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Original poster

The dating thread 66

999 replies

LividofLondon · 02/12/2013 16:43

Seeing as thread 65 is now full.

Nothing to report here. I'm still in almost daily contact with MrK but due to his work was not able to meet this weekend. We're hoping to arrange something for this coming weekend, so fingers crossed. I keep reminding myself that every-other weekend is fine, but it just seems such a long wait in between Sad

Seeing as I'm trying to keep my cool and my plan was only for something casual, I'm still looking for more dates. But there's no-one I like online at the moment [sigh]

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/12/2013 22:20

Can I join the thread please? I've been single for ages a while and have recently rejoined POF and I'm also using Tinder. I've been messaging a man 7 years my junior on Tinder who seems decent and he wants to meet but I'm so nervous. I keep wondering what a hot 34yo sees in a single parent who's the wrong side of 40 Grin.

I also have huge attraction to DS's teacher who leaves the school next week. I'm thinking of slipping my number into his Christmas card with a light and non-committal message about going for a drink sometime. I wouldn't do it if he was staying at the school as I wouldn't want to jeopardise either his career or DS's schooling but as he's leaving it's an all or nothing moment. What do you all think?

Santaclaws · 13/12/2013 22:35

Help its over. Have had a reply to my email. Basically saying I'm this awful person who picks holes in what he says, makes him explain himself, and because my previous relationship had lots of ups and downs and was volatile then that's what I'm like ( it was an EA) relationship and took its toll on me, we did talk about it but obviously he didn't get it. So he's used that information to form this opinion that I look for trouble in a relationship. We never had one argument. There were 3 wobbles 1) when I gently broached a problem he had during sex 2) when he had cooled things after saying he was in love with me ( after I broached the sex problem 3) when I asked if he still had feelings for ex because he avoided her. I felt insecure because he'd cooled off so I don't think I looked for trouble, he created it. If someone goes from saying they love you to not saying it you want to know why. He's said it's best if we end it so that's that and I'm so bloody hurt

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/12/2013 22:50

Santa from what you've put in previous posts you didn't pick holes in what he said, just opened up discussion about certain things that bothered you. He, on the other hand, blew hot and cold and messed with your feelings. I'm so sorry it's ended but tbh he doesn't sound very nice.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 13/12/2013 22:55

Why not softkitty... life's way too short, and you'll never see him again so even if he doesn't respond there'll be no embarassment.

Santaclaws · 13/12/2013 22:59

Thanks kitty yes he did mess with my feelings. Looking back he said ridiculous things at the start and eventually swept me up in it all. Yes I did open up discussions and on two occasions I recognise I should have shut up sooner but I apologised to him. I think now he just wanted a really easy going relationship with no hassle or differences at all. I think I was a rebound relationship for him even though at the start he asked me not to mess with his feelings. Funny it turned out he messed with mine

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/12/2013 23:19

That's what I thought MyChild, I won't have to see him again so it won't be embarrassing if he's married, gay or just not interested. Unless he shows it around the staffroom and they all have a good laugh at my expense, of course Grin Hmm.

Santa you have every right to raise things for discussion. If he didn't want to discuss certain subjects he should just have said so, nicely. There was absolutely no need to storm off when the conversation didn't quite go his way. Sounds like he did that to 'make' you apologise, put you on the back foot and keep you in your place, so to speak. You deserve better.

Santaclaws · 13/12/2013 23:31

Well he professed he loved me very quickly and he genuinely seemed to be bubbling with happiness but of course I couldn't live up to his ideal and he started cooling off which made me upset and I had to ask him. Actually he created my insecurity now I look at it. The email wasn't very nice really all full of blaming me for going on and on, picking holes in what he said and its obvious I'm that way in relationships because of what went on between me and my ex. His words were " the way you talk about your ex that's what you do all the time" ( meaning argue and have bad relationships) funny I was married for 20 years before that though. I feel very badly let down

dontcallmehon · 13/12/2013 23:37

Santa he's not the one. Love shouldn't be so difficult. softkitty - do it!

dontcallmehon · 13/12/2013 23:49

Aww - geeky is away seeing his friends and I just got an 'I love you' text.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 13/12/2013 23:51

Santa he put you on a pedestal then knocked you straight off it. He's blaming you for the breakdown of the relationship and you believe him Sad. He needs to take a good, long look at himself tbh rather than throwing all the blame at you. But I suppose he needs to validate his actions, which means everything had to be your 'fault' Hmm. He's a twat and there's no point agonising over him or trying to work him out. Just move on.

Santaclaws · 13/12/2013 23:57

Yes he can't take responsibility for his behaviour at all whereas at least I held my hands up and apologised for carrying the conversation on a bit too long.

HotCrossBunsForAll · 14/12/2013 00:02

Right, I went, and I'm back home! I met him on Tinder - nice to see that other people are using it as well!

We just went for a drink - I was with ex for 8 years (am 27) so it was odd to be on a 'date'. Glad I went, I think I needed to just do it! He bought drinks, wouldn't let me pay - he's nice, very well spoken, talked about himself SO much though, he's a teacher & you'd think he's reinventing the face of education. When we left, I opened my car and he gave me a hug & then asked what I'm doing Sunday! That's really soon - I am genuinely busy and told him that, he suggested dinner on Weds, I said I would check (work commitments) and let him know. Since I left, he has not stopped texting. He's mentioned a dinner date again, and other lines include 'not gonna lie, I liked what I saw' & 'I thought about kissing you, but didn't know how you'd respond'. I think the answer to that is not well, am I being daft by thinking this is a bit much?! He was going on about needing someone special to spend Christmas with, I'm a tad freaked out here.

powpow80 · 14/12/2013 00:13

Jesus HotCross that's a bit much all right. Too intense altogether. From your post it sounds like you are not keen to meet him again. If not, just text to say you had a nice time but don't see it going further. Or something along those lines.

