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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The dating thread 66

999 replies

LividofLondon · 02/12/2013 16:43

Seeing as thread 65 is now full.

Nothing to report here. I'm still in almost daily contact with MrK but due to his work was not able to meet this weekend. We're hoping to arrange something for this coming weekend, so fingers crossed. I keep reminding myself that every-other weekend is fine, but it just seems such a long wait in between Sad

Seeing as I'm trying to keep my cool and my plan was only for something casual, I'm still looking for more dates. But there's no-one I like online at the moment [sigh]

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bant · 18/12/2013 12:46

FolkGirl - have you had counselling on these issues? Our parents fuck us up in lots of ways and it sounds like you need some help to value yourself. It doesn't sound ridiculous at all, - it sounds wrong, in that you shouldn't be thinking this way about yourself, but it's understandable given your history. Have you tried talking to samaritans or someone who can help? I don't know who the best people are to talk to right this minute but a counsellor could help you work out your issues longer term

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 13:38

No Bant. I've been on the waiting list for nearly a year and finally have an appointment in January.

Feel sad but I've realised that a) I don't believe anyone would genuinely like me, b) that I couldn't cope with a relationship and c) I wouldn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.

Bant · 18/12/2013 13:45

b) may be a valid reason, Folk -people shouldn't be in relationships if they're not in the right place emotionally for one, but a) and c) are bollocks. Sorry. Load of bollocks.

I don't know the situation with the bloke you're currently seeing, but if it's not doing you any good then put the dating on hold until you're able to value yourself and spend your time getting frustrated with the shit quality of men out there, and how they're not good enough for you. That's what you need - to see how you're the prize and they should be vying for your attention and respect, not the other way around.

If the guy you're dating at the moment is actually reassuring, supporting and good for you though, then be honest with him and tell him you're having some issues. I've seen it happen with others, sometimes it really helps, if the bloke is a good'un. And if he's not, then he's not worthy of your time and attention.

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 13:45

I'm supposed to be seeing the man I'm seeing this weekend. And I've already booked the flights. But I don't know if I can do it. And I'm now starting to think he wouldn't be that bothered anyway. I don't know what to do :(

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 13:50

That's sort of how I did feel though until someone else said something quite innocent last night, it triggered a load of stuff I'd buried and now here I am.

girliefriend · 18/12/2013 16:57

Folk Sad please don't let all the crap from your childhood jeopardise what you potentially have with this new man. He sounds nice.

You need to change your belief system about yourself, only you can do this. You are not ugly, you are worth something, you are loveable.

It is o.kay to be positive about yourself.

Def second about getting some counselling, don't let a shit childhood ruin the rest of your life.

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 17:10

girlie I just can't quite get past the idea that my original belief system was the right one. I feel like an idiot even considering otherwise.

Except that I had started to feel differently most of the time.

But now, I feel stupid and like this was just a reminder that I'm not the sort of woman men fall in love with.

Sad thing is, it wasn't just an unhappy childhood. These messages were being reinforced until just under 2 years ago. That's a lot of years of damage to undo.

I shouldn't be on this thread with this, sorry. I've asked for the post to be deleted.

Bant · 18/12/2013 17:15

Folk - the thread is to support everyone, whether they're going through the horrible process of dating or not. Everyone gets support if they want it, you don't have to have anything deleted if you don't want to, no one else minds, honestly.

There may be other places on MN where you can get better support from people than here, but this place is always good to ask for help and advice about anything, it's a nice community here..

powpow80 · 18/12/2013 17:43

Oh Folk. It is really sad to read how you feel about yourself. As Bant said this thread is here to support people with any issue. I would concur that counselling should help. It's great that you are starting in January. From your posts you seem like a lovely and caring person. Fingers crossed that you will realise the true value of yourself. You deserve to be loved.

takingnoprisoners · 18/12/2013 19:08

Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time folkgirl, I agree with the advice you have been given and say you could just go this weekend and have some fun? Maybe see it as a mini break with a good friend and see how it goes, things are maybe not as black and white as they seem, for all you know the guy you are seeing may have similar issues and be ok about slowing it all down a bit.
I think relationships are inherently tricky and there is no magic formula other than being congruent and compassionate, if you can do that at the same time as knowing you are finding it difficult then you are doing pretty well and much better than many.
This is a nice community so please don't worry about what you posted.

PyjamaDayToday · 18/12/2013 19:24

Folk I'm glad we have this thread so that we can try to look after each other when things are crap, for whatever reason.

Bant mentioned the Samaritans - they're there at the end of the phone and a call to them might be helpful, maybe?

< big hugs >

girliefriend · 18/12/2013 19:49

Have you read any self help books Folk? I know a lot of them are really rubbish but some are helpful in changing thought processes, when I was suffering from really bad anxiety I found all the Louise Hay books useful and also a book called 'feel the fear and do it anyway' if you can get past the fact they are very American they can be useful. Am a bit hit and miss with links but will have a go.....

girliefriend · 18/12/2013 19:52

louise hay

feel the fear

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/12/2013 19:56

Folk in the short time I've been on this thread, I've really enjoyed reading your posts. Your new man sounds lovely, unlike your ex who sounds like he had his own issues that he should have dealt with. Instead, he projected his skewed view of women onto you, which compounded the views that your (clearly toxic) mother had instilled in you. It's no surprise that you feel this way because it's what you've been taught and all you've ever know. However, that doesn't mean it's correct.

