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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Let dh go out or not?

350 replies

Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 15:25

Dh wants to go to a stag party. I don't want him to go because

  1. We have four dcs and I will struggle to look after them all myself all evening/ night. They have health issues and youngest still bf.
  1. I get really jealous and hate the thought of dh drunk which he will be, out all night etc
  1. It's same day as ds party so will be a hectic day anyway.

How do i approach this and not cause an argument?

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 06/12/2013 17:46

Do you have friends or family who can help out that evening? It's just one evening in the grand scheme of things, and if you coped for 10 days alone couldn't you manage for one night (preferably with some help)?

It does seem as though your jealousy is clouding your view a bit. If my DH ever told me he wouldn't let me go somewhere, I would be apoplectic with rage. It isn't up to you to decide where he can go.

I do think it would be only fair for you to have as much time off as him, though!

Bitofkipper · 06/12/2013 17:48

I remember your other threads OP.
I think that you are getting a hard time because people are not getting the bigger picture. In spite of money problems your H went off on holiday for 10 days. If I remember correctly he is an arse and LTB isn't an option for you.
So sorry things are no better.
I (and most other posters) would struggle in your position.

MudCity · 06/12/2013 17:49

Sorry you have had a hard time on here.

IMO the care of the children has to come first. If it is going to be very difficult for you to manage alone then he should stay in...or alternatively, get all the children to bed and go out later.

That would be a reasonable compromise if all the child care is done.

MudCity · 06/12/2013 17:51

Agree with Bitofkipper.

I would definitely struggle.

Matildathecat · 06/12/2013 17:51

Here's what I would do. He's going, so firstly just accept it and put one in the bank for yourself at a later date.

Then, sell the idea of a special mummy bedtime to the kids. This will include the easiest possible tea and bedtime routine. Maybe picnic tea with a new DVD and chocolate buttons for the most nicely behaved children. Bugger the bath if that's tricky. DH can take them swimming the next day. Nice easy ready meal and a glass of wine for you. If you're a lovely smiley mummy they're a lot likely to be lovely smiley children.

Finish with their absolute favourite bedtime stories. If necessary let them fall asleep in pjs in front of the tv.

If they have dietary restrictions etc you can substitute your own ideas.

This kind of approach always worked well for me ie taking toddlers on the train for several hours.

You really do need to be able to do this on your own, I'm sure you can. So does he so get planningWink.

Changing your attitude to the whole thing will honestly make it 100 times easier.

As an aside have you considered claiming DLA for any of the dc if their needs are so great? Hope it goes well for all of you.

Ps I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him to be back by a certain time depending on what time he goes and how far it is.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 17:52

The 10 days were hell. Stayed at my mums. She was little or no help. Nearly killed me. Dcs were a nightmare.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 06/12/2013 17:55

Your story is actually very familiar, op. If you are who you think you are; didn't you consider having your dh give up work to help you with the children full time? Has he done this?
If it genuinely takes two of you, all the time, you have to be entitled to some sort of respite. Why don't you take it?

Bitofkipper · 06/12/2013 17:56

When do you get your holiday?

Never I suspect.

AnnabelleLee · 06/12/2013 17:58

Doesn't he work? Are you always together, 24/7? Surely you can manage your own children for a few hours, health problems or not?
If he gets them to sleep with you before he goes, they are hardly all going to wake up together and stay awake the whole evening/night. It can't be that frantic.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 17:59

We have been offered three hours a week respite from jan. dh still works. I'm a wreck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 17:59

They do wake up and cry and need settling or are ill

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 06/12/2013 18:03

Why won't he go once the children are at least fed, injected and put in bed?

Lweji · 06/12/2013 18:06

I think you have to put the ball on his court.
It's up to him to make sure his family are supported enough.
He should be arranging support for you to deal with the children, or leave the house when they are sorted out. Anything else is very selfish.

If he still goes, then I'd be fully justified in taking off with the youngest baby to a hotel or to a relative's or friend's house for the night.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/12/2013 18:09

OP are you the poster with the DH who keeps giving money to his mother and other family when you are utterly skint?

