anyone gone no contact with an ex despite having children.

[nocontactforevermore]

Hi everyone. I am feeling pretty low tonight and realised that if I don't get help with this aspect of my life, i am going to wreck it, basically.

My ex and I split up years ago and its been very acrimonious. We never married and have one young dd. He has dragged me to court several times and his wife also involves herself in our situation. He uses our dd against me - for example won't let me speak to her on the phone if I've upset him in any way and gives me constant unrelenting grief about the way i parent her. I feel as though he is trying to dismantle every important relationship in her life, he reported her cm to ofsted, told cafcass I was a terrible mother, is always up at the school telling them I'm withholding information from him. His latest thing now is that he has convinced dd her best friend is bullying her and has reported that to the school as well. i get on with her mother really well and am mortified at the fall out it will cause.

I feel completely and utterly depressed by it all. Court proceedings haven't brought us any relief because he constantly attacks my parenting. If we have the slightest disagreement about any normal aspect of parenting - he will bring out the big guns and swing low every time. His court statement was the most horrific slandering of my care of our dd This weekends instalment was about how i left dd with a babysitter and that he wasn't letting me speak to dd on the phone because she didn't want to. He ranted and raved about how unhappy I make our child by leaving her with her grandparents on xyz occasions and how our holiday times are a joke because all I do is run with my mates while she left with whoever.

The problem I have is this……I just cannot get the messages out of my head. Even after 6 years, he knows exactly what he needs to say to upset me. I KNOW thats his intention, I KNOW I need to delete and laugh them off, but I just can't. Heres what I do, in exactly this order:
Read them over and over again, respond to them defending myself and sometimes engaging in a slanging match which I then beat myself up about because i have stooped to his level….read the messages over and over, question my parenting, ring my mum and friends, cry my eyes out, ask them if he's right, talk to my partner about it all night long and read and re-read those awful messages/emails again and again. A sort of gloomy silent depression settles over our house when I get these messages. If they come while I'm out at night in a restaurant or wherever….we have to go home because I am so upset. It lasts for days. My partner is so upset by it all because he says that my ex has such a hold on me after all these years and something needs to give.

I think what i'm terrified of is my ex managing to convince my dd in years to come of my perceived failures. What is normal for most people (i.e. leaving her with grandparents while we go out for a night) is being portrayed to her as neglect. I am terrified that he will normalise all these things for her and warp her against me. I question myself all the time….worry that I am a crap mother, that he's right, that I will lose my child to them. He seems to know an awful lot about my life. I can't tell if dd is complaining about me or he is grilling her. She is only 7.

I felt so anxious and stressed about all of this last year that my doc offered me anti-d's. I didn't take them but took herbal ones instead as I want to try and deal with this properly. I am very happy with my partner ( ex even demanded a CRB on him last year) but I live in fear of the next allegation….the next 'complaint' to an official body….the next friendship he destroys. I am ordinarily a strong woman, have a professional career, no history of depression etc, but this has controlled my life. A relative of mine said that I am never going to be free of him, so I need to find a way of managing how I respond to him….so thats why I'm here.

Here are my ideas so far:

1. get a pay as you go and only turn it on once a week for dd to call him on his allotted him. I can't bear to see messages and emails from him coming through to my phone as they make me so so anxious.
2. set up an alternative email address and get my partner to field emails from him/filter them. Check only once a week.
3. get some kind of therapy. I don't know who to approach for this or who I could see- I need someone to help me deal with how i respond to him.

What I would like to know, is can you see any potential pitfalls of going no contact with him? i've resisted it so far because I'm terrified he will need to get hold of me in an emergency and so I will end up checking the phone constantly anyway. I also fear that this is moving our already awful relationship 'down another level'. Can two people raise a child without speaking….ever? I mean we don't text all week usually but we are able to exchange simple messages about her school needs etc. What would I do about these situations? i guess Im trying to say that I've tried in the past to only have this kind of arrangement with him but every time he sends a nasty message, i am back at square one. Going no contact seems to be the only solution….but is it? What else could i do?