Your new man clearly likes you. A lot. He slept on your living room floor, thinking it romantic. He's thrilled you're about to fly and meet his family. He hasn't shown one iota that he thinks you're horrible, unloveable, unattractive, not good enough, or that he's 'settling'. He's clearly attracted to you. The only reason you think that he isn't is because of false beliefs from your past. This is not your past - it's your present. In the present, he likes you and you like him. Believe that, and enjoy it.

Earlier this year I had counselling. I, too, had to wait over a year but it was more than worth the wait. My counsellor was lovely and I learnt to recognise false and negative thoughts and behaviours, and learnt how to deal with them so they had less/no impact. Please keep your counselling appointment for January, as I feel it will be so beneficial for you to start learning how to disable this kind of thinking. In the meantime, keep posting here and don't do anything rash like end your relationship. I honestly think that after a few weeks of counselling you'll start to feel differently.

MadeMan · 18/12/2013 20:24

@FolkGirl Reading through this thread, your contributions are pretty much the most positive and happy posts of all of them.

Have a re-read through your posts, in particular the ones on page 15 (that's the page in my browser) dated Saturday 14th. From what you've written, your man sounds like he adores you! Smile Smile

superdooperpenguin · 18/12/2013 21:47

Folk - another one here holding your hand! You seem so lovely and give such kind advice without judgement - please be kind on yourself. You deserve to be happy and your new man sounds as though he is really into you - enjoy it! Dating is a risky business, we can never be certain that the guy on the receiving end is worthy - but you must believe you are worthy! From your posts, I believe you are. Good luck my darling - if you ever want to talk then please pm me xx

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 22:09

You lot are so lovely. Thank you :)

softkitty yes I agree, esp about ex. I'm not really angry with him. I think he's only begun to realise just how warped his ideas were and it's thrown him off kilter a bit too.

Thank you MadeMan. I suppose it's just little things like we don't chat loads in between that bothers me about him. But then, I'm not a 'chatting loads person'. I know he's not a big chatter, though. But just because he isn't texting me 100 times a day asking me what I'm doing or telling me he's thinking of me doesn't mean he isn't doing, right? I mean before the world had mobile phones (and he's got a cheap payg that he checks once or twice when he's with me for the weekend so he's not a big phone person) we weren't in constant contact were we?

I know that when he gets in from work, he likes to relax and have a bit of peace and quiet. That's fine by me.

When we're together, we are most definitely 'together'.

I think I just found myself unexpectedly knocked sideways and it turned me upside down last night and today. I feel a little more settled now.

Thanks.

FolkGirl · 18/12/2013 22:20

Thanks super. On one had I know that everything you are saying is right, but on the other hand it's as though because I'm not perfect, none of that counts :(

Oh and as far as new man goes, he said that one of the things he likes about me is that I don't want to text/talk constantly. Grin

I think that a completely innocent comment by someone who had no idea what they were going to unleash yesterday, resulted in a catch being flicked, a door flying open and a whole load of shit flowing out.

I feel a bit more balanced now. So thank you.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 18/12/2013 22:44

On one hand I know that everything you are saying is right, but on the other hand it's as though because I'm not perfect, none of that counts

Folk no-one is perfect. None of us are. Not one. Not your mum, not your ex, not your new man, not me, not you. Our imperfections are what make us human.

HelloBoys · 19/12/2013 10:48

Folkgirl - please don't be so hard on yourself. if you DO need/want therapy for issues then do get it.

I had therapy myself (which touched on relationships) back end of last year and this year. To say it was amazing and sorted me out is the very least of how it helped me.

I've had similar stuff (didn't see your original OP) but re exes - self-esteem been knocked down etc. BUT if you meet the right man (which you seem to have done) then all of that goes away and you can get over it easily. You just need to value yourself and the relationship and the fact it's with this new man. if counselling helps with any issues then do do it.

I saw a friend of mine yesterday who said I was glowing, looked really well and had lost weight (I didn't think I had) and for the first time in ages my new man makes me feel GREAT, and even though he couldn't be with me last night he was texting me, I was showing my friend photos etc and for the first time in a bloody long time I feel this could be a good relationship.

So what I'm saying to you - what MadeMan said too - he obv adores you, wouldn't sleep on your floor, ask you to fly out with him etc if he REALLY liked you a lot. so just go with it and try to chill out re the doubts. big hug. Smile

brokenhearted55a · 19/12/2013 19:15

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SweetSeraphim · 19/12/2013 20:26

FFS broken! Why? You know that he's pissing you around, and that you can do better. It won't end well.

PS Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm typing as if I were talking to one of my friends Wink

brokenhearted55a · 19/12/2013 20:38

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SweetSeraphim · 19/12/2013 20:43

But so what if there's no one else? Isn't it better to be alone than with someone that doesn't treat you with respect?

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