anyone gone no contact with an ex despite having children.

[nocontactforevermore]

Hi everyone. I am feeling pretty low tonight and realised that if I don't get help with this aspect of my life, i am going to wreck it, basically.

My ex and I split up years ago and its been very acrimonious. We never married and have one young dd. He has dragged me to court several times and his wife also involves herself in our situation. He uses our dd against me - for example won't let me speak to her on the phone if I've upset him in any way and gives me constant unrelenting grief about the way i parent her. I feel as though he is trying to dismantle every important relationship in her life, he reported her cm to ofsted, told cafcass I was a terrible mother, is always up at the school telling them I'm withholding information from him. His latest thing now is that he has convinced dd her best friend is bullying her and has reported that to the school as well. i get on with her mother really well and am mortified at the fall out it will cause.

I feel completely and utterly depressed by it all. Court proceedings haven't brought us any relief because he constantly attacks my parenting. If we have the slightest disagreement about any normal aspect of parenting - he will bring out the big guns and swing low every time. His court statement was the most horrific slandering of my care of our dd This weekends instalment was about how i left dd with a babysitter and that he wasn't letting me speak to dd on the phone because she didn't want to. He ranted and raved about how unhappy I make our child by leaving her with her grandparents on xyz occasions and how our holiday times are a joke because all I do is run with my mates while she left with whoever.

The problem I have is this……I just cannot get the messages out of my head. Even after 6 years, he knows exactly what he needs to say to upset me. I KNOW thats his intention, I KNOW I need to delete and laugh them off, but I just can't. Heres what I do, in exactly this order:
Read them over and over again, respond to them defending myself and sometimes engaging in a slanging match which I then beat myself up about because i have stooped to his level….read the messages over and over, question my parenting, ring my mum and friends, cry my eyes out, ask them if he's right, talk to my partner about it all night long and read and re-read those awful messages/emails again and again. A sort of gloomy silent depression settles over our house when I get these messages. If they come while I'm out at night in a restaurant or wherever….we have to go home because I am so upset. It lasts for days. My partner is so upset by it all because he says that my ex has such a hold on me after all these years and something needs to give.

I think what i'm terrified of is my ex managing to convince my dd in years to come of my perceived failures. What is normal for most people (i.e. leaving her with grandparents while we go out for a night) is being portrayed to her as neglect. I am terrified that he will normalise all these things for her and warp her against me. I question myself all the time….worry that I am a crap mother, that he's right, that I will lose my child to them. He seems to know an awful lot about my life. I can't tell if dd is complaining about me or he is grilling her. She is only 7.

I felt so anxious and stressed about all of this last year that my doc offered me anti-d's. I didn't take them but took herbal ones instead as I want to try and deal with this properly. I am very happy with my partner ( ex even demanded a CRB on him last year) but I live in fear of the next allegation….the next 'complaint' to an official body….the next friendship he destroys. I am ordinarily a strong woman, have a professional career, no history of depression etc, but this has controlled my life. A relative of mine said that I am never going to be free of him, so I need to find a way of managing how I respond to him….so thats why I'm here.

Here are my ideas so far:

1. get a pay as you go and only turn it on once a week for dd to call him on his allotted him. I can't bear to see messages and emails from him coming through to my phone as they make me so so anxious.
2. set up an alternative email address and get my partner to field emails from him/filter them. Check only once a week.
3. get some kind of therapy. I don't know who to approach for this or who I could see- I need someone to help me deal with how i respond to him.

What I would like to know, is can you see any potential pitfalls of going no contact with him? i've resisted it so far because I'm terrified he will need to get hold of me in an emergency and so I will end up checking the phone constantly anyway. I also fear that this is moving our already awful relationship 'down another level'. Can two people raise a child without speaking….ever? I mean we don't text all week usually but we are able to exchange simple messages about her school needs etc. What would I do about these situations? i guess Im trying to say that I've tried in the past to only have this kind of arrangement with him but every time he sends a nasty message, i am back at square one. Going no contact seems to be the only solution….but is it? What else could i do?

Finally, I would love someone to tell me for sure that they will not be successful in convincing my dd that she is being shortchanged by me….but she aready questions my choices. I can see already that she is being worked on and i want to try and stop this. I never ever speak badly about her dad in front of her, but she isn't daft and has picked up on the conflict from the other side ( she tells me for example that she keeps her sm happy by not mentioning my name). I feel so so sorry for her…..is there a therapy of any kind that I could engage her in to show her that she is not being failed in some way by me?

I am SO sorry about the length of this….thanks for getting this far.

bump anyone? TIA

Sorry to hear this.

I think you should cut as much contact as you can. My ex isn't that bad but I found that continuing to try to talk to him was very bad for my mental health - the last straw was when he would look after our daughter when I was having chemo, so I just said to myself I was not going to engage anymore.

