anyone gone no contact with an ex despite having children.

[nocontactforevermore]

Hi everyone. I am feeling pretty low tonight and realised that if I don't get help with this aspect of my life, i am going to wreck it, basically.

My ex and I split up years ago and its been very acrimonious. We never married and have one young dd. He has dragged me to court several times and his wife also involves herself in our situation. He uses our dd against me - for example won't let me speak to her on the phone if I've upset him in any way and gives me constant unrelenting grief about the way i parent her. I feel as though he is trying to dismantle every important relationship in her life, he reported her cm to ofsted, told cafcass I was a terrible mother, is always up at the school telling them I'm withholding information from him. His latest thing now is that he has convinced dd her best friend is bullying her and has reported that to the school as well. i get on with her mother really well and am mortified at the fall out it will cause.

I feel completely and utterly depressed by it all. Court proceedings haven't brought us any relief because he constantly attacks my parenting. If we have the slightest disagreement about any normal aspect of parenting - he will bring out the big guns and swing low every time. His court statement was the most horrific slandering of my care of our dd This weekends instalment was about how i left dd with a babysitter and that he wasn't letting me speak to dd on the phone because she didn't want to. He ranted and raved about how unhappy I make our child by leaving her with her grandparents on xyz occasions and how our holiday times are a joke because all I do is run with my mates while she left with whoever.

The problem I have is this……I just cannot get the messages out of my head. Even after 6 years, he knows exactly what he needs to say to upset me. I KNOW thats his intention, I KNOW I need to delete and laugh them off, but I just can't. Heres what I do, in exactly this order:
Read them over and over again, respond to them defending myself and sometimes engaging in a slanging match which I then beat myself up about because i have stooped to his level….read the messages over and over, question my parenting, ring my mum and friends, cry my eyes out, ask them if he's right, talk to my partner about it all night long and read and re-read those awful messages/emails again and again. A sort of gloomy silent depression settles over our house when I get these messages. If they come while I'm out at night in a restaurant or wherever….we have to go home because I am so upset. It lasts for days. My partner is so upset by it all because he says that my ex has such a hold on me after all these years and something needs to give.

I think what i'm terrified of is my ex managing to convince my dd in years to come of my perceived failures. What is normal for most people (i.e. leaving her with grandparents while we go out for a night) is being portrayed to her as neglect. I am terrified that he will normalise all these things for her and warp her against me. I question myself all the time….worry that I am a crap mother, that he's right, that I will lose my child to them. He seems to know an awful lot about my life. I can't tell if dd is complaining about me or he is grilling her. She is only 7.

I felt so anxious and stressed about all of this last year that my doc offered me anti-d's. I didn't take them but took herbal ones instead as I want to try and deal with this properly. I am very happy with my partner ( ex even demanded a CRB on him last year) but I live in fear of the next allegation….the next 'complaint' to an official body….the next friendship he destroys. I am ordinarily a strong woman, have a professional career, no history of depression etc, but this has controlled my life. A relative of mine said that I am never going to be free of him, so I need to find a way of managing how I respond to him….so thats why I'm here.

Here are my ideas so far:

1. get a pay as you go and only turn it on once a week for dd to call him on his allotted him. I can't bear to see messages and emails from him coming through to my phone as they make me so so anxious.
2. set up an alternative email address and get my partner to field emails from him/filter them. Check only once a week.
3. get some kind of therapy. I don't know who to approach for this or who I could see- I need someone to help me deal with how i respond to him.

What I would like to know, is can you see any potential pitfalls of going no contact with him? i've resisted it so far because I'm terrified he will need to get hold of me in an emergency and so I will end up checking the phone constantly anyway. I also fear that this is moving our already awful relationship 'down another level'. Can two people raise a child without speaking….ever? I mean we don't text all week usually but we are able to exchange simple messages about her school needs etc. What would I do about these situations? i guess Im trying to say that I've tried in the past to only have this kind of arrangement with him but every time he sends a nasty message, i am back at square one. Going no contact seems to be the only solution….but is it? What else could i do?

Finally, I would love someone to tell me for sure that they will not be successful in convincing my dd that she is being shortchanged by me….but she aready questions my choices. I can see already that she is being worked on and i want to try and stop this. I never ever speak badly about her dad in front of her, but she isn't daft and has picked up on the conflict from the other side ( she tells me for example that she keeps her sm happy by not mentioning my name). I feel so so sorry for her…..is there a therapy of any kind that I could engage her in to show her that she is not being failed in some way by me?

