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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dysfunctional sex life (TMI Alert)

146 replies

galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 19:21

I love DH we have a wonderful marriage in every respect except our sex life. I am being torn apart by his 'issues' with sex and I can feel resentment growing inside me as time goes by.
I have a full and healthy sex drive whilst he has little and some, as I see it, psycho-sexual issues.
Here goes (TMI Alert).
Once a week we have 'sex'. This consists of me giving him full oral without a condom until he's done. This he enjoys and gives him all the sexual fulfilment he needs. Then it's my turn. He won't have full sex with me as he finds the whole idea distasteful, he won't give me oral or touch me intimately for the same reason so I then pleasure myself. Then we cuddle. I feel I zm in a sexless marriage but he is not. I'm 44 and this has been it for the last 10 years. No element of my sex drive is being fulfilled by this. I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment. A few weeks ago I had the chance of a one night stand. I turned it down. What I would like to know is How wired is this How mean is DH being and How wrong would I have been if I had had the ONS? Any other comments would be appreciated.

OP posts:

PoshPenny · 01/12/2013 19:43

I think I would be looking to find a lover.

joblot · 01/12/2013 19:47

Yeah dead simple boffing someone else. Never causes problems in a relationship.

Jesus if you love one another, sort it out. If it's not sortable, end it. Deception and screwing around are not good things. They won't make it ok, just offer some temporary distraction

FreakinScaryCaaw · 01/12/2013 19:48

I had years of this with exdh. Not exactly the same but he wasn't into sex. He hasn't met anyone else since I left 7 years ago. But I have found evidence he may be gay? He's very repressed sexually.

We've remained good friends and both parented equally for so long until I moved now he has dcs at the weekend.

Dp even gets on with exdh.

TheHippywhowearsLippy · 01/12/2013 19:49

You obviously want a lover as you have asked twice now. Honestly you don't need to take a lover you need to wake up and realise that this man is probaly gay. This is not normal in any way, you need to ask him out right what's really going on? although from this terrible situation I would say you don't need valadiation.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 01/12/2013 19:51

But...he's not a good husband, he's a rotten one! His behaviour would be a total deal breaker for me. You may not want to leave him so you must do whatever makes you happy. If this means taking a lover so be it but he can hardly get antsy about it in these circumstances! Knowing that you are not happy about this but not being arsed to do something about it would speak volumes to me in 25 foot high neon flashing letters!

RedLondonBus · 01/12/2013 19:52

Kids and money is no reason to stay with this kind of man.

BOF · 01/12/2013 19:54

This must have really eroded your self-esteem to get to the point where you want to shag randoms. Come on, don't you deserve a full life with a husband who desires you?

UptheChimney · 01/12/2013 19:54

Is he gay really but can't quite admit it to himself or you?

Facebaffle · 01/12/2013 20:00

Why are you giving him a weekly blow job? What pleasure are you getting from it, knowing that you have to sort yourself out afterwards?

Original poster

galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 20:02

I don't believe he's gay I believe he's asexual. I have sometimes asked about him doing more. He gets very tearful, says he feels like a useless husband, things get a bit better for a while (although he still won't actually do any more) then things just get back to normal.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 01/12/2013 20:03

Some people just don't like sex gay or straight, and not all gay couples have full sex anyway.

I think he should have been honest with you from the start.

I agree with joblot infidelity is not a sensible solution, because you're likely to end up losing him, which is not what you want.

MarmaladeBatkins · 01/12/2013 20:04

Bonsoir, can I just point out that if a man posted a thread, I doubt very much any of us would be telling him to shag someone else.

Twinklestein · 01/12/2013 20:04

xpost with the OP, I agree.

lifeissweet · 01/12/2013 20:05

It would really worry me that he finds it such an effort to make this better for you. If he gets upset and feels guilty, but seems unable to change anything that would ring big alarm bells for me. It's not fair to make you stay monogomous if he has no interest in sex and you need to decide whether you stay or not. I don't think you're going to change him.

Twinklestein · 01/12/2013 20:06

Is Bonsoir for real? She was on another thread telling a poster with a very difficult husband that she shouldn't leave him. Apparently infidelity is fine but divorce is not.

MomentForLife · 01/12/2013 20:09

I don't think he can be asexual if he wants you to pleasure him?

It sounds like he's gay to me or has some huge issue with sex/women.

dopeysheep · 01/12/2013 20:10

Agree with lifeissweet. He won't change, you can't make him want exciting sex (or any sex). I think.you either accept that this is all there is or you leave.

BOF · 01/12/2013 20:10

He doesn't sound asexual if he's happy to put you through that farce of a sexual encounter on a regular basis.

RedLondonBus · 01/12/2013 20:11

Who initiates this weekly fumble?

Megglevache · 01/12/2013 20:14

What would happen if you asked if he'd mind if you took a lover?

I dont think cheating on him behind his back is the answer.

Twinklestein · 01/12/2013 20:19

Asexual is a broad term - it can mean sexual desire is completely absent, but it can also just mean it's low. If he's ok with sexual relief but doesn't like full sex, he could conceivably come under that heading.

Original poster

galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 20:20

He always instigated I feel out of obligation to me.
He would me mortified If I mentioned having a lover.

OP posts:

Corygal · 01/12/2013 20:21

To get pompous about it, you're not even really married - if you don't have sex (and never had) you could get the marriage annulled.

But for now, you need to talk to DH calmly, laying out the options as above.

I don't see there's any evidence he's asexual - he's asking you for sexual gratification for himself which is hardly the action of a man who isn't interested. It's just he doesn't do anything for you.

LouiseAderyn · 01/12/2013 20:24

I'd be inclined to mention getting a lover, to see if it sparked any action from him wrt fixing this situation or him being entirely honest about his feelings.

dopeysheep · 01/12/2013 20:26

He'd be mortified? Right oh. You are supposed to put up with him finding sex distasteful, but you aren't allowed to do anything about it.
I don't know if a lover is the right path but you can't go on like this.

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