Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

This isn't about "letting your husband go on a stag do" and its not about your jealousy, its about being under constant stress and being knackered and having next to no respite.

Forget about the stag do, he'll go or he won't and if you did manage to get him to stay you wouldn't hear the end of it.

You have a very complex home situation with no respite and your DH treats you as the default parent. Been there done that, unfortunately you are not the only woman whose partner thinks that having ovaries makes us immune to child/ home related stress. I don't think you actually begrudge him down time but when that down time is at your expense then it is very hard to swallow, especially when you are living the situation 24/7.

Finding some structured 'me time' in your life is imperative, the cost to your family, husband and the state if you can't keep all the balls in the air would be huge. The Jan support is a good begin but you need more and that will require a fight and you need to recruit others to support you in that fight.

I am a single parent to one of the easiest children in the world but I hated the feeling that even going to the toilet or having a shower was not without stress and demands from a little person.

You will get through this night because you have little choice and you are kick arse. However, after your child's party the silent 'what about me' that goes on in your head needs to be vocalised. Its hard when your partner chooses not to see your struggles and always manages to prioritise his needs but you must start taking time for yourself (in reality this is time for your family too because a relaxed you is better than a frazzled you).

Sweetheart you are doing an amazing job under incredible circumstances but you NEED SUPPORT!

I have a 10 week old baby who won't be put down, ever, and two year old twins. I understand your worry about how you can't manage the bedtime routine alone. A few days ago, my husband came home and said he was going to his work Christmas do next week and I immediately panicked inside because I know from experience how hard it will be to manage on my own for that evening. And yes, there is a touch of resentment that he still has glimpses of a carefree life while I am stuck at home breastfeeding the baby and struggling with the other two.

However, I know that it is completely unreasonable for me to feel this way!

My solution is to let the routine slide for that night. The kids won't get a bath and will stay up late. He will be expected to help out more the next morning. Is this something you could do? Give the injection without having to settle the child while you sit out the fractious feeding?

I've read through all the posts I missed last night (ds2 woke up closely followed by dd2 and dh was fast asleep downstairs so had a bit of a drama with them both inconsolable).

Thankyou for all the help. I will have a think again today about what may help and speak to caf advisor on Monday and see what else she can help with, I will ask her to speak to gp about transport scheme as I can't seem to get through to anybody.

We are in nw London so not sure if I'm near any of the people who asked, will pm later on when I get a minute. Not that near to central middx hospital but do occasionally get given appts there (bit of a pain as that's always the most expensive taxi fare) but usually we go to the more local hospital which is a bit easier.

The car although expensive was we thought a better option than motability as dh has to drive to work and we didn't want to be using it for the wrong thing. Evenings a nd weekends though it is used solely for dcs and is good as we can fit everything in that we need.

When dd was first ill I wanted dh to give up work, I couldn't cope and wanted him with me as it was too much. We checked and were told that as two of the dcs received higher rate dla we would both be allowed to not work as we would be classed as carers and could get income support etc. it would be easier, dh could drop dcs to school, take us to appts, help with everything, my life would be a huge amount less stressful.

Dh point blank refused to do this he said he has to work for his own sanity and does not want to be around kids all day. He said the dcs need to see somebody going out to work each day or they will think that when they are older they won't have to work ( dh has eds as well and dislocates joints daily) .

Initially he changed his hours from a 7 am start to 9 am and said he would always finish early at 430 pm to get back earlier to help me. He stopped doing this quite soon after, he still gets in for 9 ish but never leaves early and sometimes is still a t work at 630 or 7. This does annoy me as it was it what we had arranged at all and the end of the day is often quite difficult.

Even if dh did agree to give up I do think I would worry as at some point benefits would change and we may be told one of us had to go to work again, at which point dh may have been out of work for a while and could struggle to find another job ( he has no qualifications and works in just one trade) so it could be a problem.

Op, if you start dictating to an adult what he can and can't do then that will breed resentment and is not good for a healthy relationship. Then where will you be?

It would be quite interesting to look at what the the finances would be if DH were removed from the equation. Question then is whether OP could buy in better services for less than he costs.

Have you actually RTFT Spotty?

Morning Hedgehog. 15 minutes respite today! Yippee.

You keep saying how busy it will be for you but then you do have people that can come round and help so don't be a martyr and do it.

It doesn't matter if they can't help with the bf or the injections. You can handle those things and let them help with the rest.

No offence as it all sounds very hectic and busy I know but it just sound like you are trying to pile on more excuses to not let DH go out.

I know from seeing it before trust me, 'keeping' him locked in the house will not end well for your relationship. You both need space to go out and be your own people and have a break.

How old is the baby being breastfed as to be honest u sound like u might be going a bit stir crazy and could do with a break yourself?

Is there anyway you could express soon and move baby to bottles of your milk too? This would at least give u the opportunity to let other people feed and you can have a few hours off once in a while!

I have read your threads before. Your situation is very difficult. We all hope that when we need it, our family members will be there for us. In your case, they chose not to be and there is no way to make them.

In the grand scheme of things, whether or not your H goes to the stag do will make little difference as it is my feeling (as it is on all your threads) you need outside, probably paid for help. There has been much discussion about how much money you get, what it is spent on etc and I appreciate that you have bills, rising costs just the same as we all do. I don't want to go down the road of saying you should this money on that however this is the only way I can see of making any real improvement to your everyday lives which is what you need.

Look into childcare students and any help from lovely Mnetters but longer term, as hopefully your financial situation will improve and things like car loan get paid off, car insurance gets cheaper, pay for outside help.

