anyone gone no contact with an ex despite having children.

[nocontactforevermore]

Hi everyone. I am feeling pretty low tonight and realised that if I don't get help with this aspect of my life, i am going to wreck it, basically.

My ex and I split up years ago and its been very acrimonious. We never married and have one young dd. He has dragged me to court several times and his wife also involves herself in our situation. He uses our dd against me - for example won't let me speak to her on the phone if I've upset him in any way and gives me constant unrelenting grief about the way i parent her. I feel as though he is trying to dismantle every important relationship in her life, he reported her cm to ofsted, told cafcass I was a terrible mother, is always up at the school telling them I'm withholding information from him. His latest thing now is that he has convinced dd her best friend is bullying her and has reported that to the school as well. i get on with her mother really well and am mortified at the fall out it will cause.

I feel completely and utterly depressed by it all. Court proceedings haven't brought us any relief because he constantly attacks my parenting. If we have the slightest disagreement about any normal aspect of parenting - he will bring out the big guns and swing low every time. His court statement was the most horrific slandering of my care of our dd This weekends instalment was about how i left dd with a babysitter and that he wasn't letting me speak to dd on the phone because she didn't want to. He ranted and raved about how unhappy I make our child by leaving her with her grandparents on xyz occasions and how our holiday times are a joke because all I do is run with my mates while she left with whoever.

The problem I have is this……I just cannot get the messages out of my head. Even after 6 years, he knows exactly what he needs to say to upset me. I KNOW thats his intention, I KNOW I need to delete and laugh them off, but I just can't. Heres what I do, in exactly this order:
Read them over and over again, respond to them defending myself and sometimes engaging in a slanging match which I then beat myself up about because i have stooped to his level….read the messages over and over, question my parenting, ring my mum and friends, cry my eyes out, ask them if he's right, talk to my partner about it all night long and read and re-read those awful messages/emails again and again. A sort of gloomy silent depression settles over our house when I get these messages. If they come while I'm out at night in a restaurant or wherever….we have to go home because I am so upset. It lasts for days. My partner is so upset by it all because he says that my ex has such a hold on me after all these years and something needs to give.

I think what i'm terrified of is my ex managing to convince my dd in years to come of my perceived failures. What is normal for most people (i.e. leaving her with grandparents while we go out for a night) is being portrayed to her as neglect. I am terrified that he will normalise all these things for her and warp her against me. I question myself all the time….worry that I am a crap mother, that he's right, that I will lose my child to them. He seems to know an awful lot about my life. I can't tell if dd is complaining about me or he is grilling her. She is only 7.

I felt so anxious and stressed about all of this last year that my doc offered me anti-d's. I didn't take them but took herbal ones instead as I want to try and deal with this properly. I am very happy with my partner ( ex even demanded a CRB on him last year) but I live in fear of the next allegation….the next 'complaint' to an official body….the next friendship he destroys. I am ordinarily a strong woman, have a professional career, no history of depression etc, but this has controlled my life. A relative of mine said that I am never going to be free of him, so I need to find a way of managing how I respond to him….so thats why I'm here.

Here are my ideas so far:

1. get a pay as you go and only turn it on once a week for dd to call him on his allotted him. I can't bear to see messages and emails from him coming through to my phone as they make me so so anxious.
2. set up an alternative email address and get my partner to field emails from him/filter them. Check only once a week.
3. get some kind of therapy. I don't know who to approach for this or who I could see- I need someone to help me deal with how i respond to him.

What I would like to know, is can you see any potential pitfalls of going no contact with him? i've resisted it so far because I'm terrified he will need to get hold of me in an emergency and so I will end up checking the phone constantly anyway. I also fear that this is moving our already awful relationship 'down another level'. Can two people raise a child without speaking….ever? I mean we don't text all week usually but we are able to exchange simple messages about her school needs etc. What would I do about these situations? i guess Im trying to say that I've tried in the past to only have this kind of arrangement with him but every time he sends a nasty message, i am back at square one. Going no contact seems to be the only solution….but is it? What else could i do?

Finally, I would love someone to tell me for sure that they will not be successful in convincing my dd that she is being shortchanged by me….but she aready questions my choices. I can see already that she is being worked on and i want to try and stop this. I never ever speak badly about her dad in front of her, but she isn't daft and has picked up on the conflict from the other side ( she tells me for example that she keeps her sm happy by not mentioning my name). I feel so so sorry for her…..is there a therapy of any kind that I could engage her in to show her that she is not being failed in some way by me?

I am SO sorry about the length of this….thanks for getting this far.

Ex has a lot of stuff in his wife's name as well as having simply not declaring most of the business he gets from his clients to HRM. CSA themselves told me that they have to accept the figures he submits to HRM for tax. Thing is I know from when I was him with that he declares about 5 for every 50 clients he gets and that's on a good day. He also offsets his very fresh air against expenses which means he pays very little if any income tax. This is something he takes pride in btw.

I know from when I was him with that he declares about 5 for every 50 clients he gets and that's on a good day. He also offsets his very fresh air against expenses which means he pays very little if any income tax

Is that why you split?

Couldn't you report him to HMRC if you know that he doesn't put all clients "through the books"?