I am SO sorry about the length of this….thanks for getting this far.

Do we have the same ex?

After years of the same he now no longer has my mobile number.

I set up an email just for him for things about ds I.e travel arrangements.

It is easier for me as I have a husband. He has access to the email account, I don't even look. I know ex still sends rambling emails (he doesn't know I don't look at the account) but dh does not engage or respond.

Dh so does all handovers.

Ex h still tries to corner me on the home phone but thankfully these occasions are few and far between.

I feel sorry for him tbh. He can't seem to move on with his life, I seem to be the centre of it still.

I think your plan sounds like a good one.

I second whoever it was who said you should never defend yourself to him. He has shown he won't listen to reason.

Thanks all. Yeah I stupidly defend myself to him....the worst part is that I've now started doing it to dd. She questions my choices and I defend myself to her. We spend every spare minute together but it doesn't seem enough for her. I know she is with her dad 30% of the time but she still complains if I have to do something when she is with me that requires a sitter. She is also now convinced that the holiday we went on wasn't fair on her because she had to go to school to learn the sport for 4 hours a day and reflects back on it as though she was abandoned. She wrote notes to me about it saying she hopes on the next holiday she will actually get to see me. My rational brain knows it's him but inside I feel a bit cross that she is now convinced being taken on a trip of a lifetime was actually a hardship for her and she's dreading the next one.

I was thinking that the cheap payg phone I have will only be switched on once a week to she can call him, but I feel really anxious about emergencies. I doubt he would call me in an emergency anyway - he has form for waiting hours and consulting wife, granny, milkman before me. That said, I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened and I wasn't available to listen.

As for email, my partner is more than happy to filter then. Wish he could do the mid week handover as well but be can't due to work. As for not being able to speak to dd, well he wouldn't let me speak to her last night in a vicious attempt to lash out, such is his controlling nature. I need to remove that control.

Don't know what to suggest about your situation but you can check out counsellors at BACP website.x

And yes, he was so critical and negative when we were together. He ended it when he found now wife. I literally lived in fear of the next criticism. He comes from a very very negative family - you've never seen the likes of it when they are in the same room. They moan and whine and bitch about people constantly. Their favourite conversation is money and will talk for hours about the prove of a coffee in an airport and walk 5 miles for a free parking spot to save 50p. Being around them used to drain me because they sapped the enjoyment out of any pleasurable activity. I have actually started to see traits of it in dd. She has developed a bit of a victim complex and believes everyone and everything has it in for her. I've tried to clamp down on it to be honest because I don't want her to grow up with that negative frame of mind. To be honest though, I have since realised that I used to try and 'please' ex by being down on people or moaning because it was the only sure-fire way to engage him in a conversation. I wonder if dd is doing the same?

You need to have a chat with her, because she may be trying desperately to make her dad happy, so she writes notes to you, as an extension of your EXP control and abuse. Having one parent slagging off another its so damaging, you need to gain control, strength, and then readdress the situation, with your newfound expectations.

Your DD is saying what your ex wants her too, because it hurts you, and i think your DD is insecure and struggles without you. Maybe she needs counselling too, before her dad successfully poisons her.

Your still in the cycle of abuse, and DD is caught up in it, shes trying to please him, and i suspect his wife is also trying to please him.

Hi nocontactforevermore, I'm sorry you're are going through this. Could you contact the police about their text and e-mails? They are obviously causing you lots of distress, it might be a case for harrasment. My local police force has this on their web site:

"If you receive two or more nuisance e-mails/texts that are non violent in nature, this could amount to an offence of harassment (defined below). The word "harassment" does not have a legal definition, but the words alarm, distress or torment are the best words used to describe it."

You sound very disressed and tormented by the bullying actions of this pair and their behaviour seems unbalanced at the very least.

Keep talking to him to a bare minimum of arrangements. Ignore all nasty comments and NEVER defend again. You know you are doing it, now just stop it. Your DP sounds like he has been extremely understanding up to now but if you don't sort this out you could lose him as he has already hinted about the strain. The constant defending will be giving your DP the impression that you still care about what your ex thinks about you. For some reason you appear to care even after 6 years, that could be just habit.
Your DD will soon be approaching the age where she could have her own phone so you can talk to her direct and she can contact you whenever she wants, which takes away the control your ex has enforced over communication.
Don't be mortified by what he does, be unsurprised, you know what he is like surely after all these years. Easily explain away his inappropriate meddling and bullying accusations to your friend as it's just him being a dick and you know its all BS.