YANBU

scottishmummy · 06/12/2013 18:10

You do not grant an adult permission do go out,that's really unhealthy
Your jealousy is your issue,you need to address rather than use it to impose boundaries
Frankly if I was told if wasn't going out or when to be back I'd be clear in my no way response

LizzieVereker · 06/12/2013 18:10

I'm sorry, it sounds like an impossible situation at the moment, I do feel for you Thanks With regard to the stag do, I can see both sides to be honest, but I would be inclined to grit my teeth and agree to him going - on the understanding that he must not cop out next time you need a break.

I really hope you can take the respite care and get some more support very soon, you sound exhausted.

Nerfmother · 06/12/2013 18:12

Are the health needs if the dcs so great that no one could manage alone, or is it overwhelming for you personally, if you see what I mean? Because if it's a case of having even one child needing 24/7 attention that's a different battle or strategy to the case of you personally needing to find ways of coping?
Does that make sense?
So, in one case you would be fighting the la for more respite, applying for statements for the dcs and in the other you would be looking for better meds or therapy or support for you?

Bitofkipper · 06/12/2013 18:14

OP's husband does what he wants with or without her permission.

littlemisssarcastic · 06/12/2013 18:23

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time OP. It must be such a strain on you hoping your DH never gets ill or has an accident because he really needs to be there to cope with the DC's every night. Sad

I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I'd be worried as hell that my DH didn't get ill ever. Sad

Kahlua4me · 06/12/2013 18:25

Would it be possible to get someone to come over and help you for the eve.

I know they won't be able to do the meds and inj but they could hold the baby. You said the baby was fractious in the eve so someone could hold them and cuddle, surely they don't need feeding the whole time.

If you think your dh will eventually leave, which it sounds like you don't want, maybe use this situation to try to gain steps in the right direction.

Maybe let him go, but ask him to help get them all ready for bed first.cthen you may get some time off over the weekend which may help you too.

Have you thought of seeing how much an agency would be and maybe get them in to help for the eve if no family available.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 18:59

It doesn't help that mil has been texting asking is dh going and why am I trying to stop him. It makes me really annoyed and its not as if she's offering to help with dcs.

Don't think there's anybody I could ask to come round, I can just imagine it being the evening from hell and me ending up trying to juggle ds2, inject dd, get her to sleep and hope and pray none of other dcs is ill and count down the hours till dh gets home.

Either that or I just put my foot down and tell him he can't go.

OP posts:
Nerfmother · 06/12/2013 19:03

How likely is it that the others will be ill? What kind of ill? A and e or calpol?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 19:11

They often wake either in pain or with a subluxation/dislocation if they've slept awkwardly or turned over too quickly in their sleep, the joints pop back in 9 times out of 10 but they do hurt and swell. Then I have to give them painkillers. This happens a handful of times a week so its not a given it will happen that night but its likely. Sometimes dd1 shoulder is stubborn to pop back and she gets hysterical.

Ds 1 often wets the bed, dd2 does too ( goes through the pull ups sometimes meaning sheets need changing), dd sometimes has hypos in the night and she has a blood sugar check at 12 and 3,

The baby wants to be bf all evening and when he's asleep he's wriggly and a light sleeper, wakes and cries and takes ages to settle.

Ds1 gets migraines occasionally and that's a nightmare when it happens, he just wakes up being sick and a can't see out of one eye. Dd 1 has fainting episodes but not usually at night as ob she's asleep!

If it was just the jealousy thing, I'd just have to tell myself to not be stupid and be could go. It's a factor but not the main reason at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/12/2013 19:21

The only person I could think of that may help is db wife BUT she's pregnant and lives 1.5 hrs away. She's a nurse but our house is tiny so not sure where she could sleep as being pregnant probably needs rest and a comfy bed and we are pushed for space unless I slept on the sofa with ds2.

Would feel guilty asking her though.

OP posts:
Nerfmother · 06/12/2013 19:23

Is there anyway if making it easier? Can you get a little kit together so you could squirrel away upstairs with the telly and crisps and baby? Like a box with bottled water and painkillers, insulin etc, cple pull ups, cple sheets? So it's all to hand? Maybe a trashy magazine for you?

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