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Original poster

Surviving a family Christmas when there is already tension.

176 replies

DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 08:33

DD1, her DH and their baby are coming to stay over Christmas. For a week to 10 days. Our relationship is very difficult, their relationship is turbulent.

We also have DD2 (11) and older DS who has left home but will be here as his DP is working. DD1 is prone to dramatics and attention seeking. She is already sulking that I will not babysit on NYE. This is because we have been invited somewhere with DD1. We have had DCs for 25 years and have only ever been to house parties at NY with other friends, or we stay in. Isn't that what most people with DCs have to do? Apparently her MIL will babysit but DD says its not worth it as she will have to get up with the baby the next morning, when she is rough.

Another flash point is Christmas morning. DD1 wants to be there to see her DSIS (DD2) open her presents. She has already asked what DD2 is getting and proclaims that she would have liked that same thing( this is not possible.) DD2 is still at a stage where she gets lots of presents, half believes in Santa ( not really but not sure enough to say she doesn't) and loves the magic of Christmas.

As DS grew up and left home we have bought him less for Christmas. Not necessarily monetary wise but say a Barbour jacket and some aftershave- that's £150 without stocking fillers. DS is more than happy. dD2s main present is around that but she gets more as she gets clothes, toiletries and other bits, just because she's still a child, at home and the other two had all their stuff over the years when they were younger. I know DD1 will be expecting as much as she used to get, she has not spent Christmas with us since she was 17 (20 now). Perhaps we spoilt her/them but she has form for selling her laptop, one years present, and iPhone, another year, to cash converters.

Oh, this is so long, sorry. The point, should I reign in DD2s presents so as not to offend DD1? Should I buy more for DD1 and so, in turn, DS, to make it equal, even though they're adults? Should DD1 just have to accept that she's an adult and therefore doesn't get the same anymore? My GS is only 6 months old and will only get a few clothes and a couple of toys plus some money for his bank account as heis too little to know what is going on.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 09:58

I should have added - what is the situation with your grandchild? Is he safe with her?

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 09:58

Lucy as I said above, we have never got into the habit of spending the same on the DCs because of the big age gaps.

EG as an adult, earning your own money, living in your own home, do you still get the same amount of gifts from your parents? I know i didnt. DS is 25, DD 20. It just progresses that way, tell me if that's not the norm- ?

Our last minute surprise baby, DD2, is still a child.

Mist yes. You have it. God help me, I need to stop giving in to emotional blackmail. It is changing the behaviour of years and years though. She holds everyone in her life to ransom, not just me, but my DH, DS, DD2, MIL, cousins, friends, they all had enough and gave up.

OP posts:
HoneyandRum · 07/12/2013 09:59

I think there is no way you should have her stay for that long in these circumstances, if at all. If she has broken relationships in all directions (DP, ILs, former friends etc.) combined with the suicidal tendencies than there is a good chance she does have a PD. This whole situations could go nuclear with the stress and expectation of Christmas too. Protect your younger DD and your marriage, you may have to cancel the invite. I'm very sorry that a GC is involved but I don't see any good in her coming, in fact quite the opposite.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 07/12/2013 10:00

I'm sorry Downton.

I don't honestly think there is anything you can do that will mean you will get a 'reasonable' or appropriate reaction from DD1.

With that in mind I'd just try not to let it spoil your relationship with your other kids. Lay out what your plans are and tell DD1 in advance. Tell her she will get less now she has her own kids (perfectly standard/normal to do this) if she kicks off do tour best to ignore it and continue with your plans with the others.

I know it's hard. Hope you will get a chance to bind with gs at least.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 07/12/2013 10:01

Would she be staying at yours while you go away at new year?

Given her history I wouldn't be comfortable with her being there whilst you are away.

cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 10:02

Neither would I, actually. But there are so many things here.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 07/12/2013 10:02

I think it's important you perservere with a relationship with your grandson. He might need you when he is older.

cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 10:04

TeWi

I think that one of my concerns is that he might need the OP now.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 07/12/2013 10:04

But not at the expense of her other daughter and her own mental health

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 10:06

Can't type much (on my crappy phone) so this is going to be blunter than I would wish but you essentially have 2 choices

#1 Decide to set boundaries. Reduce length of stay to just 1 wk. Do not baby sit on nye. Do not skivvy for them. Tell her all this, plainly, before she comes. If she strops, ignore and restate your terms. If she cancels, so be it.

#2 Vent here but carry on doing what you are doing, and get what you always get

pumpkinsweetie · 07/12/2013 10:09

I think your dd1 sounds rather spoilt thinking she should recieve the same when she is nearly twice the age of dd2 & a grown up! But if you are spending so much on your ds i can understand why she expects more, as he is also a grown up too.

But as far as babysitting goes she sounds rather selfish expecting you to babysit on NYE when you have your own do to go to!

Maybe you could see them for less days, maybe 3 days would be more managable? And that way you get to see your gc without putting yourself out for a whole 10 days.
10 days is a lot when you don't get along with someone.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 10:09

If op has serious concerns about her gs, a snapshot of couple of Weeks at her house is not going to solve them if he is normally 8 hours away. That is a different matter, tbh

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 10:12

Oh! Lots of X posting!

Thank you. Thank you all.

