Christmas with us since she was 17 (20 now). Perhaps we spoilt her/them but she has form for selling her laptop, one years present, and iPhone, another year, to cash converters.

Oh, this is so long, sorry. The point, should I reign in DD2s presents so as not to offend DD1? Should I buy more for DD1 and so, in turn, DS, to make it equal, even though they're adults? Should DD1 just have to accept that she's an adult and therefore doesn't get the same anymore? My GS is only 6 months old and will only get a few clothes and a couple of toys plus some money for his bank account as heis too little to know what is going on.

OP posts:
rockyroadahead · 10/12/2013 07:35

ps not read all posts just op so may have missed vital info ... sorry if this is the case

Earthymama · 10/12/2013 07:56

Having skimmed the thread and remembering some of your past struggles I have no new advice to give, except to agree with lots of the advice you have been given up thread.

However, I have a suggestion. When a friend was struggling with a situation that seemed to just go round in circles he consulted an NLP practitioner for just a couple of sessions and found it massively helpful.

I think this might help you?

Sensing big Cwtches because I know how it feels to be stuck in a situation in which you have such little control.

nilbyname · 10/12/2013 08:23

Oh downton I remember you! just wanted to say that you are not wrong! you are doing the right things and your Dd is very troubled.

I am so sorry this is what you are going through with your own mum
Being unwell. HuGs to you.

I would-
Draw up a family contract with all the family, including dd and her partner of expected behaviours, jobs etc. as a family agree on what is going to happen to support dd and your grandson. Laminate it. Stick it everywhere.

Things like-
Shorten the visit
Meal rota
Cleaning jobs
What to do if feeling anxious of stressed
Babysitting support (1 night and 2 afternoons?)
How to behave at other peoples houses
Contributions to food/alcohol
Presents-I would be inclined to do a secrecy Santa with all the adults and no more to , a value of £40.
Nice things that will happen as a family( charades, bonfire, games night, lunch out)

Be military in your prep. Get your twin ready!

Clutterbugsmum · 10/12/2013 08:24

Woolytights

OP didn't invite her dd for christmas, she invites herself. Her dd was only going to stay a couple of days, now it's 2 weeks.

DD1 wants OP to not go to a pre arranged New party and look after her child. Why should OP give up her night out, she's had years of missing New Years Eve's events looking after her own children.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 10/12/2013 08:33

I have spoken to DD about new year. I have also said that there may be some other things we have to go to. She is fine about that. woollytights it isn't a case of excluding her on purpose, if we are invited out as a couple, or even as a trio we cannot really turn up with adult children in tow, plus their partners, plus a baby. Her DH has a huge family and they are going to various family parties which we are not invited to. That's normal isn't it?

There will still be flashpoints.my plan is to be clear about things and not to react to her strops. I, being the youngest sibling by far, had an awful relationship with my own DM and went NC for a number if years after my DM and DDad divorced, so I know how it is to be the child in a difficult relationship.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 10/12/2013 10:48

Well done DowntonTrout for speaking to your DD, hopefully you feel better about the situation now.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 10/12/2013 11:37

It sounds like a good start in view of the whole situation. I hope it goes as well as can be expected.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 14/12/2013 09:31

Uh oh.

Apparently DD is planning on driving down tonight to surprise us, a week early.

It seems to me that she only hears what she wants to and does not pick up undertones at all. Or maybe she does and is now retaking what she sees as control of the situation.

I have a huge amount on this week. We are busy today and tomorrow. The spare room is not ready, all the Christmas presents are in there, unwrapped. There is no time to sort anything and my carefully laid plans to get everything done by when DD2 finishes on weds will be blown out of the water.

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 14/12/2013 09:32

Well, phone her and tell her that you can't accommodate her.

RandomMess · 14/12/2013 09:36

Well she'll have put up with it all won't she, don't change your plans

"What a surprise! You'll have to help with the present wrapping so you've got somewhere to sleep. I can probably find enough food for today but you'll have to go shopping and sort yourselves out for the rest of the week as I've got a tight schedule to adher to"

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 14/12/2013 09:43

Yes. No plans will change, because they can't. I just feel under so much pressure now.

