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Original poster

The dating thread 66

999 replies

LividofLondon · 02/12/2013 16:43

Seeing as thread 65 is now full.

Nothing to report here. I'm still in almost daily contact with MrK but due to his work was not able to meet this weekend. We're hoping to arrange something for this coming weekend, so fingers crossed. I keep reminding myself that every-other weekend is fine, but it just seems such a long wait in between Sad

Seeing as I'm trying to keep my cool and my plan was only for something casual, I'm still looking for more dates. But there's no-one I like online at the moment [sigh]

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 07/12/2013 13:33

Yes it is. It doesn't show your own friends, but it does show friends of friends and shared interests. Also doesn't post to your Facebook or anything. It's quite good.

TortillasAndChocolate · 07/12/2013 17:09

That was going to be my next question about whether it shows up on Facebook. That sounds good - I'm going to try that tonight once DS is in bed (could be late!)

StellaBrillante · 07/12/2013 17:27

Good evening all,
I haven't posted here since...April or around there?! I've been dating someone for 9 months now but I have a question for you all which is perhaps more suitable to go on a new thread. However, do you ever get a bit paranoid that somebody may read it and work out who you are? I know, it's a big world out there but...?
I was just wondering whether any of you have dated or are dating a man with children and ex-wife. I am and I am trying to make sense of why I feel so uncomfortable about the dynamics of it all. I think it's absolutely the right thing to do that he sees his children regularly and drives a very long distance for that too - although to be truly honest, it's the least that he can do seeing that the children didn't just 'pop out' by magic (are you listening ex-husband??? Wink). However, there are certain arrangements between him and his ex-wife (divorced for a good number of years) that seem odd such as getting a dog for the children together (and then proceeding to continuously discuss arrangements - the equivalent of having another child together??), the family Sunday lunches when he's there...and the last straw was that I am away for Christmas so he's staying up where the children live for over a week while I am gone (apparently with a friend). Then it appears that for the last three years, as he wasn't in a serious relationship, he also spent New Year's Eve with them doing fireworks and taking them out for a meal - ex included. In terms of seeing the children, it makes absolute sense to maximise the time there but all I can think it's that they are going to spend that time playing 'happy families' which then leads to 'moments of weakness', 'for old time's sake', 'because it's Christmas'...you get my point. This would all be much easier if she was in a relationship but that isn't the case and some things lead me to believe that there's still a torch burning there somewhere. It's driving me bananas, really! I don't want to be this horribly insecure and twisted person but I don't want to be hurt or sucked into somebody's game. So...any words of wisdom out there? If you think I just need to get a grip, that's ok too! Blush

PyjamaDayToday · 07/12/2013 17:44

Stella its difficult to know the true situation - perhaps you need to have a discussion with your DP and work out from his responses what the truth of the situation might be.

However from what you've said it all sounds very civilised and good for the kids and their new dog.

My XDP will be spending Christmas with us., Neither of us are in another relationship but there isn't any possibility that anything would occur between us - neither of us would want it, so it is possible for this sort of thing to be quite innocent.

Hormonalhell · 07/12/2013 18:52

Stella ex dh and I ended up in bed together Xmas eve last year after we'd had a fab night with the kidsn a few drinks Hmm

Neither of us was in a relationship tho so it's a bit different. If u think you can trust him then fine, if not then yes I'd be worried too. Sorry Hmm

SoleSorceress · 07/12/2013 19:27

Move on Stella, NEXT! too much headfuck

Itstartshere · 07/12/2013 19:28

Hi, hope you don't mind me posting here, I don't want to burden my friends.

Currently doing OD, for the last 3 months. Met 5 guys. The last 2 have really upset me. Because they were both lovely and I guess I got my hopes up. Both have rejected me because I have a disability (really don't think OD and disabilities go together, too easy to get scared and walk away). I was really upset over the first guy, he'd been telling me for weeks that he didn't care as I was so lovely. Got properly sucked in and the poof, he couldn't cope.

Last night I went on another date. He knew in advance about my health. Wow, he was great. Ticked so many boxes for me; kind, good looking. We had a whale of an evening, laughed so much, chatted non stop. It was brilliant. This morning has texted saying we don't have enough in common. Ok so it's a huge assumption it's about my health, but the not having enough in common is bullshit, we had masses in common. We got on so well. Anyway, it's fine in the sense I don't want to be with the wrong person, it just hurts when you've come away thinking you've had a great time.