It comes across that I don't like her. And that is true. But I love her as my child. Can't help that. It breaks my heart that she is so miserable and feels the need to control and exert pressure on everyone. I don't know how to help her, god knows I've tried, and failed many times. There is, thankfully, huge geographical distance, and therefore some emotional distance, between us.

When all the other stuff happened, people said give her the benefit of doubt, this baby could be the making of her, you will love your GC no matter what (I do) but so far, there is no sign of her taking responsibility for her actions. It is as if she is on self destruct. So yes, she does scare me.

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 07/12/2013 10:12

I agree Mist i don't believe it will solve ops concerns as an act can be put on for 10 days and being 8hrs away it would be hard to know what is going on in dd1 home with being so far away.

cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 10:16

It's a complication is all. I would be real tough with her but having a vulnerable infant involved makes things more difficult for the OP.

The OP's daughter doesn't sound to me as if she's capable of putting on an act for 10 days, pumpkin.

NearTheWindmill · 07/12/2013 10:16

I'm sorry OP. It sounds a nightmare and probably there isn't a lot you can do to make it better. Would setting a really firm routine help. This is what we are doing on this day, at this time, this is our agenda and you can either join in or not join in but we are not altering arrangements for you. As far as presents are concerned - what you spend is up to you but I expect you will spend as much on dd1, her dh and the baby over the holidays as you will on everyone else.

On Christmas day itself I'd be minded to go less with the flow and have more of a plan, for example, Christmas dinner is at 6pm - come or don't come but I need to know in advance and we will sit down to eat at 6pm and I will not be getting up to set additional places if you arrive later.

It's easier when you are a control freak like me I suspect.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 10:22

I have a friend with a very volatile and selfish DD, mother of four. She has also tried to help her down the years.... several unplanned pregnancies, money problems, bad relationship etc.... and had everything thrown back in her face. Viciously on occasions. Like you she was worried that, if she wasn't there to help the GCs or the DD, they would all end up meeting a sticky end. This year something has happened that has forced her to take a big step back, stop 'helping' and let her DD finally get on with life. It's killing her, but she's resigned to it.

No-one takes responsibility for their actions when they know there is a big squashy mum-shaped safety-net that they can use and abuse.

Original poster
DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 10:26

pumpkin I gave an example of what DS had a couple of years ago. It's usually some clothes and aftershave. I'm planning on getting DD1 a coat, perfume, a onesie and a couple of bits. I know that in the real world that is plenty for an adult child.possibly more than most get from their parents.

No, I don't want them here if we go away. I just don't. For all sorts of reasons. I have already broached the fact that we are busy NYE but she doesn't know it's a trip away. Shit I must man up and tell her.

I have feared all along that I may end up looking after my GS. She has threatened to leave her DH a couple of times and has expected to be able to come home. While I would not see her on the streets I have made it clear that it would only be a stop gap while she found somewhere else. All of a sudden she didn't want to leave him ( she wants an all expenses holiday with a nanny ( me) thrown in and a big dramatic reunion. )

OP posts:
Original poster
DowntonTrout · 07/12/2013 10:34

Yes Cogito sounds familiar.

It's having the strength to do it. My mother is dying, I've enough going on with that. Maybe that will come to a head before Christmas and Christmas will be cancelled.

You see where my head is? Thinking that if my DM dies it will be an excuse? That is a terrible thing for me to be thinking I know. Something has to give and I fear it will be me Sad

OP posts:
NearTheWindmill · 07/12/2013 10:34

Has her mental health ever been properly assessed. Is that something that could be arranged? Can you clearly set out your expectations - you will make family meals; you will take the baby out for a walk for 45 minutes but that is it? Having said all that 20 is very young to have a baby.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 10:37

It's always been you Sad

Preciousbane · 07/12/2013 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liquidstate · 07/12/2013 10:44

OP thats way more than I would get from my parents.

I would also never descend on my mums house for 10 days, far too long. Arrive christmas eve, bugger off the day after boxing day so my mum can enjoy a rest. My DH does the washing up and I cook breakfast. We also arrive with christmas eve dinner ready to heat up.

Tell her she cannot stay after christmas as you are going away. For her sake you need to stop letting her do this to you. I am so sorry about your mum.

feelingfuckingfestiveok · 07/12/2013 11:02

I'm sorry but she sounds like a nightmare.

Im tempted just to say you need to point a few things out to her before she arrives, better to have an awkward conversation possibly a little tiff that can be sorted before she actually arrives and sits there like the queen of naff all.

I think its bad manners not to want to go to her DH's parents (unless there are serious issues with them) I also think the fact that your friends have said she is not to come to their's is a bit hmm, maybe it's not becuase of the baby....just saying.

I'm sorry as I know this is your DD. But FWIW I dont think I was that thoughtful at that age and definately lazy. I dont think I was very mature and knew who I was until about 25. I still think there is a bit of parenting to be done here.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 07/12/2013 11:15

Right! You know what the problems are and you know what you want AND you know what you have to do about it.

So......

Time to sort it out. You have to make the decision to either face up to her or let her continue to be a PITA and a sapper of your diminishing energy.

Which will it be?? Either way make a decision and be at peace with it. Sorry to sound so harsh but I have read so many similar threads that go on and on but Christmas is coming quite quickly now and you need to get this resolved TODAY.

Very very best of luck x