I would be reporting hiim to the Inland Revenue, they will be interested and have the right to look at all of his financial affairs and demand evidence of how they are supporting their lifestyle and homes when he apparantly earns so little...

If nothing else it will give them something else to obsess and focus on for a while!

NCFM I was in the exact same situation as you and second everyone's advice to ignore, ignore, ignore. Your DD already knows he is a twat and she sees how manipulative he is. When she gets to about 9/10 you will communicate with her on her mobile and online and completely bypass him. He will lose any hold over you and with this power gone you will see a very pathetic creature. My DC are teenagers and just about tolerate their father.

I would advise against setting strict times for phone calls. You are stressing unnecessarily about speaking to her when she is with him. He will look after her from what you say. Try not to worry about emergencies. If there is an emergency you will be called. Enjoy your time when she is with him and focus on yourself and your DP. She will be fine. Do not rise to the bait anymore, just reply to texts saying 'ok'. You are only damaging yourself by trying to make him act like a reasonable person. He isn't and never will be. Stop letting him wreck your life. You can do this!

Mum - no we split because he left for someone else.

Random. - I've been tempted about reporting him but it seems like another level of nastiness we will escalate this mess to. He competes in a national sport at great expense, owns several houses (in wife's name I think), has new car ex, yet pays such an embarrassing pittance. Ironically since he was given shared parenting, he has cut the maintenance twice. Seems like he has misinterpreted the meaning of it.

Sugar - thanks, I am feeling pretty determined this week, this thread has been amazing! Have to say though, set times for calls seems to be the only way I can manage the complete circus he makes out of actually speaking to dd on my time or letting me speak to her on his. I cannot tell you how much he dangles it above me like a carrot, like a power tool. When he is wanting to speak to dd on my time he makes a complete drama out of it, wanting it a certain time that differs from normal/calling when we are out and sending abuse if I say we are busy/threatening more court action for a missed call/ insisting on speaking to her in the middle of restaurants. The thing is...I just can't leave dd to it, because she literally won't speak if I don't help her - she doesn't like talking on the phone and I literally have to put the words in her mouth.

Also, his wife is a very high earner so he will easily be able to explain away his lifestyle.

Unfortunately OP you're not alone in the dodging of being a responsible parent lottery :( Mine claims to have no earnings - and since he's not in this country there's not a lot \I can do about it -- unless I spend a lot of money to take him to court where he lives. Amazing though how he afford fabulous holidays and a house worth several hundreds of thousands of pounds...knobs who will lose out in the ends (if they actually care that is - IME it's all a show really to look like a great guy because their public image is ver ver important to them)

Sounds like he's been a tax dodger for years - rather than it being a deliberate attempt to avoid paying maintenance. I can just imagine his retort if you challenged him on it - something along the lines of how you were happy to benefit from him cheating the system when you were together but suddenly you've developed a conscience!

There will always be individuals who think the rules don't apply to them - if your focus is on developing coping strategies so that you don't let it bother you then you will find yourself a lot happier.

You know, for me, this has actually been a very reassuring thread!

There is something for me in knowing that I am not alone for starters. There are so many familiar things here. The keeping of the clothes, the lack of maintenance. The whole entitled ness of these men.

OP, don't stress about the calls. The others are right, ring her and if he doesn't let you speak to her, tell her you tried when she gets home. I have no issue with my ex calling anytime. He does it because he wants to be outside the court order. Mantra is, if it doesn't really matter then it doesn't really matter.

And yes to the previous poster who asked if my ex is on the list of vexatious litigants!

But the one you see online is for civil proceedings not family. I doubt they could publish names in family cases as it can identify children.

I know it sounds odd but he never actually admitted it to me....he genuinely thinks he's an honest person. His boasting about paying little tax is a way of him saying he earns so little. He never used to actually admit he was a tax dodger....genuinely thinks he is allowed to find ways to say he earns less than he does.

I think a quiet word with the HMRC tax dodging hotline is an excellent one actually. In an age of austerity it's very public-spirited for one. :) It'll divert his attention and give him something more pressing to think about etc. Obviously you have to have some grounds for the bean-spilling but I expect you have examples. Other than that, I would take the attitude that whatever money you get from him is a bonus rather than something you rely on. Take pride in paying your own way and succeeding against the odds.

Thanks cog. My DP doesn't want me to even accept his measly amount, says there's no dignity in it but I'm if the view that it's not us who are lacking in dignity.

Btw, how much is someone saying they earn per week if they only have to pay 25pw in child support? DD goes there half holidays, EoW and one overnight every other week. He also has 2 new children with wife

The 25£ are not for you but for the DC. If you don't want the money yourself, put it into an account for your DD. He's robbing from her, not you.

A quick check of the CSA calculator, for 2 children living at his house, plus an average of 2 nights per week, so up to 103 nights per year, gives £27 per week for a weekly gross income of £300.

I do think you should go CSA just to further disengage. They will be the ones setting up the amounts, and contacting him if there are any problems.

How are things going op

I went as far NC as I could with XW.
Written communication which I would always show to the children.

I'd got the "Daddy doesn't love you" schtick played, and XW lied about arrangements all the time.
I gave the kids the letters so they knew what was agreed.

I'd encourage it.