OP posts:
Hissy · 14/12/2013 09:43

Phone her NOW!

Explain to her that this is not the time of year for surprises of this kind, and that she can stay for 3 days and that's it. She can't stay for NYE because you're away and after all the years of putting others first, this year it's your turn.

How she takes that is up to her. She can either accept that you are both adults and that YOU have a right to life too, or she can remain in parent/child land and she'll miss out on the new and exciting phase of your lives as mother and daughter adults, sharing new experiences and responsibilities together.

You have to be firm on this.

Hissy · 14/12/2013 09:45

PS - she's doing this as a surprise as she knows there's no way you'd agree to it otherwise.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/12/2013 09:56

Tell her NO, i agree with Hissy, she is "surprising" because you wouldn't agree to this !!

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 14/12/2013 10:02

That is exactly what she is doing Hissy.

I briefly told her that tomorrow was not suitable, as I was travelling yesterday and did not get home til very late. We have guests tomorrow, specifically arranged to come before DD arrived because of family tensions and not wanting to have them all here together. I won't go into it as that's another side of the story but suffice to say it would make for a very tense situation. Thank goodness I found out about her planned surprise.

OP posts:
Original poster
DowntonTrout · 14/12/2013 10:15

Telling her no is one thing. They are still driving down. They will still be around, no matter what I say. Even if they stay with his family. I have the whole week planned, DD2 has 3 days left at school, I have one of those days to prepare for DD1s stay, get presents wrapped etc.

I fully intend to keep repeating "no, I have to do....this..." but it doesn't bode well for her getting in a strop before I even see her. Which, in turn, means we will begin with tension and sets us up for even more stress.

Because I had got my head around them coming, how I would stay firm, get everything out of the way this week so that I could at least try and have some calm quality time with GS, I now feel I've been blindsided and am back to panic mode.

OP posts:
Hissy · 14/12/2013 13:25

Stick to your plans, and be ultra firm.

LET her strop! She has to stay with his family, you won't deviate from your plans, and that is that.

"Next time, arrange it properly with me and i'll have all the time in the world"

Hissy · 14/12/2013 13:27

I'd blow her surprise out of the water myself and say that you know why she's done this and it's unacceptable.

Sod decorum, you have an entire family pussyfooting around her , and for what?

So she gets to fuck up everyone's christmas?

No. No. No!

pumpkinsweetie · 14/12/2013 13:28

If she won't listen to no, just be out!

Clutterbugsmum · 14/12/2013 13:49

Tell her from both you and your Dh that they can not stay this week as you have invited guest and are busy all week. So they can either book into a hotel (at their cost, do not pay in any circumstance) or stay with her husband family.

Stay strong you can do it.

Clutterbugsmum · 14/12/2013 13:52

Oh and she has done this on purpose because you have given her ground rules about her planned stay. She is trying to get the power back and for you to cave in and do what she wants.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 14/12/2013 15:00

Stranger and stranger.

She phoned this morning and DD2 answered. Before I could stop her I could hear her telling DD1 who was coming tomorrow, I could tell DD1 was grilling her. She was then very funny with me saying that she'd like to see us if we could make time. Bloody hell, I have made time, almost two weeks over Christmas.

Anyway, as it turns out, one of our guests is ill and they are not coming now. I am not going to say anything because even without the guests I still have a lot to do but I will bet, absolutely that they still turn up tomorrow.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 14/12/2013 15:08

I agree don't tell her your guest arn't coming. Just stick with you invited guests coming and are busy all week. And you will see her as planned over christmas.

Meerka · 14/12/2013 15:54

downton you're going ot have to face the explosions.

Its cave in or handle them, hard as they are. Which option will you choose?

I would research hotels, ring them to find out which ones have spaces, and then give them the list. She's playing games, as you know :s

myBOYSareBONKERS · 14/12/2013 17:23

She will turn this all onto you and say that you are making her feel unwelcome when all she was trying to do was be nice and surprise you by wanting to spend more time with you.

She'll feel justified in her own strop then when you get on with your own plans. ..

Don't fall for her crap. Stay strong and if she doesn't stay for Christmas then that is her own doing.