Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

Forget the party. That is the least of the worries.

I understand why you are so upset. Everything has been dumped on you.

You are human too and need a break. I think dh is being a bit selfish because he just doesn't want to deal with the donkey work of taking care of 4 sick little ones. He can go to work and escape from all of it. You can't.
He really took a 10 day holiday and left you there to deal with the kids by yourself?

Is it possible at all to get any type of public help to come in and help with the kids a day or two a week? You really do need a break.

Gobby I am with you here. It's beyond fucking awful that the op has had to go into details of all the kids' illness, her DLA payments to get people to understand that she isn't being "a bit hormonal"/controlling, that she is at the end of her tether.

I would love to round up all those idiots saying "it's just one night, why can't you cope?" and make them live op's life for a week, then see how they cope being left alone for a night with it all.

Sleep deprivation, stress, anxiety, depression - ANY of those can rob you of the ability to think straight, to see a way out, to know how to cope, let alone all of them at once. Some people need to learn some empathy (or at least rtft!)

"It's just one night.." I have actually never been so angry at a mumsnet thread in my life.

Hedgehog darling please don't feel you need to justify yourself to this lot.

If you know you use their DLA appropriately that's enough it really is.

If they're willfully ignorant that's their issue x

He begged to go on the holiday, I said yes as we have had the year from hell and he was desperate to go.

It was a nightmare, mil and sil had promised to help everyday, they didn't and only have us a lift on one of the days to dcs hosp appt but made me pay for the petrol

I stayed at DM and although I had the luxury of an extra pair of hands, DM can't do inj etc and dcs are not that used to her so we had tears at bedtime etc and it was exhausting

If I mention the holiday dh said I shouldn't as he's tired again so it "doesn't count as a break anymore its in the past"

Tired as an illustration. I have three disabled kids and get the max respite available in our area - 2 hours a week.

The OP really won't get much more than that.

I don't mind saying, if I avoid the questions it wouldn't give the full picture I suppose.

Have no rl support or input so I suppose its the price I pay, having to answer a few intrusive questions for some advice.

You definitely need counselling. You need someone outside your situation to show him what he is doing to you.

Of course it counts. What would happen if you begged for a holiday? He'd refuse.

How come he gets a holiday and you don't?

Out of my backside? I was going on a couple who did not work and who had 4 disabled DC. I assume that by her DH working, they are slightly better off than that.

DC1 - £74 HRM + £74 HRC + £122 CTC + £20.30 CB = £290.30
DC2 - £74 HRM + £74 HRC + £122 CTC + £13.40 CB = £283.40
DC3 - £21 LRM + £21 LRC + £62 CTC + £13.40 CB = £117.40
DC4 - £53? MRC + £122 CTC + £13.40 CB = £188.40
OP+DH -£59.75 CA x 2 (In case of 2 adults NOT WORKING)=£119.50
Income Support (in the case of 2 adults NOT WORKING) = £35.00?

Grand total excluding any council tax support or housing benefit = £1034

I have used a couple who are both caring for their disabled DC full time as this surely must be the minimum amount they are receiving in total. Surely the OP must be better off than this if her DH is working, so this is a worst case scenario financially.

I'll say it again, that is a lot of taxi's and food, or a lot of debt.

I do not tend to talk out of my arse.

The 10 day holiday doesn't count anymore?

OK, now I have the rage, good and proper.

What a cunt he is.

Has he apologised to DD1 yet?

Okay.
Thinking about this, can you find out about free transport rather than taxis for pre arranged appointments?
Can you ask about short breaks?
Can you ask for a carers assessment?
Can you ask for a debt payment plan?
Can you ask at the local college for a child care trainee who could come for work experience and at least hold the baby/ change nappies/ entertain the baby?

Good god op! I stated the thread thinking "let"?! And being all cross about you stopping him going out.

Now I want to grab him and give him a bloody good shake.

His 10 day break is "in the past".

Fuck that.

I wish I could think of something positive to say. But am speechless.

It really isn't Hedgehog. They should appreciate the challenges of your situation without needing to know your intimate financial business. It's not relevant.

The bare bones are you need help. Your H (I can't use D) is actively blocking that by preventing others being medically trained and preventing respite.

Not good enough. He either mans up and allows those things OR you get to go away on holiday, have a hobby yourself where he has to have the kids whilst you go out.

Little miss is right with the calculations . Although a car would use up one lot of HRM. Op are you getting the correct amount of tax credits you are entitled too?

Those DLA rates are incorrect for a start.

You don't have to justify anything to us. Not one thing.

I avoided this thread since I posted, because I knew it would be horrible.

Your problem is your husband. Not your kids, or your life or anything else. He's a shit.

All things being equal, the whole 'let him' thing would have been awful but for fucks sake he is a piss taking arse.

It always strikes me that if you flicked off and failed to parent your DC, you'd be arrested and charged with neglect. But somehow these creatures we call men manage to swing it so they can abdicate all parenting and get away Scott free.

A lot of bills and we get no hb or ctb so pay our full rent etc.

Car insurance is 280 a month, loan payment for car 498 a month, we have dds school fees utility bills etc etc just lots of bills. Petrol costs a lot of as dh works over an hour away.

We don't go out, have any expensive hobbies, ds goes to a club and ds2 a toddler group, so that's a small expense. Debts from mil ae nearly gone, mostly catalogue bills approx 250 a month, will be paid up in four months. Dd school fees are a but but not huge amount.

Please, please don't feel you need to start posting details from your bank account. You really don't.

I think the OP would be better off trying to source other support for herself and her DC, because it doesn't appear to me that her DH is particularly supportive, he's rubbish with money, to the point that he bails out his mother and in the process, got OP into debt, a stress I imagine OP could do without.
He swans off when it suits him regardless of how OP will or will not cope.

I can't see how OP is getting much support from him, and OP and her DC are financially mopping up where he has been bailing out his mother.

Why can't anyone else see how distasteful this is?

He did apologise in the end, not soon enough though.

Car is not a motability car as dh needed it for work during week so it wouldn't 'just' be for dcs.

I can. I also know how kids with needs trap you.

Why can't H get a job nearer home? That could be an hour per day off his commuting time that he could use to give you a proper break.

Hedgehog, would you mind in fact just sending us a copy of your latest statement. Then we can see if littlemiss is correct?!?!?!

Anyway upon a little research this may help:

www.families-first.org.uk/

The can refer you wherever you need to go.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/1079.aspx?CategoryID=68&SubCategoryID=154

About transport. Think gp or consultant needs to refer you.