Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

As Cinnabar suggested, why not both work part-time?

They are his children too. You didn't choose to have high demand children anymore than he did.
Why does he get respite and you don't?

And your break is with a child and you use it to get things done at home. That is not a break. :(

I bet he wouldn't stay a whole night with the children by himself.

Really, I do look forward to it, dd1 is asleep and I put tv on for dd2, I have 45 mins getting bits done which is quite relaxing with no screaming baby attached to me then I have a cup of tea and get to sit down till dh brings them both back. It really does feel like a break and I find myself really looking forward to it.

As soon as dh shuts the door I feel better, not least because ds2 always wants to be held and he's so heavy my arms ache its nice to have them free.

I do agree with Numpty that you really don't seem to want advice from MN at all - not sure why you posted, TBH. Lots of posters have made really helpful suggestions but all you seem to want is affirmation that your DH shouldn't go.

Is it the case that neither you nor your DH can ever go out? That the two of you must be in the house, together, with all four children every evening until they grow up and leave home? Because that seems a pretty bleak prospect. I think this stag do is the least of your worries.

It's one night. I think you could cope for one night. But you'd have to want to try, and you don't seem to.

That's not the case, I had mentioned db wife, who may help as she's a nurse but I'm not 100% as she's pregnant.

Also contemplating if a carer is an option for an evening so not adverse to any suggestions.

Would be a hell of a lot easier if mil or sil could help but they won't.

And that's the point. A cup of tea and a sit down for 15 minutes. That's not something you should be looking forward to. It should be a given, every single day. And I bet my bottom dollar that your DH gets to do this during his working day.

Think my original analysis was correct;

"You can't let or not let dh go anywhere. He's an adult who can make his own decisions.

Being jealous that he is less burdened by children than you is not reasonable in itself but it is reasonable to expect him to be shouldering an equal or near equal burden for the children you have together so think your frustration is more accurately that he's not sharing the burden and you are over burdened rather than jealous.

I think if you are so overburdened then he shouldn't be wanting to further dump on you. My stbxh similarly went to a stag weekend while I was heavily pregnant with twins with two other dc aged 2 and 3 and I never forgave him for it. I was struggling and he went to work then texted to say he wouldn't be back all weekend so as to avoid me telling him he couldn't go. Was not the going so much as the total disrespect and disregard of my feelings/needs that killed me off."

please stop calling it jealousy. It isn't jealousy to feel you are entitled to expect your partner and father of the dc to share the burden equally.

I think this stag do is the least of your worries.

I think that's abundantly clear.

Does it really come as so much of a surprise to you that the OP's struggling here?

There are some complete and utter bullying arseholes on this thread.

Yes it is possible to have multiple disabled children without realising, we as two working parents wanted four kids close together so I could return to work when they started school.

I now have three disabled kids, one died. Neither of us work, we can't.

The DLA in no way could pay for their care. Ours pays for therapies now the NHS have cut them. Continence products as what the NHS supplies isn't enough. Four hours a week respite as social services only supplied two hours when we were on the brink of divorce from the strain. It pays for the extra laundry caused by smearing and toilet accidents and repairs to the stuff that's always getting broken.

That's with a supportive DH, the OP doesn't even have that. When is she getting her 10 day holiday, hobbies? WHY couldn't he man up enough to enable the OP to go on the hen?

Oh and if you're sneering at my 'lifestyle choices' fuck right off.

Why won't MIL help?
If you get the support you need OP and you gain some independence as right now you have none, the jealousy or whatever you want to call it will go I'm pretty sure. Your DH seems to be coasting while you bear the brunt of this.

So what he wants to go to work because it's easier. He has babies and children to care for too.

I think the suggestion of part time for you both is excellent.

Once your debts are paid off, might you be able to pay for a carer? (Don't feel you have to answer on this thread - I'm trying to get a sense of whether there's light at the end of the tunnel.)

Mil unfortunately is a horrible lazy nasty woman.

For 2 years when dd1 was born she made my life hell, constantly coming round to threaten me and tried to take me to court over dd and her rights to see her. Then she 'borrowed' money off dh and never repaid which is why he now has no control over finances.

She is constantly rude about how I deal with dcs illnesses and once told me it was my fault they were so ill as I'd obviously given too much calpol and nurofen.
She won't look after them as said its too much hard work and doesn't want to be involved in case they dislocate etc.

She ruined my wedding day by getting drunk and shouting that I thought I was better than her and did dh think he wasn't common anymore as he'd married me ???

She text me when dd2 was in hospital as she was angry and worried dh wasn't eating sleeping properly etc but never once asked how dd was.

I could go on.....

