Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

we're talking about 4.5kpm ie. 50kpa of benefits supposed to go to those children's needs (and wages and carer's allowance for rent and bills etc) and not one single hour of care being paid for whilst the OP does 24/7 caring. it's not a cash shortage but something going seriously wrong.

the money matters because it's what can help this situation - if it's used for what it is there for in an effective, efficient way the OPs life can improve.

Start putting abit of money aside each week,even if its a few quid,get your H to book a week off work and do one of those week long driving courses and get your test passed.This will change your life.I would "let" him go on this stag do...brace yourself,and get through the night.I KNOW you can do it you need some confidence,just think of what you have dealt with so far.I think your amazing.Show him just how amazing YOU are,I hope he's ashamed of himself.Personally I would get rid but I understand the thought of dealing with everything alone must be terrifying.

Doesn't sound likely, I admit that, but that is unacceptable, and I am really struggling to see what the point of this man is.
Perhaps someone can point it out?

I understand he is the only other person apart from OP who can deal with the DC, but he only appears to do so when he wants to, other times when OP really needs him, he wants to disappear off out. He works all day so is not there during the day.

I'm not suggesting LTB this evening, but I think it would benefit OP to be pro active, leave him with the DC once or twice a week to take driving lessons (surely he wouldn't abandon the DC if OP went out and left him with them?) and attempt to source other forms of support who can be relied upon to give OP a much needed break. Surely there must be at least one other person on the planet who can be taught to administer the care OP's DC's need on a short term basis, perhaps for one evening or a weekend? I'm suggesting OP sources this support and uses it if at all possible, instead of continually relying on a DH who is a bit fair weather wrt his responsibilities towards his DC.

Tinkertaylor

You and me both. Which is why I was so horrified when you thought I'd actually even ask!

Ginwitch We really need to swap usernames.

Or maybe you are just an expert in being PA?

Had a grant for driving lessons, tried my best was three years ago now, struggled with childcare but passed theory but was anxious and never got to test standard. Ironically would get worried then get a migraine which affected my vision so had to cancel loads of lessons. It was horrible

My gp has a patient transport scheme run by volunteers, for a month now I have phoned the number daily and leave messages but they have not returned my calls! If they do it might mean trips to gp and local hospital covered.

Littlemiss

Shhhhh

Oh hedgehog would you consider doing lessons again? Sorry to focus on them but it would give you a bit more independence.

Oh OP that's bloody awful about the patient transport scheme, that would be so helpful for you. Does anyone know who OP could contact to get stuff moving with that? GP? HV?

OP, You have almost certainly spent many hours and days ruminating over this situation. You have reached out for support (patient transport team, asking other relatives for support etc.)

What do you think would resolve some of your issues?
What would help you?

I cant even believe her financial status is now being picked over also

MN is so aggressive tonight!

and for op and every one that's supported her and sorry again ginwitch for thinking you were a nosy nasty bitch when actually you were a nice and lovely ginwitch

Ok so the OP spends the DLA on a carer.
How does she then get the kids to hospital?
How does she meet the increase in utilities? (£59.75 plus IS won't meet the added cost of more heat, electric and water as well as food). How does she replace white goods that pack ip faster due to increased laundry? How does she buy continence products if needed? How does she fund special diets for their allergies?

How does she fund any therapies that have been laid off by NHS (here if they can walk AT ALL no matter how badly they get discharged from physio)? How does she top up her DC's school funds (which I'm appalled the local authority don't meet)?

Long term I think I need to be able to drive, that would make a huge difference but again it comes down to finances and childcare, and my anxiety issues as I was absolutely dreadful.

Short term I need to have somebody else who can look after dd, I fail to see why DM, mil and sil refuse to do it. DM is a first aider and sil works in a school where there are diabetic children so she knows the basics but is choosing not to help us. I know they don't have to but it would be so helpful to have just one other person who could look after dd 2.

Op when you have time please look at the suggestions I made, and the link on transport.

I appreciate this is moving quickly.

Bloody hell, I've read your earlier posts about his money nonsense.

I'd be wiped out if I were you. I really, really think you need regular help. I think you need to prioritise getting help over his feelings. I would. I'd be quite hard and ruthless about it.

On the specific topic - of course he can go out, if he's arranged cover for himself. The responsibility to enable his going out lies with him, not you.

Otherwise, it is just one more night. You had ten when he was on holiday. You can do it. It's crap, you'll be exhausted. This night isn't the issue.

Gobby - the la won't pay for a private school unless the dd was statemented and no academy or maintained school could meet her needs. It would be very unusual for them to do this.

I could ask I suppose about a childcare trainee as there is a local college nearby that does childcare courses. Worth a try. Thankyou.

Nerd sadly I'm well aware of that

It sucks that your M, MIL and SIL won't help. But they won't and you can't change that. So take them out of the equation. Who else might help?

Didn't mean now op! Meant when you had a minute to reread!
Gobby, wasn't sure.

Local childcare student. Good plan.

Friends? I would be willing to get trained in diabetic injections/management for a close friend.

We have a local centre that does holiday/Saturday clubs for kids with disabilities - we get helpers from there sometimes. Any good for you?

There is quite literally nobody else, df lives hours away as does db. Rest of family overseas.

No real friends, know people through dcs but nobody who could help. Everybody works and its so difficult. If I want help I would have to pay for it.

Mil lives just five mins away she refuses to help, today for example had an appt and boiler repair was meant to be done. Mil would not help by waiting in for repair men as she said her back and heart conditions were too bad.

Few hours later she's on the phone to dh from the pub where she's having a great time, and we still have no heating or hot water.

MIL is never going to be who you want her to be. SIL too. You need to let go of that x