I will email him and keep it short and factual about our daughter. I won't engage in any back and forth conversations. She phones him when she wants to, I don't engage with that.

I would also think about talking to someone professional, it might help. You need to get out of this spiral and get him out of your head. I know it is very hard, it took me years.

Of course, in ideal world you would be on cordial terms with your ex, but in cases like this I think you have to do what you can to protect your own mental health. As long as you don't actively bad mouth him to your daughter, she should be able to cope with you not being friends.

Sorry, would not look after daughter - it would have been 'very inconvenient' apparently ....

This is what I do:
I simply don't answer phone calls from him. Ever.
I don't reply to messages, unless they refer to contact with DS. And then only OK, or NO.
I redirect e-mail automatically to a separate folder in my e-mail account, so that I don't see it in my inbox. Then I do as text messages.
I never reply straight away, unless it's very basic. And I only look at messages when I'm in a good place and feel strong enough to read and reply.

It has got a lot better from what it was initially.

Never defend yourself to him.

I don't know about going nc, but It definitely sounds like you need counselling. I had counselling because I couldn't move on from my 1st exh; he was in my head and wouldn't go (and not in a good way as he was an abuser) and it got so much worse after his death. I visited every memory over and over and am so glad there were no written messages to read and that there were no children.

Counselling once a week for 6 months worked wonders for me. 19, almost 20 years after separation and divorce, I finally stopped him and the memories from affecting me and my life. Counselling is a very good tool and I recommend that to you OP so that the messages stop hurting you, so that your mental health strengthens.

The other stuff will have to wait for someone else to come along. I hope you get it sorted to your satisfaction, your Dp's and your Dd's.

Thanks both. Spero you've helped me out re legal advice in the past, thanks loads. Can't believe he wouldn't look after your dd when you were so ill. What a crappy way to have a pop at someone.

I already don't take calls, to be fair he rarely asks to speak anyway but that's cos he's a keyboard warrior and prefers to get his wife to pen these well worded but utterly utterly crushing statements about my failures. He sends ranty texts about things that have nothing to do with the matter in hand and upcast old grievances from months ago. I feel he won't be happy until he 'wins' dd's heart and mind.....convincing her that she is being neglected by me. I took her on an amazing sporting holiday last year and she had to have lessons every day for it while we were out there for 4 hours a day. She loved it, but then I got a horrible email from him a week after saying dd was upset because she never spent any time with me I the holiday as I had 'dumped her' so I could enjoy myself. I felt so crushed that dd was complaining about a trip I was planning for years. He obviously embellished it....but she did actually complain to him. That said, I would never blame her for anything, she is 7 after all. At this age she can't understand that he takes her words and twists them....to the point where he starts rows with important people in her life (her teachers, her cm, her friends parents).

7 year olds complain all the time.
I quickly go from the best mum in the world to the worst. :)

I do wonder if she complained, or he dragged it out of her, looking for faults.
Regardless, you do what's best, and keep telling your DD that. As for him, ignore.

It's hard isn't it to not bad mouth him to her or to tell her what he's trying to do. I'm really sorry for you.

That came out wrong actually, but I can't think how to put it.

I think I'm trying to say that it'd be nice/easier to tell Dd the truth about what he's trying to do (to you) and to help her to make informed decisions/conclusions...she's just too young.
My own Dd is almost 7 and we have some 'dad issues' and I so wish I could speak plainly to her.

I feel sorry for his and your partners. Mostly I feel for your dd.

Your best blanking him, hard I know, he gets off on putting you down. I engage for a bit with people, then when I realise their mission is to belittle me etc, I won't engage with them anymore as I can see they are not well in themselves if they need to put someone else down.

You deserve a better life than this.

I went completely nc with my ex about 7 years ago. Similar situation to yours although he doesn't have a new partner to do his writing for him.

It really is the best thing I ever did. Whilst ever I had to deal with his complete and utter bollocks he was still controlling me and my emotions in some way. It wasn't good for me, dd or my dp.

It was only possible to go completely nc because my mum handles all the handovers and passes on information such as times etc. Is there anyone who can do that for you? I know that he can always get hold of mum in an emergency etc. Could your dp be involved or even your new partner?

And with regards to him turning your dd against you kids aren't daft. If dd came home and mentioned that daddy says this or that I would simply say daddy needs to speak to nannan if he is worried and then I will deal with it. But daddy is still cross with mummy because I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore so I wouldn't pay him too much attention.

After the first year things settled down. Now he just mildly irrates me with stupid things like being late back etc. Have solved that by saying anything past 5pm and he drops her off here and waits at top of street until she waves she is in the house. She is 9 now so old enough to do that. This stops him being late as it is off the bus route for him to drop her here lol.