Am quitting OD for a bit, going to try and meet people other ways and do a bit of stuff for myself for a bit, but I am feeling bruised and sore and like no one is ever going to see past my health despite how much I have to offer. Life feels like a pile of poop tonight.

SoleSorceress · 07/12/2013 19:35

Oh Istart x it is THEIR issues not yours. You have nothing to feel bad about. At least he told you, some just vanish so I hear. I have been rejected a lot because of my weight. He will come along because you are lovely. Keep going and we are here for you. It is them not you!

Itstartshere · 07/12/2013 19:40

Oh and I'm so glad for this thread, incidentally, it helps so much to know other people are having similar experiences; makes me think it's NOT about my disability but about men and OD being a pile of shit quite often. I'm just feeling so bruised and so damn sad about how difficult it is to meet someone nice. Having had my hopes raised twice and then dashed feels very, very difficult to deal with. Sad

Itstartshere · 07/12/2013 19:41

Thank you Sole, I did have someone just vanish on me too but he wasn't anything special so wasn't bothered. It is shit being rejected, I'm sorry you're having that too.

StellaBrillante · 07/12/2013 19:43

PyjamaDayToday & Hormonalhell - thank you! I hear you both although I still think that the story with the dog was going a bit too far - we all know that a pet is going to be the parents' responsibility so in my eyes, whereas most divorced couples look to reduce ties (seeing that there already children's arrangements to deal with), they've added another layer which includes sorting out the daily dog-care arrangements. This is a woman with two relatively young children and a full-time job - I had to re-home my dogs when I divorced because I had DS and worked full-time so I know what it's like to try to juggle it all, especially a puppy. So seeing that you are not going to have another child together, you get a dog... that's how I saw it anyway. And when I asked DP how he would have felt if I suddenly decided to have shared ownership of a pet with my ex, he agreed that it'd have prompted him to ask where things stood.

I think that since his last serious relationship, DP has conveniently settled for some arrangements which he's now taking steps to change (but not telling me in order to prevent me from changing my mind about us). The way I see it is that she is not over the break up and therefore she's been happy to accommodate it all (better to have little than nothing at all???) and he's gone along with it because it's convenient and it boosts his ego. Or maybe I've just gone completely mad!!! Do tell me if that's the case Xmas Hmm

And for those out on a date tonight: have a wonderful time!!!!!!!!!!! xx

StellaBrillante · 07/12/2013 19:46

Itstartshere it is incredibly difficult to meet someone nice full stop, regardless of personal circumstances!!! All we can do is look really well after number one (yep, us) and DCs xx

StellaBrillante · 07/12/2013 19:48

SoleSorceress that's how it's felt on a number of occasions: too much, too convoluted, why would I want to go there when mine and DS' lives are so simple and peaceful? And I wonder (I've said this to DP a few times) how many men would want to get involved with me if I had all these people 'floating about' in my life: children, exes, dog...!!!

Itstartshere · 07/12/2013 19:51

Thank you Stella. I think that's why I'm sad about last night - this guy seemed lovely. So decent, so kind, so nice. I really was thinking, wow I've met someone special.

StellaBrillante · 07/12/2013 19:56

Itstartshere can I just say how brave you are to be putting yourself out there? And again, my comment has nothing to do with personal appearance, circumstances etc. I couldn't do it. I tried OD but the longest a profile stayed on was 72 hours! I didn't date for over three years because I was too scared of all the game-playing and the stories that you hear about dating in general. But unlike me, you have the guts to give it a go!!!

lucyintheskywithdinos · 07/12/2013 20:01

Hello! New to the thread and to OD. I'm a single gay Mum of three daughters.

Question...I have been talking to Ms Activist for a while, she wants to move it from OKC to Facebook. Opinions? I like her thus far, lots of important stuff in common and she is hot!

Itstartshere · 07/12/2013 20:06

Thank you Stella, it feels really, really hard! It's so hard to be meeting people who I would possibly be ending up in relationships with if it wasn't for my disability, because I can't change that. But then there is the saying that a disability is the best idiot filter and maybe these guys really aren't that great underneath it all and I've had a lucky escape.

I'm fucking terrified I'll end up alone forever.

Lucy I keep my facebook separate and private until I know someone/am dating them. It feels too personal to show someone it otherwise. I text them instead.

PyjamaDayToday · 07/12/2013 20:29

Itstartshere I think the only way to protect yourself from hurt is not to get too involved with guys on OD sites., By that I mean don't start seeing them as part of your future until you've at least had a few dates. Regard them all as not that important potential tossers until they've earned your trust.

