Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

Didn't you post this before? Under another topic?

You really can't tell another adult that they cannot go out - if it was switched, you wouldn't accept it.

However you should share with him your concerns and ask for some sort of compromise. Maybe ask him not to get too drunk, to keep in contact with you through the night so you know where he is and ask for him to help with your DS's party and bedtime for all children before he leaves.

Could you ask a friend or relative to stay the night so you have help on hand.

Unless your OH has form for misbehaving when out with friends, you are being unreasonable.

Oh you are going to get a pasting.

1. It's one night, presumably he isn';t out gallivanting every weekend? You can and will cope.

2. Unless your DH is a cheat, this is your issue for you to deal with and not something you can clobber him with.

3. I take it the party is in the daytime and the stag do in the evening? This is not a problem.

You could approach this like an adult and give him your reasons, but he wouldn't be unreasonable to go.

Let him?

No, have not posted this before.

I really dislike when people say to let Dp go or not. He is an adult you cannot stop him. He can make his own decisions.

Saying that, reason 1 and 3 are both valid reasons for him not to go. Only thing you can do is talk to him about how you feel. With the party on, you may need a bit more help that evening.

Any way he could help with bedtimes then go out? Or could someone else come help you?

I don't think it can come down to whether you 'let' him or not, how would you feel if he tried to tell you what you could or couldn't do? If that were me, I would ask a friend or my mum to come round and help with the kids. You say you feel jealous, has he done anything to warrant that, i.e cheated in the past? If not, I don't think you should let that influence what he can or can't do.

"Let"?????

Let him go. So insecure. Give the man some space and let him have some fun. You sound pitiful.

Xposts, sorry!

You can't "let" a grown person do anything.

You can explain why you would rather he didn't go and that is really it.

Really ? If my oh told me I couldn't go out, unless he had a very good reason, I'd go mental.

How about a compromise - he goes out when the kids are down ?

You can't let or not let dh go anywhere. He's an adult who can make his own decisions.

Being jealous that he is less burdened by children than you is not reasonable in itself but it is reasonable to expect him to be shouldering an equal or near equal burden for the children you have together so think your frustration is more accurately that he's not sharing the burden and you are over burdened rather than jealousy.

I think if you are so overburdened then he shouldn't be wanting to further dump on you. My stbxh similarly went to a stag weekend while I was heavily pregnant with twins with two other dc aged 2 and 3 and I never forgave him for it. I was struggling and he went to work then texted to say he wouldn't be back all weekend so as to avoid me telling him he couldn't go. Was not the going so much as the total disrespect and disregard of my feelings/needs that killed me off.

Its a stag night not just a random night down the pub.

I understand some of the issues, but are you saying that with 4 young children neither of you can go out alone in the evening?

Or is it about him getting drunk and not being able to help the next day?

Or is it about him being out drunk and not being trusted?

Or something else?

It's probably a combination of things but I think you need to be clear about what you are concerned about. If it is about you being tired and overwhelmed then can you get some help / support for the evening? If it's about not trusting him out on a stag do then it's a different issue.

Currently only dh and I can do dd2s medicines we usually have a system where he does dds injection and gets her to sleep etc and I bf youngest and if either of older dcs are unwell we just see who can help. On my own I'm not sure it'll work.

Ds party ends at 330pm but things are always massively hectic at home and dh will be getting ready to go out, it just seems like it'll be a nightmare.

It's dh sister getting married, I was invited to her hen party and couldn't go as dcs were ill and dh had a chest infection and couldn't cope alone, he's saying he has to go to the stag. I've tried to say as we are going to the actual wedding surely that's enough but he says not.

He told me to go and stay at my mums but she hasn't really got the room and she cannot really help much as she can't bf ds or do dds injection or checks so it wouldn't actually make a difference!

He's never cheated, as far as I know.

I am just horrendously jealous. There's no excuse for it and I can't deny it I just am a terribly jealous and insecure person. It is horrible but its the truth and one of the reasons why I don't want him to go

If you couldn't go to the hen then I would be the same.

Although I don't see why he can't do all the bedtime thing before he goes and meets them somewhere. As you could have done.

It's not just a case of get them to sleep as they do t stay asleep, all wake up due to health issues and youngest just wakes up and cries so they don't sleep through.

I'm thinking that it's he main reason and therefore you should address that. You can't ban somebody from going out because you have issues.

Main issue is not coping with dcs

Jealousy second

Ds party and hectic day third

Well coping with the kids there are ways and means to sort that out. A friend or family member perhaps.

Your insecurity and jealousy are your issues and should never be used as a reason to control what somebody else does.

The party might be hectic but your bloke still might have the energy to go out.

If he hadn't have stopped you going out then I would say you were being unreasonable but he can't say he can't cope and expect you too.

If he sorts out help and every base is covered to make your life easier.. would you be happy for him to go?

All sounds a bit of an imbalance to me. Are you getting the support from him you need because if not this can be a major factor as far as the jealousy issues go. I'd go as far as to say it's not quite jealously more envy and frustration maybe? It's often harder for the woman I think as breast feeding hormones are potent. Not blaming hormones per se but they can shift focus a bit.

If it were me I'd want him putting everything aside but that's because I'm self centred (and want our family to come first)

Hope you're not feeling too overwhelmed right now OP.

He doesn't need to go to the stag, he wants to. Wanting to do something is fine, pouting like a child saying he needs to is not.

Stags go on until the early hours usually so he should have no problem assisting you with the bedtime routine before heading out. Quick shower and change and he can join the party later.

If he wont compromise, then quite frankly I understand why you are jealous. I would resent someone leaving me to do all the donkey work while they partied until the wee small hours, especially as you missed out on the hen due to family commitments.

Does he usually pull his weight or are you always left holding the baby?

I sympathise with you Hedgehog...sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. You are being honest with your husband about not being able to cope. What is his response?

Would he have been able to cope alone if you had gone out for the hen night? If you couldn't go because of his illness and he can't go because you don't think you will cope alone with the children then neither going is the fair compromise surely?