So yes it is possible to go nc. And sometimes the best thing to do for you and your dc. But you do need help doing this. And it does mean you can't contact your dd whilst she is with him.

It sounds as though you need it tbh. You can try it out and if it doesn't work have a rethink. Good luck.

Agree with lewji - this email stuff and be crushing. I used to open each email as it came and dash off furious responses as soon as I could - crazy behaviour.

Things have flared up over the years because he will never answer simple queries about when he is going to see her or he is very late bringing her back and won't call. On those occasions I have said he must make arrangements via someone else, my mum has helped.

It was really good just having that break and wouldn't you know it, he is able to communicate in an adult and respectful way with others!

Maybe say - I will only respond to emails that ask specific questions. Anything else is deleted.

And yes, I totally agree - children will complain. That doesn't mean you are a bad mother. My 8 year old complains I won't let her stay up late, have chocolate for breakfast. She can complain as much as she likes, I am secure about the decisions I make she finds unfair.

But he is obviously hitting you where it hurts and trying to undermine you as a mother. You need help recognising this for the toxic game playing it is, and probably help increasing your own confidence. So second what others have said about counselling. With the right person, it can really help.

I have this he can only contact me via a solicitor if he ever has our son he is told calls texts etc are being recorded and will be used against him Ina. Court of law he has no contact with me and can only pick my son up via a member of the family and is recorded via CCTV doing so same at collection. Unfortunately this is how it had to be to keep my piece of mind and give me a happy life otherwise I would of been a pathetic mess by now. Get legal advice and realise you don't need to take it he can't turn your daughter against you as she will grow into an adult and have her own mind and will remember your parenting just like my little boy remembers his dad's behaviour I also keep everything so if my he needs proof or just to read things for himself he can do with no bias from me or his dad.
Sorry it's long but the sooner you can sort it out the better you will get

Thanks everyone. The things my dd seems to be complaining about is if she's ever left with a sitter etc.....he taps into this and tells me to to put her before my 'crazy social life'. It's all stuff that leaves me feeling like shit. The latest complaint is that her best friend bullies her and I'm too wrapped up in my 'social life' to notice.

He picks at every little aspect of my life. His wife joins in and the grief is relentless. DD had nits once and I had emails from both of them lecturing me about it. If dd is ever ill his wife sends me blow by blow instructions on how to care for her. They buy her clothes but then take them off her before she comes home and tell dd it's because 'I'll keep them'. Ex refuses to even buy her a school uniform and makes me send spares. He picks and picks holes in everything I do and manages to turn something nice into something sinister. Last year I had a Xmas party.....and he sent vile messages saying he'd be telling the court that dd was at an 'adults Xmas party past her bedtime'. If I pay for a tutor for her, I'm 'lazy' and can't be bothered to help her myself, I take her on holiday to learn a sport....and I've dumped her with others.

He brings everything and I really mean everything back to my social life.....they are quiet and reserved people so by comparison, I'm a raging boozer who never sits in. He pays pennies in maintenance yet apparently he is sick to death of subsidising me (£20pw).

I wish I didn't let it affect me so much. Everyone tells me about the button-pushing, he achieves what he sets out to do, I'm giving him oxygen etcetera. My rational brain knows this, but I just cannot deal with it emotionally. If I see a text from him or wife in my inbox my heart starts beating right out of my chest and the room spins. I feel sick for days if there's a school event and I have to see them ;they make sure they sit right at the front being as loud and overbearing as possible so dd pretty much ignores me). He has to drop her at my door every other week ;there's no one to help, partner works and family live miles away) but I hate him being anywhere near it....he stands for ages at my door telling dd she needs to make sure she has a bath and brushes her teeth (cos I don't apparently).

Yes going no contact without a family member to help is the plan....not ideal but I don't have anything else

His wife sounds like she winds the situation up, she sounds like she was recruited to help bully you, I no longer feel sorry for her. Your dd is stuck with them, nothing you can do, poor kid.

I always 'knew' what the right thing to do was re my ex. It took five years for that information to be put into action, and even now I have lapses.

I think this is very common. At some level we will probably always be 'attached' to them as fathers of our children.

But I think the time has come to get some help with other strategies so you don't feel compelled to ruminate over these stupid emails and you can get on with your own life and looking after your child.

Does anyone know how I would access that kind of therapy? Also, he won't let me speak to dd on his time or controls it so tightly that he turns it into a nightmare so as much as it will hurt not to speak to her while she is with him, it's what needs to happen. The trouble is when she is with him in summer for 2 weeks at a time - that'll be hard. I need to buy a cheap phone and switch it off all week, only turning it on when he's due a phonecall

Why arent you writing a diary of these abusive messages and taking them to correct people, saying your worried your DD is being used as a tool to abuse you?