Morning Hedgehog . How are you doing? I could only skim your thread because some of the comments by horrendous posters were making my blood boil. Your husband is a drain on your family - practically and financially. I can understand exactly why you posted in your OP about the night out. I don't think you should agree to a single thing that allows him to shirk responsibility any further. Not one more thing. He is a complete piss take and your empathy is wasted on him. A stag night is neither here nor there. He has responsibilities. The circumstances in your family are exceptional. All time off/nights out etc should be apportioned to you from now on. I don't want to subject you to further interrogation about finances, but I am wondering why your husband's motoring costs are so ridiculously excessive - apologies if you have explained that already and I missed it. He is a drain on your family. I hope you enjoy your very short breather today x

Which people can come around bubalou? Have you RTFT?
Enabling this H to continue being a piss taking manchild isn't an option.

Sorry op, just read some more of the posts and this does sound horrendous.

Your youngest is 1 now so why not give yourself a break and start moving over to bottle? You have so much going on and you definitely need some sort of care help but why not try and make like easier for yourself. The little one is old enough now they have had a whole year of bf and like you said they feed constantly. Babies feed less often when they are on the bottle and it will give you the chance to take some time off from being a non stop feeding machine.

With ds I expressed (couldn't bf due to tongue tie) and he had baby milk and he had my milk from the bottle.

You both need space to go out and be your own people and have a break.

I just had to laugh. Please go to OP's house and explain the "both" part to OP's husband, will you?

I think Spotty is spot on about dictating to another adult.

Only it's the husband here who's dictating

I'll have a holiday, you won't and will have to take care o the children for me, alone, while I'm away

I'll go on a stag do. You will do it alone.

I have to go to work or I'll go mad. You have to have sole care of the children with no car or driving license during the day.

No wonder there's resentment!

I will get nearly a whole hour today-got up early when everybody else was still asleep and did the housework then so won't need to do. It at 10. Planning on doing as little as possible for that hour.

We keep trying ds2 with other milk aptamil pepti and soya 1plus and koko as he has cmp intolerance but so far he's resisting. Will keep on though as that would help

You must stop asking her - she will always let you down. Factor her out of the equation, it only adds to your stress.

There are people who will come and volunteer for you so you can have a bath , paint your toe nsils or just be a llistening ear.

My mum has three disabled boys so can really empathise with you. I apologise for comments I said firsthand when I thought you were busy being jealous and needy. Its far more than that.

I've read your threads under your previous nickname, and I'm just wondering whether you've tried posting over in Special Needs for advice on practical help and to check that you're getting everything you're entitled to?

It's also the case that not only is your DH not helping the situation, I'd go so far as to say that he's actively making it worse with his refusal to help and his utterly blinkered need for 'time off'.

I can understand why you may feel that leaving is not an option for you at present.

Hedgehog, I've not read your previous threads, so discount anything not relevant. Sorry in advance if it's all a bit jumbled.
You can't and shouldn't do it all alone.
Social services say that no one family (that's with two parents) can manage the needs of more than two children with additional needs.
Sounds like SS are not anywhere near providing what your family needs.
Have you had a carers assessment? have the children?
What package do you get?
You should get transport for your DD, I'm sure a risk assessment would support this.
I'm not sure if Family fund are still around, they can fund driving lessons and other stuff.
How supportive are the schools?
I don't think you should have to pay for care yourself.
Yes DLA should be spent to support the child's needs, but it's expensive bringing up children who have additional needs, not to mention stressful and a huge juggling act with all the appointments too.
You stand the real risk of burnout, you need support to be able to play the long game.
SS need to step up here, imagine the cost of full time care for your DC if you weren't able to manage.
I have three teenagers who have autism and other needs, they are all in special education. I have no extended family support.
I struggled when my DH was terminally ill for two years..
I still didn't get much support.
After he died and I got DX with a neuro disorder I made a level one complaint about SS and involved our local MP.
The speed in which SS acted was stunning,they were on the doorstep the very next day! suddenly our family were given as much support as we wanted/needed.
We now get 36 nights per year respite for my older two who are 19.
And 24 nights for my youngest who is 16.
We also have a considerable direct payment support package, this is in recognition of their actual needs.
I know when things are tough you don't always have the emotional reserves to fight for services, and you shouldn't have to.
Some of the posts have made me angry, please take no notice of them.
It's a lonely path you are treading, please don't do it alone.
If you think it would help please feel free to contact me.

The stag do is an indication things have to be done differently, it should be possible to both be able to go out for an evening here or there. There are a bunch of suggestions various posters have made upthread which IMO would save time/get more help. I also think the money is not being allocated optimally, seems the DH is being subsidised for non child related stuff.

Dh will be going, we've had a 'chat' but he won't be leaving till bedtime injection done and will return by 12 latest, and is not allowed to be so drunk that he can't help with dcs if need be.

That sounds like a very reasonable compromise. Well done.

For the short term.

Don't let the passing of the immediate crisis stop you from seeking more permanent solutions.

I'm glad you've reached a compromise, now start planning your own night out. Are there any local support groups or carers support groups. Hospitals sometime have them.
You are doing a great job in truely difficult circumstances. I hope you can access some support, I'm sure there are lots of people on MN me included that can help you write letters etc to obtain at least some of what you should be getting.

Just wanted to say that my heart breaks for you, hedgehog - you have an intolerable amount on your plate.

Some of the earlier comments on this thread were so cruel and unhelpful - I am so sorry you were forced to explain yourself. It was quite unnecessary.

All the best to you.