Finally, I would love someone to tell me for sure that they will not be successful in convincing my dd that she is being shortchanged by me….but she aready questions my choices. I can see already that she is being worked on and i want to try and stop this. I never ever speak badly about her dad in front of her, but she isn't daft and has picked up on the conflict from the other side ( she tells me for example that she keeps her sm happy by not mentioning my name). I feel so so sorry for her…..is there a therapy of any kind that I could engage her in to show her that she is not being failed in some way by me?

I am SO sorry about the length of this….thanks for getting this far.

I would set a time (when it is likely to be convenient for calls) and say that DD will call HIM at 6 pm if it is convenient. Say that when she is with him you would like to speak to her at 6pm if it is convenient. If it is then not convenient for him, or her or you, the call simply does not happen that day. No big deal. He will probably make sure it isn't convenient for her to call you at 6pm and you may just have to take that on the chin. Having to change the call times around at his convenience is too disruptive of your family life.

HIM not meant to be in capitals there!

Fluffy, good idea about him calling her on my time. He just will not let me speak to her if I suggest a time (control) so I actually get more for not asking at all. The trouble with that option is that I literally watch my phone all day long.
Midwife, great idea but he would categorically 100% take that phone off her. Guaranteed.

I don't think you can arrange a different call time each day and go no contact.

Ok so 6pm is call time both ways & if not convenient or the call is missed never mind, tomorrow's another day. So what. Bite me.

Does the court order specify that your DD calls him?

Why should she?

ExH calls DS if Skype is not available. Or nothing.

And the best is to determine a set time and day of the week, so that you know DD has to be free and he knows to expect or make a call. If he doesn't answer, he can call back or she'll contact him at the next set date. It's not that hard. It ensures minimal contact regarding the times.

My ex was exactly the same , if he could destroy me he would and still after seven years! As afraid as I would I've finally gone no contact at all , that was because I had reached my final line of abuse from him , is just had enough , I wasn't sleeping , was either angry or upset or anxious , then my children suffered . He can't touch me now I've shown the abyss ice texts to the police and it's done . The thing I never expected was the utter calm that's come over all of us , we are creating our own memories as a family and it's actually lovely , the children are happy because I am . He won't like it but my advice is to block block him . Any contact will make you feel bad and then you hv to recover yet again . Does he deserve your head space ? I think not , that space is your space to think how do I want my life and how can I create it x

Excuse the crap spelling bloody phone x

How to set things up in a 'wing-clipping' way will require clear instructions e.g. 'You can call DD only between the hours of X and Y on number 07777 222222'. 'When DD is staying with you, I shall call her at X o'clock for a short conversation'.

Be unambiguous (no suggestion that these are flexible arrangements or up for discussion) set them out in writing once and, if you feel it would add extra weight, have them checked by or sent from a solicitor. Then all you do is stick to the instructions to the letter even if it causes you some inconvenience. Outside the contact hours the phone number you have given him is switched off (no sitting by the phone), you don't engage in any extra conversation and you keep a record of any communication such as nasty e-mails, texts or voice messages that result from the restriction.

When in a power struggle, it's important to make the boundaries crystal clear, even if it is at some cost to yourself.

Thank you again everyone. Yes there's a contact order for telephone contact. As I've said, it's my fault we even have one because I asked for it. He never used to let me speak to her so I thought it would be a good thing. He never used to call her in between visits but since the order he calls religiously. Trouble is he makes a song and dance about it.
Fluffy yes I agree about nc not working if call times are flexible so as you've suggested (and cognito!) I'll be sending one message to say what time dd will call. If he doesn't answer I'll get her to leave a voicemail (helps me as well for his 'log' about my breaching the order) and then I'll leave the phone on for 30 min to allow him to call back. It will be switched off after that until the following week.

Perfect

Sounds great. And if you'll forgive me for being ultra-pendantic.... ... use very definite, unambiguous words in your message like 'will' and 'shall' rather than anything even slightly conciliatory. 'The phone will be on between these times. I shall speak to DD on the telephone as per the contact order' etc.

God cognito.....sounds like you know a man like him! You're spot on to be honest. I know I still won't get to speak to my dd on his time, he's far less afraid of the order than I am. He's clever enough to cover himself though and despite achieving is goal of not letting us talk, he will appear to have tried. I on the other hand will get a shit load of abuse about his class with dd. As you guys say though, he will be told in advance what time dd will call....there will be a half hour window and if he doesn't take it, he doesn't take it. If he demands to speak to her the next night, do I arrange that? (CO is for every other day)
X

I'm really glad you've had good advice on here and I so hope it works out practically and that you start living your life free of his scrutiny he is a complete arse!