Also, block him on your email, block him on your phone (easy if iphone, can block and unblock whenever ). I can't see a reason for you to have kept him. Is there a part of you that can't let go of the drama of it all? A lot of this sounds unnecessary after 6 years, your DP must be a saint to put up with it tbh.

Dear God OP no one should have to put up with this browbeating, it is a form of abuse. Definitely get his emails diverted & screened before you read them, if I knew you in RL I would do it for you myself. Make sure they are saved though & when you have enough evidence take some legal advice.

I am not sure what advice to give about your DD. I would not be happy about the manipulation that is going on. You must be a very nice person not to say anything bad about the pair of them to her, I am not sure I could be quite so restrained if I were in your position.

The notes about the holiday are a bit disturbing, how anyone could twist a holiday of a lifetime into neglect is beyond belief. He sounds quite unhinged.

I am no contact with ex despite having two children who live 50/50 with us both. Fear not, it can be done and I will PM you this evening in detail!

Guys I don't want to give you the impression I'm hearing from him every day. I'm not. What I get from him is a truck load of shit if I disagree with him in some way or point something out (for eg, please don't send dd out in the rain without her winter boots just because you bought them). I never ever make contact with him to start moaning. It will only be brought up after he has sent something and I stupidly try to defend myself or stick up for DD. That will start world war three and what he always always does in those situations is come away from the point in hand and start hurling abuse about what kind of a mother I am. We had words this weekend about clothes and suddenly he is dragging up old ills, past grievances and things that happened years ago. He 'stores' stuff up, so for example this weekend I was regaled with stuff about how dd hated the sporting holiday with me and how I can't even see she's being bullied at school. One thing had bugger all to do with the other but he can't help himself.

To the poster who thinks it's ridiculous that I am affected by this after 6 years....I totally agree with you. Hence the fact that I'm here today. I wish I was a different person. I wish my character was better.
I also agree with you that I am probably on the brink of losing my DP.

He does it to control you, but i think now your actually seeing it properly, and thats a major step to not defending him, talk to your DP, get him on board to support you in, into cutting the power lines, now your seeing it for what it is, your gonna be better prepared to ignore it.

Your not ridiculous either, its hard to break a cycle, theres nothing wrong with you or your parenting, your DD is just doing what she needs to make her dad happy, she doesnt try to make you happy, because she doesnt feel an expectation too, she knows you love her, and you will take the brunt of her frustration because she knows you will always love her.

The survival instinct is to make the bad person happy, and take frustration out on the good one, because we know, the good one will understand.

If you are ridiculous, so am I. It took me about five years to even start getting to a sensible place and like I said, I still have lapses.

Its not remotely ridiculous to find it incredibly hard to move on from an abusive relationship, when you are still stuck with having to deal with the man because you have a child together, so he still gets opportunities to wind you up and cause distress.

Its all about accepting, really accepting that you HAVE to disengage. You cannot change him, you cannot wish him into the decent man you so desperately wanted to believe he was. Don't let him take up any more space in your head.

but you are very far from ridiculous.

Thanks everyone. Kind words.

I've just spoken to dd after school and she is perplexed at the complaints about bullying....really perplexed. She has a tendency as I explained to moan about people about perceived injustices against her, so I can quite well imagine she was moaning about this particular friend but she got upset when i asked her about specific things her dad had relayed and promised me she never said them. I didn't grill her....put it to her as more of a concern that we should get it sorted out if it's true. She got quite teary and I ended up feeling bad but I did gently explain that if she is complaining about friendships, she has to be prepared for the adults in her life to want to do something about it. Hopefully it's a little food for thought about the cycle of negativity she seems to be adopting about other people.

I do believe she never said half the stuff ex said she did, which means he is telling full on lies about things relating to dd in an effort to discredit me and imply I don't know what's going on in her life. I fear he will push dd to end this valuable friendship.

She isn't ready to talk any more tonight so I'll just give out lots of cuddles and talk later in the week. I just want her to know she can trust me, but at the same time gently explain to her that if she has worries (or complaints!) about how I parent her, she needs to talk to me about it as a previous poster said. Obviously I would never tell her not to talk to her dad but I would love to make her see in the kindest way possible,that he will take her words and twist them to beat me with.

