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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dysfunctional sex life (TMI Alert)

146 replies

galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 19:21

I love DH we have a wonderful marriage in every respect except our sex life. I am being torn apart by his 'issues' with sex and I can feel resentment growing inside me as time goes by.
I have a full and healthy sex drive whilst he has little and some, as I see it, psycho-sexual issues.
Here goes (TMI Alert).
Once a week we have 'sex'. This consists of me giving him full oral without a condom until he's done. This he enjoys and gives him all the sexual fulfilment he needs. Then it's my turn. He won't have full sex with me as he finds the whole idea distasteful, he won't give me oral or touch me intimately for the same reason so I then pleasure myself. Then we cuddle. I feel I zm in a sexless marriage but he is not. I'm 44 and this has been it for the last 10 years. No element of my sex drive is being fulfilled by this. I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment. A few weeks ago I had the chance of a one night stand. I turned it down. What I would like to know is How wired is this How mean is DH being and How wrong would I have been if I had had the ONS? Any other comments would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 01/12/2013 19:22

Why did you marry this man if he was so sexually dysfunctional?

I would look for a lover, if I were you.

BOF · 01/12/2013 19:23

Have you ever talked to him about this? Or suggested therapy?

RandomMess · 01/12/2013 19:24

I don't understand why you are giving him sexual fulfilment when he won't for you?

Why aren't you getting him in the mood and then encouraging him to push his boundaries a little?

BOF · 01/12/2013 19:25

Sod the lover idea- how very old-fashioned! Either you get some sex therapy together, or you break up. It's no way to live.

QueenQueenie · 01/12/2013 19:26

What happens when you tell him how you feel? Have you told him, honestly and calmly how you feel and how upset you are about this?
Is it really a wonderful marriage from your point of view when your sexual needs are wholly unmet in this relationship?
Do you have dcs?Do you want dcs?
Have things always been like this sexually or have things "evolved" to where they are now? Why did you marry him?!
Sorry for the barrage of ?s but I think we need more info.

jadeddazedandconfused · 01/12/2013 19:27

I have no advice but have been in a similarly mismatched situation for a similar amount of time. I presume you have kids and that's why you put up with it? I kept telling myself that if everything else is good then sex isn't so important, I thought I must be very base and oversexed but I'm sure now that it's normal to want healthy sex and to feel desired.
I hope that you are able to sort it out either with him or alone.

tweetytwat · 01/12/2013 19:28

That sounds pretty awful and lonely for youSad
and sorry to ask but is he definitely heterosexual?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 01/12/2013 19:28

Distasteful? Can you elaborate?

Putitonthelist · 01/12/2013 19:30

Wow - are you actually saying that you've NEVER had full sex and he has NEVER given you oral sex? This is not normal on any level - have you spoken about this?

joblot · 01/12/2013 19:31

God why give him an orgasm if he won't oblige back? That's totally unfair. He sounds horribly selfish.

Talking and therapy, plus no sexual servicing would be my suggestions

Overcooked · 01/12/2013 19:31

Do you think he might be gay and afraid to come out?

Twinklestein · 01/12/2013 19:31

I think definitely stop doing it for him if he doesn't return the favour.

He might see the whole issue differently if didn't get his rocks off once a week. At the moment he has everything he wants thank you very much & you're the one left without.

Bonsoir · 01/12/2013 19:32

Why pay for and endure sex therapy when you can have a lover for free and sort the problem much more easily?

DownstairsMixUp · 01/12/2013 19:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

justtoomessy · 01/12/2013 19:35

You realise he is most probably gay don't you?

Original poster
galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 19:37

The situation has evolved over time. We did have sex a few times. He said he was ill, under stress so full sex was off the menu temporarily, or so I thought. I kept faith with him thinking the lack of proper sex was temporary and would change. In the meantime I fell in love and built a life with.
I can't leave because of money kids and emotional attachment. Please believe when I say he is a great husband he cares for me so much. He says he feels guilty but then doesn't do anything about it.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 01/12/2013 19:38

That's horrendous. I don't know how you have tolerated that for 10 years. My first thought was the same as Messy - could he be gay?

Mosschops30 · 01/12/2013 19:39

Very sad for you Hmm
Agree with what others have said, he's getting everything he wants whilst giving nothing back.
He has some issues which need resolving before you decide to continue or leave this marriage

Original poster
galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 19:40

If I did stop I don't think he'd mind. It would mean what little I have would stop.
Would I be so wrong to have a lover?

OP posts:
TippiShagpile · 01/12/2013 19:42

Are you happy with the status quo?

Bonsoir · 01/12/2013 19:42

No. Having a lover would open your eyes and heart and feelings and help you understand your relationship with your DH and whether or not it has a future.

BOF · 01/12/2013 19:42

He's got you over a barrel then and not in a good way, hasn't he? He has no incentive to either be honest with you or to work to resolve the situation if he knows you won't countenance ending the relationship. And he is not behaving in a loving way.

Taking a lover would be lazy and reckless- people get hurt, and that would include you.

Come on, woman up and address this properly. You are allowing him to treat you in the most appalling way.

Only1scoop · 01/12/2013 19:42

I don't think I could go through that weekly ritual Op....feel for you. Sounds like he has some deeply seated issues Hmm

HorsePetal · 01/12/2013 19:42

If he really feels guilty about the situation and is as wonderful as you say then he won't object to counselling - will he?

Ask him what he prefers - counselling, or you finding a lover?

Fairylea · 01/12/2013 19:42

To me it sounds so extreme that I really think he needs some counselling. Was he abused as a child or anything like that? Somewhere along the line he seems to have learnt that sex is disgusting and that it is not associated with love. I wonder where he has got that idea from?