You stick to the agreement. So if it's every other day and he misses his slot, he has to wait until the next slot comes around. Any demands will fall on deaf ears because the designated phone will be switched off until the next slot and he won't have any other way to get in touch.... yes? :)

It's petty and pedantic but, when dealing with an unreasonable person, you have to play it 100% by the book and offer no wiggle-room or they will argue every sodding point. 'Not negotiable' is your new catchphrase.

NO!

Is your ex my ex?!

You've had advice here, you set the rules and he has to stick to them. You know he won't in his time but you can control what happens at yours

It sounds like your ex does what mine does: emails me accusing me of doing EXACTLY what he's doing. It's frustrating and upsetting because you read it and think 'but that's YOU!

It's called projecting I think. So if I've not put acceptable (to him) clothes for them, he'll accuse me if not providing their basic needs! He pays no child support either. So I now just laugh at it

You're doing so much better than when you started thus thread, you don't have to be perfect and seeing as you could never achieve what he considers to be perfect, you can relax and parent how you wish to

It's all about control, so whilst he feels you are taking any if his accusations seriously, he has all the control

Isn't it interesting that these men don't pay decent child maintenance & yet complain about how we provide for them!

Indeed Themidwife
Maybe it's a way if justifying it to themselves somehow?
To be accused of not providing the dc with tier basic needs at HIS house is pretty much saying in responsible in his eyes for providing everything. He knows that it's him not providing anything, so accuses me of exactly that

No. I still don't get it! I don't try any more!!

The maintenance issue is a disgrace to be honest. They have fantastic jobs and multiple houses, yet pays £25pw. For years I let that go because I could not bear to beg him for money. He also holds me responsible for providing stuff on his days like school uniform. He will buy her a coat once a year and she has clothes at his that he bought, but he takes them off her back before she gets here, rain or shine. He has sent her to school with no coat before now as he's terrified I'll get my hands on it. Remarkably, the clothes I send dd in end up in a black hole, never to be seen again. This included brand new never-worn Xmas clothes etc. that'll be something I will struggle not to bring up in an email to him but I am determined to let all that go. I simply send a polite request asking for her new clothes back and he always always always without fail denies having said clothes and attacks me about a cardigan I 'owe' him) He refers to dd's stuff as 'his'. Eg.....give me back my tights/dress. Very telling IMO. I imagine he won't have much success attempting to strip a 12yr dd of any possessions he bought her before she comes back to my house.

I am definitely getting the phone call issue sorted. I actually feel quite cheerful about it. In my head I now have it straight that he will get a window of time to call and if he doesn't he misses the slot. There won't be 23 texts before or after to organise it all. On my time, I'll call her at the time I've said and if he doesn't call I'll leave a message. I know he'll try to call back a few hours later when it's on 'his' terms but I won't have the phone on. DD will understand all this in time.

Thanks everyone!

Good for you op!
Now THAT is the frame of mind you need. And don't let him wear you down again.

My ex is the same. £33pw, no clothes shoes or extras ever & doesn't go to any parents evenings or school shows. Sees her 2 nights a month from 7pm to 6pm unless he's away & he cancels. And yet he bought her a mobile & if she doesn't leave it on all the time bollocks her & me for "stopping contact between them". I switch it off every night at 7 now because he texted her at 1am once. She's 9!

Cannot not ask the CSA to go to departures, that his declared income doesn't match his lifestyle? Worked very well for me!

Depends whether you can be prepared to go through the grief with such an arse of an ex though.

What do they do Random?
Interested as ex isn't even having the £5 a week taken out if his benefits now, yet is able to spend £250 on each child for Xmas

I was on the original way of child maintenance being assessed rather than the fixed 15% "new" way and I don't know if that makes difference.

I just phoned up up the CSA and said I struggled to believe his declared income was correct as his professions is x y z his self declared hobbies are a b c and he can afford a house...

The CSA did the rest but twice it was about to court before ex conceded and paid/provided the documentation they wanted.