Let dh go out or not?

[Edenviolet]

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.

1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc

1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

Thinking here, if you write off any kind of downstairs grown up time you can all be in pjs, cot ready for baby to be dumped into as and when another dc needs you?

If you can manage without help, it might be a really good experience for you?

When dh was ill recently and in bed I tried to deal with all four and on all occasions dd crying or another dc waking woke up ds2 who screamed in the cot while I sorted them out. It's so stressful.

The stupid thing isi want dh to be happy and if I could I would say to him to go and have fun, yes, I'd be jealous and phone him and probably quiz him on his return but I would let him.

I just never seem to manage, unless I grow extra arms I can't do it all.

But he should be the one making sure his wife will be able to take care of the children. That all won't be too much for her and that the children won't suffer for the lack of support.

I'd be asking him what he is putting in place to ensure all that. Even if he has to hire a baby sitter just in case.

you don't respond to ANY of the suggestions or solutions. you don't want a solution or a compromise - you don't respond to what if he goes out later, what if you agree a time to get back, what if you agree that he'll stay sober enough to come home if urgently needed etc. you just don't want him to go and want your own way so nothing else goes in.

i have every sympathy for having sick children etc but none for your utter lack of..... bigger picture. you say 'i feel it is unnecessary' 'it will make things hard for me' etc. there's no acknowledgment that this is actually a pretty big deal to be able to go out and have a few drinks to celebrate the fact his sister is going to get married.

ok you have to give an injection and you have to breastfeed - there may be a bit of juggling for ONE evening.

i appreciate it's harder when a child has health issues but people everywhere will be coping with putting their children to bed tonight - many people will be coping with sick children on their own for a night - some people will be doing every night for years.

you have to give an injection and breastfeed and you may have to get up in the night IF a child is ill. it really isn't the end of the world. i can't speak for the bigger picture - only what you're asking about.

honestly if you are this overwhelmed and catastrophic over one evening taking care of your children i think you really need to get some help for your mental health. you are blowing this up into the hugest thing ever when it's actually a few hours of struggling and being pulled in lots of directions (as i'm guessing any mother of four young children is when any of them are ill). as in a few hours! you can do this. if you can't then as i say you really need to go see your doctor.

Is he never allowed to go out? Aren't you? It is normal to have to juggle multiple childrens needs at once,you just have to cope with it.

I have explained that its not as clear cut as get dcs to bed and then that's it. They do NOT sleep through, its a constant round of one waking after the other. So if dh left the minute ds is fed and dd2 injected he could shut the door and ds could wake up the dd1 could dislocate, any number of things could happen. There is not one night that all dcs sleep through.

Yes, iam overwhelmed. I have sought help and have been on antidepressants for a few weeks now and having counselling.

My thoughts too, numpty. It will be hard but it is only for 1 evening and will be good for both to have achieved it.

i know everyone will hate me but if you can't cope with juggling kids, including when they're ill (even if there are no health conditions kids get ill periodically) then you don't have four kids. it's not rocket science that if you continue having kids you're continuing to create more demands and stress and you have to weigh up what you can and cannot cope with.

i have one child and despite having had times of longing for more i haven't through knowing my limitations and what i can cope with given my health issues, my temperament, my finances, etc. nothing you can do about it now (other than owning the responsibilities you created and not acting like you just can't understand how it happened) but i sincerely hope you are not planning on any more and are actively making sure you don't get pregnant again.

Dh does go out, he had a holiday in the summer and very occasionally has a day fishing. He has been out to watch the football with his dad once this year too.

yes we get that OP - we've all had kids who didn't sleep through! what normally happens when the kids don't sleep through - does dh get up and deal with them or do you? how is it especially different and can not the difference be managed for one evening???

Have you read the thread? I explained earlier that we did not know initially that all would be ill and when dd2 got ill (she has other non genetic problems, type 1 diabetes and bowel problems) ds2 was already here. What was I meant to do, send some of them back ffs?

Can MIL not come over for the evening? That way you have reassurance across the board I suppose? Even if she doesn't do a thing with the kids maybe she could do practical house things while you deal with bedtime? Also ask him if he doesn't mind coming back at a time that you agree and that's he is available at all times should you need him to come back. His mother will be there so you should be fine?

You do sound completely overwhelmed which is making it hard to see a way through.

Can you go back to the gp and see what help is available. Also have you looked into getting a care agency involved? I know it's not free, but may help.

Is there any way you can work on the sleeping issues and get the dc to sleep better? What does the gp say about their sleep problems?

The OP is getting help for her depression, Numpty, so very kind of you to be so sympathetic .

OP, your situation is so far outside the norm that you're not going to get sensible replies to your thread without explaining the background. People are simply unable to grasp that this isn't about juggling four children for one evening - it's about coping with 4 chronically ill children, all of whom live with permanent pain and at least two of whom have additional medical needs, so that they wake many times per night every night.

My love, you really do need to find more support. Not for this one evening, but on a permanent basis.

I seem to recall that your mother cares for your profoundly epileptic sister, so she's already stretched. Would your in-laws really not help their own son if your DH asked directly?

I appreciate some kids just don't sleep through. They wake up. They DON'T however wake up with dislocated joints, screaming in pain, throwing up with a migraine or having a life threatening hypoglycaemic attack.

Slightly different to just not sleeping through.

Mil won't ever help or sil.

Yes my DM can't/won't help and dsis is unwell.

Care agency might be the only way forward.

Once her DCs waken in the night, their chronic pain stops them being able to get back to sleep.

Of course she's fucking overwhelmed.

Wow some people are harsh! Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and all that.

Woah Numpty.
Can DH ask her to help, he should be organising cover if he wants to go out under the circumstances.

Swearing at me isn't helping anyone!

I think it would be good to contact a care agency and see what help can be offered. Your gp or local ss should be able to point you in the right direction. Care can then be suited to your own needs, personally for your family, and will help you to see a way through.
How old are your dc and are they likely to improve on their conditions or will they change at all as they grow up?

Actually dd1 was ok till she was 3 then was quite unwell but we didn't know it was genetic, had ds1 and he got ill at 2. It was a bit difficult but manageable. Had genetic testing after dd2 was born.

Had ds2 knowing he would have the genetic condition but when he was 7 months dd2 got very, very ill. THAT was the tipping point coinciding with dd1 worsening quite considerably.