Do you ever have cuddles in front of the telly, and just say,
"DD mummy loves you, you know that dont you", she knows you love her and its probably hard for her to have her dad at her constantly trying to dig dirt.

Also i suspect your DD isnt complaining about anything, its her dad and stepmum twisting things, she must be a very confused little girl.

You need to have a good chat with your daughter and find out if she is unhappy about anything, holiday, staying with grandparents etc and then talk to her about it. Tell her that she needs to come to you if she has any problems, so that you can deal with them, because there is nothing that daddy can do about any of it. She needs to understand that you do need to have a life. If she wants/needs more time with you, then find a way of doing that, without losing your own social life. She needs to understand that you are there for her, but she cannot play you off against your ex.

My DD is with XH EOW, but I still need to go out sometimes when she is with me and then she will stay at my parents. That is totally reasonable and is not neglect. A couple of times a year we will go to a neighbours party or bbq and DD will still be up at midnight, say on a bank holiday, or NYE.

My XH rarely replies to texts/emails. He will send DD home dirty and unfed. He let her ride her bike without a helmet on. He thinks I am unreasonable if I ask him not to do these things. I have had to give up on saying anything and accept that she will come home in a mess.

I think that counselling would be a good idea for you. I have accessed some through NHS Depression and Anxiety service and there will probably be one in your area. I was able to self refer and will be getting some CBT to stop thoughts whirling round all the time in my head. It sounds like CBT would help you too.

I have been given a phrase by the School Support Network, to say to DD every time she kicks off - "Remember DD, that Mummy loves you and will always be there for you".

Regarding maintenance, it is to provide food, clothing and a roof over DD's head. Has the money been calculated by CSA?

I agree with ignoring the emails. Get somebody else to read them and only let you know any valid points regarding contact.

Skye I use that phrase with my DD when she gets upset about her dad, she knows im here and that i love her, she doesnt really mention her dad much now.

I tell her constantly that I love her. I try never to say anything about her other family that will cause grief although I've said things like I wish I could change things for her. When her dad takes things off her that he has bought etc, I will say that I don't agree with that but can't change it for her. Dad and SM are clever enough not to 'lay into me' in front of dd, it's more the questioning etc which has allowed her to see and adapt her little ways to make sure she doesn't upset them. She wanted to take some hair clips from her room over to her sister on her dads side for example, and told me not to worry because she would tell SM that they came from her and not me. That breaks my heart that she knows I'm not liked.

As for reporting this crap....to who?! Who would listen?

I think CBT would be an excellent idea - it is supposed to help after a short period of time, if your GP can't get you on any waiting lists, can you afford to pay privately? I think 10 week courses are supposed to be helpful.

You are stuck in a hard place. His behaviour and that of his partner, is clearly emotionally abusive but not 'enough' to mean that anyone would intervene to stop contact.

I think you just have to try to be as straightforward and honest with your daughter as you can. Whenever my daughter asks a question, I try to answer as honestly as I can without painting her dad as an idiot.

For eg she asked me if my mum and dad liked her dad. I said they didn't like some of the things he had done. She seemed ok with that answer. If she every asks me I will say that it is sad but her dad and I aren't friends and probably never will be, but that has nothing to do with her relationship with her dad and it is great that she loves him; he is her dad and she should.

CBT would be a great idea, it can help you cut off his supply lines, if he knows his abuse and lecturing of you, isnt holding any weight for you anymore, then its better for your DD.

Also talk with DD as Skye suggested.

Sadly i cant say who you can turn to other cafcass, i dont have experience of this.

Can i ask, was he critical of you when you were together and who initiated the split, it could answer alot of questions for you.

The absolute worst thing (as in good) you can do to bully is ignore them. Get yourself some therapy and learn to detach from this f*wit. I have ranted at my therapist about my Ex and the process of getting all those negative feelings out in the open and laid bare makes it easier. Once I connect his actions with that of a desperate, pathetic and insecure man that has absolutely nothing to do with me, his actions loose their power.

I'm about to have mediation with my f*wit, in these sessions I will state what my boundaries are and what the consequences are for overstepping them. A communication protocol will be established; sms and e-mail (phone calls in emergencies) and I handovers will take place outside of a Police station (non negotiable). On the weekends DD is with him I will not be phoning and there will be no co-parenting. If he bad mouths me to DD, I will insist on supervised contact.

I have spent the last three years only communicating through third parties and he has been a pain, so am not looking forward to doing it myself but part of me wants to show him that emotionally I am not afraid of him and DD needs to know that too.

Detaching isn't easy but it gets the best results because it puts me in control, not him. Get yourself some support, you deserve it.