Lucius- funny what you say about the keeping the bad one happy. My DP had a very abusive father (and as a result is actually the calmest most gentle person you could ever meet) but he said he spent his entire childhood trying to keep him happy, just to avoid him kicking off.

I wouldn't say at all it's the same with my dd - her dad is gentle with her and she loves to go there. I do think though (if my own experience was anything to go by) that she has picked up on the fact that he loves to be negative about people and he'll always be ready to listen and proffer attention if there's a chance to be down or someone/thing.

Thanks to all who've suggested ways to access the counselling as well btw.

I think you handled that very well OP, hes obviously reading more into she is saying, and he will damage her trust in him, by continuing to twist what she says.

You handling it in the way you did, will send her a message that mummy will understand.

Breaking this cycle of criticism and negativity is something you both can do together, and when shes older, she'll thank you for it.

That is possible why its putting a strain on your relationship with your DP, he obviously recognise some of the same behaviour, your ex uses your DD as a tool to get at you, your DP probably has recognised that.

Lucius it's the clever way they do it that upsets my DP. Dd registry questions my ability to be able to do xyz and that really rankles him (but he wouldn't say anything to her). They don't call me names or anything like that....just slyly make her doubt me.

I think you need to access the resources to help her, theres concern that shes being confused and made to doubt important people in her life, and it needs to be nipped in the bud now, i dont know if you have any more children or planning to have them with your DP, but theres gonna issues there too from your ex, that can further isolate her.

With my abusive ex I endured 4 years of the same sort of crap you describe until I changed my email address, landline number & if a call or text came through from him I completely ignored it. He then tried sending me signed for letters which I refused to sign for & they were returned (ha ha). When he found a new GF after 5 years he backed off but 9 months ago split up from her & has upped the anti again so I am back to ignoring him. We have been split up 9 years!!

Change your email & landline numbers & get a new PAYG just for contact between him & DD & change your personal mobile number & do not give it to him. If there's an emergency he can come & knock on your door can't he? The most powerful thing you can do is ignore him.

I know exactly how you feel and have had to deal with similar - I am also further down the line than you and still go through it but less often! My heart pounds every time I receive a text and occasionally have mild panic attacks dependant on what the ass texts me! This has given me a BIG wake up call - I will NOT give him the satisfaction of anything happening to me and being too unwell to look after my dc's!! I am getting much much better at dealing with him now. My xh is a coward and usually now only has a go via text. I no longer enter into any conversation with him via text unless it is a statement about access. When texts bounce back and forth and you begin defending yourself, the situation becomes ten times worse - so STOP defending yourself. Believe me I've done it many a time thinking why should the shit get away with it! Learn to take a breath, think what an arse and ignore! ONLY reply, like others have said, to questions that are to do with a change etc to access and reply with a single word, yes, no or ok! Ignore further messages if you believe you have answered the question. He will eventually get the message. I have in the past stated if he continues to harass me I will obtain an harassment order. This is usually followed by more abuse and stating he will get one on me (big joke!) but learn again to NOT RESPOND and fuel the fire. Easier said than done but does work with practice. Remember you do not have to speak with the man unless it is to do with access, health, religion or education.

Don't enter into any discussion with his partner, unless an emergency, politely say you will only discuss your dd with her dad.

As for school information - he should be getting his own info direct from school and not via you, so ignore!

He's a fool if he thinks he can turn your dd against you - she will make up her own mind as she gets older. All you can do is stay neutral about him to her, make her feel special and loved and, I'm sure you do already, but find time to give her some good quality time, just the two of you, if that's what she feels she needs.

Go no contact if you want, but don't let him get the better of you - try ignoring and single word or bare minimum responses, remembering no responding any other times and no defending yourself! See how you go with that first - keep at it, it takes time to get the hang of it. Even now I occasionally want to bite and may start to type a huge response but I stop, ask myself what the hell am I doing, delete what I've written - sometimes walk away for a while and then later respond a single word and my god does it feel good that I haven't bitten!!

Good luck :)

My advice to you on top of all that you've decided to do is don't tell him what to do at all ever! Even if it means ruined boots/shoes, dd getting wet just keep schtum.

I would speak to the school about the situation with dds friend, say that her dad seems to think there is a huge bullying thing going on but that is not what dd is telling you.

Agree with RandomMess, you seem ok with him having your DD & she is happy to go so just let them get on with it.

I would keep out of the alleged bullying, if he gets it wrong then it will be him who has fecked up & not you.