Gobby, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Perhaps OP feels a bit better for writing it all down sometimes, I know I would.
It must be so hard to fight for change when your life is so relentless. No chance to get a bit of peace and a think.

Hedgehog is a bloody saint. She has even kept her cool on here.

HedgeHog I just want to scoop you up in a massive unmumsnetty hug, that is a lot to deal with, too much for one person to deal with. All the posters quizzing her about why she chose to have more children knowing there were genetic disorders - you should be fucking ashamed of yourselves. Diabetes, HMS, EDS, regularly genetically tested for during pregnancy? Course not. Is it a given that if one child has EDS all the rest will? Nope. I have a parent with EDS. I have hypermobility syndrome, my other siblings don't. How could the op predict all of this?

As for "all kids wake up in the night" (numpty, possibly?) Yep, being sleep deprived for the first few months with a new baby - normal. Years and years of not just night wakings but waking up with dislocations ffs, needing injections, being too in pain to sleep.. not really the same is it?

Numpty I get that you may be trying to give the op tough love to spur her to sort things out, but doing it with no understanding of what you're criticising her about is counter-productive to say the least. I think we've all established that this "jealousy" over the stag do isn't even on the radar here, time to let that go.

Oh and LePolarBear Go on then, what do you suggest? Try dealing with sleepless nights, exhausting days, long-term ill children then come up with a solution. Easy, isn't it?

OP, You and your DH must have an awful lot of debt if you cannot afford any care at all for your DC anytime at all.

Even a couple who didn't work with 4 disabled DC would be receiving almost £1K a week. That's a lot of food and taxi's.
Or a lot of debt.

It seems almost distasteful to be spending the best part of £1K a week meant to support your disabled DC on debt that was caused by a fully grown man being bad with money.

I'm not trying to be inflammatory, but DLA is to support your DC, not your MIL. I appreciate you have said that is no longer the case, but isn't that where part of the debt originates from? Bailing out your MIL? Now, to get back on the straight and narrow, you have no choice but to use the DLA to pay off debts that your DH caused.

Just based on that alone, no he shouldn't be going on any bloody stag do or holidays imo, since you are going without a break because you can't afford any care on over £1K a week?? Really??

Why do you need this man so much? You sound like you are almost wholly responsible for the DC and their care as it is. How much difference would it make if he weren't there anymore? Would you be able to afford some help then?

What a lady. Right next option...! Going in what everyone is saying about banking the night. Would DH agree to a few hours to put in an appearance/making the effort and so on or is his 'need' to go to the stag party just a bullshit way of saying he wants to get hammered and party the night away. I'm guessing which on but in the name of fairness maybe this could work for you. You won't be anxious because you aren't restricting and or being unreasonable and preventing him from going and you won't be left alone with insufficient help for the night. If the babies wake up at ungodly hours 10-2 or whatever time you negotiate is adequate time to send off his prospective BIL and means he doesn't get to miss the party.

Littlemiss it's nowhere near £1k a week. Where did you get that figure from? Your backside?

It's not £1k per week though, is it? She's already explained that DD1 only gets lower rate DLA and that DS2 doesn't get anything at all until he's 3.

And it's not all going on debt repayments. Chunks are going on transport (taxis to medical appointments; I can see it's not possible to take kids with HMS on public transport; OP doesn't drive) and DD1's school fees.

It's not just debts caused by mil. Rent, c tax car payment (huge cost due to needing big car for buggies w chair etc) and car insurance (extortionate) all add up. Our shopping each week is a fortune tons of nappies and wipes, etc.

Cinnbar never mind that.
The pigshit ignorance round here about the OP's circs has given me the rage. How fucking DARE they?

Do they have the slightest idea what the OP is going through? I've hot an inkling but I have the advantage of a supportive husband and I so wish I could just DO something to help.

OP I understand, I just wish I could do more. When we got close to splitting I realised we couldn't - we were trapped by the kids' care needs. Fortunately with counselling it's fixed now but to feel that way...

Littlemiss

???

Sorry. After all these years you'd think I'd not be incredulous stuff the attitudes in here, but I am...

OP you really need your H to step up. Would counselling help do you think? He needs to realise that he needs to let go to enable you to have respite for your sake.

Taxis are a big cost, two weeks ago we had a bad week and taxi costs were as follows:

Mon: taxi to and from gp £13

Tues: am taxi to and from central middx hospital £46
Pm taxi to and from gp £13

Wed: nothing

Thurs: taxi to and from local hosp for physio appt £15

Fri: taxi to and from gp £13

Was a bad week as dd2 and ds2 had throat inf and had to see gp three times to get anti b.