Bant · 14/12/2013 00:19

Sounds needy, hotcross - especially given his use of the term 'needing'

I personally think its a faux pas to ask someone on a second date during the first one, unless things are going spectacularly well.

Do you want to see him again? It's okay to say you don't, you shouldn't feel like you have to just because it was an okayish date. If you want to, then just he careful about him pedestalising you, which is usually a red flag.

If not then its okay to text back and say you've reconsidered and you don't think you're right for each other. Gently.

Then he may get sulky and bitter, which generally proves you were right.

There are always plenty more fish, but some of them are rotten.

dontcallmehon · 14/12/2013 07:04

hotcross I think it sounds all about what he wants and needs. Too overwhelming! I did always like being asked on a second date at the end of the first, but like bant said, only if it's obvious to both of you that it's gone really well.

Lots of drunken 'I love you texts' from geeky last night. It's nice that I'm on his mind even when he's away.

niceupthedance · 14/12/2013 07:17

Softkitty definitely go, I don't think tinder dates are as intimidating as other dates somehow - all a bit more 'fun'. I think tinder is great btw. I'm going to meet someone ten years younger next week - bring it on! Grin

Queenofthedrivensnow · 14/12/2013 09:33

Hi all. I have finally dtd with gap yah. Only took about 12 dates! It was good. Things are good. Trying to keep my anxiety under control is v hard though. He is quite black and white about things. For example I asked him if we needed to have a conversation about exclusivity. His reply (nicely) was 'eh? Course it's exclusive there's no need to have a conversation about it' and looked at me a bit strangely.
After Xmas I will have loads more babysitting for various reasons. I told him to gauge his reaction. He couldn't stop smiling Grin

Stupidhead · 14/12/2013 09:45

Queen - awwww!!!
Don't - awwwwww!!!!
I'm feeling the lurve!

Santa, tbh he sounds EA, he can't cope with any 'conflict' i.e., talks about problems HE may have 'downstairs'. And expects you to apologise every time. Again he sounds just like the twat I dated a few years back. I guarantee he'll put out feelers in an email or text in a few weeks so get ready to ignore. You don't need his kind of crap again. Rethink your strategy. Not what you WANT in a guy but what you DONT want, dating should be fun not one person with more power. You're better than that x

Queenofthedrivensnow · 14/12/2013 10:24

Santa he sounds awful Hmm

Santaclaws · 14/12/2013 10:36

I don't think he will come back is few weeks. In my email I said I didn't want to be left hanging so I could move on. He replied saying all the things I posted on earlier threads and finally " so if you ask me I think it's best you move on" it's clear he doesn't want a relationship with me.

I'd also started to become a bit worried because it became apparant in conversations that two of his long term relationships, in his own words had ended without a conversation that it was over, one of them dropped him off after a holiday and they never saw eachother again but no disagreement according to him. I asked if he'd wanted to find out why and he said no. The other one didn't contact him on return from a trip he drove past her house to see if she was home, saw her car there and assumed it was over. I found it a bit odd but maybe it's just me. We are talking relationships of 2 and 3 years here

I'd often spend time wondering if he wanted to be with me. It went from falling madly for me at first to what I would call steady but he would say things like " ohi had a lovely evening on my own last night" " a nice bit of me time". " I love Christmas in on my own" he still continued to see me but I had a nagging doubt that his heart wasn't in because of what he said. Looks like I was right

Santaclaws · 14/12/2013 10:39

queen I know he sounds awful but he was quite an awkward quietish person, came across as very aminable and helpful. He had quite a sweet demeanour. I loved that because my ex was very alpha male and we clashed quite badly though it was very passionate

Stupidhead · 14/12/2013 10:39

He was doing everything to make you fall in love with him to prove his self worth. It's a game. He's fucked up. You will realise in time and think 'urgh' lucky escape I promise!

Santaclaws · 14/12/2013 10:48

stupidhead that was in the of my mind off and on and kept niggling at me. But I told myself I was wrong because I had fallen for him. God what a fool I've been

Bant · 14/12/2013 10:51

It's one of the classic red flags, people who push too far too fast, fall in love within a few days, put you on the pedestal - it's not necessarily a game to them, I don't think they're necessarily trying to manipulate you delberately, but whether it's deliberate or not it tends to burn out quickly and you're left going 'wtf'?

Dating is tough. Take a break if you need, don't respond to his future messages (and as others say, he is likely to do it - 'I've been thinking..' or 'I think I made a mistake..' and then it'll be back into the control cycle)

There are other decent ones out there who will go at a pace you're happy with. The Dating threads are full of women who've had situations like this and then gone on and found someone fantastic - and they're now celebrating anniversaries together. Which is lovely.

I have a pseudo-date with Tundra this afternoon. She messaged me back in July as she was moving back to Hungaria from the UK and wanted to check out the talent (her words) - we've exchanged messages for months, but were never free at the same time. She seems nice enough, interesting, attractive, couple of years older than me. Likes hill walking which really isn't my thing, but seems to be funny which is.

So. An afternoon date-of-sorts. Not sure if it's just friend-zone really, my expectations are low. Maybe there will be chemistry, maybe not.

kscience · 14/12/2013 11:57

dont Awwww gives us all hope

Hot tooo much.......go with your gut
Satnta and hot too. Remember sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frog before you find your prince.... FROG FROG

Queen glad its going well

Bant have fun on the date-of sorts

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