The fact is your disability is going to put some guys off. If you were too fat/too thin/too tall/too short/too blonde/too dark that would put some guys off too. But this is always about them, not you.

Maybe join other groups like meetup.com perhaps, so OD isn't the main focus.

StellaBrillante · 07/12/2013 20:34

Itstartshere a few months ago we were in Greece and met this couple who run a ceramics workshop there. Another lady told me their story and it goes like this: he was married to someone else when he had an accident and ended up on a wheelchair. His wife left him shortly after, although there is nothing to say that the relationship wasn't coming to an end before the accident (although at this point, I must admit that I jumped to all sorts of conclusions) but he eventually met the lady he's married to now. They've been together for almost 15 years and just by observing them, there's no denying that they make a strong team. In fact, in addition to the business, he's also involved in setting up a disabled rugby league in Greece which requires full support from his wife. Anyway, we are all just people and we all have flaws which will put people off in one way or another. I, for once, am so prejudiced that I rule out white trainers, bad spelling, smokers... so all of those things would be deal breakers - and that's even before I've seen what they look like or spoke to them! Oh yeah, and ironically (considering my previous career), I am absolutely appalling when it comes to managing my finances - for many people, that is a pretty serious flaw.
Isn't this all about who we are and meeting someone who will make us happy because they admire and respect us for who we are?

dontcallmehon · 07/12/2013 23:38

Don't despair, it can and does happen. I just searched on pof and my geeky has deleted his profile, as have I. And sad bloke who sent me penis pics is, surprise surprise, still on there.

PyjamaDayToday · 08/12/2013 09:19

Well Mr Rich, who I met on Friday, and who I wasn't interested in and wasn't fussed at all about having a second date with (although may have gone if he'd asked me, as he was nice enough but not fanciable), hasn't texted or messaged me asking for a second date and there's part of me thats quite peeved about that. I sound like a bloody loon What's that all about?

I have a second date on Tuesday with Mr Okay, who is just okay, and will probably have first date with biker boy next week, so not as though I've got nothing to keep me occupied Confused

girliefriend · 08/12/2013 10:19

Pjday - I had this happen to me a couple of times, I didn't fancy them but would have considered a second date but never heard from them again!

I think its annoying because I like to be the one saying no thanks - not the other way round Grin plus why wouldn't they want to go out with me again?! Grin Grin

Anyho I am still annoyed that Fri night didn't happen, although glad I cancelled as did feel very ropey and was in bed by 9pm!! Have rearranged date 4 for this wed which will be dinner at a pub - on me!!

Dont - you give us all hope!! How old are your kids and when are you planning on them meeting Geeky? I only ask because this is something I wonder about quite often with my dd, being very much a 'lone' parent if we are ever to see each other for more than 2 hours once a week he is going to have to meet dd. Obv not yet but wondering what the standard amount of time is usually? I am thinking 2-3 months?

Itstartshere · 08/12/2013 10:21

Stella you're absolutely right. And I know lots of people have trouble finding someone because they have children, or because of weight issues, or because they've been divorced multiple times and have commitment issues, or, or or.... so many reasons!

Crazy thing is I have lots of disabled friends who are in relationships so clearly some men don't care. It's very easy to think it's a reason you'll never meet someone though.

I am feeling much more positive tonight. I'm going to spend a few months spending time with friends, losing some weight (only have a stone to go and I know it will make me feel that much more confident in myself), I'm going to book a holiday and concentrate on a project which I'm finding really fulfilling at the moment. I think getting out a bit more wouldn't hurt; I need to have more fun and I have more chance meeting someone decent through doing things than just OD anyway.

Itstartshere · 08/12/2013 10:24

And oh my goodness, just checked that meet up site, and there is masses going on where I live. Wow! That's a total revelation, thank you for sharing. Lots of stuff I could do there.

Hormonalhell · 08/12/2013 10:36

Oh my god, just back from a most amazing first date!! Shock

I'll call him tall guy, we arranged to meet and I was actually tempted to cancel as I didn't really fancy him on his pics at all but anyway thought no as he'd got a sitter (he full time dad to two boys) and I wouldn't like it done to me so off I went.

Straightaway I liked him, I just felt comfortable with him and at ease and he kept making me giggle all night and once we kissed we just couldn't keep our hands off each other!!! Was really good night. He asked me to go back to his and although it was first date it just felt right. I just didn't want the night to end and it sure didn't Wink

Big smiles from me this morning SmileSmileSmile