Dysfunctional sex life (TMI Alert)

[galgaf14]

I love DH we have a wonderful marriage in every respect except our sex life. I am being torn apart by his 'issues' with sex and I can feel resentment growing inside me as time goes by.
I have a full and healthy sex drive whilst he has little and some, as I see it, psycho-sexual issues.
Here goes (TMI Alert).
Once a week we have 'sex'. This consists of me giving him full oral without a condom until he's done. This he enjoys and gives him all the sexual fulfilment he needs. Then it's my turn. He won't have full sex with me as he finds the whole idea distasteful, he won't give me oral or touch me intimately for the same reason so I then pleasure myself. Then we cuddle. I feel I zm in a sexless marriage but he is not. I'm 44 and this has been it for the last 10 years. No element of my sex drive is being fulfilled by this. I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment. A few weeks ago I had the chance of a one night stand. I turned it down. What I would like to know is How wired is this How mean is DH being and How wrong would I have been if I had had the ONS? Any other comments would be appreciated.

[loopylou6]

Thanks for the explanation :)

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Gay. Can you bring up the Tom Daley thing in conversation and see how he reacts? Maybe even say "see, I've quite often whether you might have some latent feelings towards men....."

Either that or there are some very hidden issues from his past that have affected him? sexual abuse by a female? It does happen unfortunately.

[Chibbs]

i

[galgaf14]

Thank you for your kind words,support and wisdom. I don't know what I'll do I need to take time to think about it. I do now know how unfair this situation is. He really is a lovely man. He came home tonight with flowers for me for no reason and wants to if my mother wants to come away on holiday with us as my dad died last year and she's on her own. I don't know if I would ever fond another man as lovely as him.

[PosyNarker]

That sounds awful OP. Doesn't it feel a bit wrong performing a sex act on someone who won't reciprocate? (I think I would find it a bit degrading, but I am not you, so don't want to project).

Do you kiss, cuddle and hold hands or does he keep you at a distance? I guess what I'm saying is what moves him from 'dear friend' / 'close flatmate' / 'love like a brother' into partner territory?

I'm afraid I'm with the others who think he might be gay. Even if he tends towards asexual, why can he compromise (and enjoy) you pleasuring him but not use a vibrator on you or something so that you also get enjoyment. I would have thought someone asexual would be less interested in getting themselves off and more willing to compromise on something to keep their (non-asexual) partner happy

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Well I just think he owes it to you to find an explanation as to why he's like this, be that an admission that he's gay, or an agreement to attend therapy. Otherwise your marriage is just a sham.

If he can admit he's gay, or find out the deep-seated psyhological reason why he's like this, then at least all cards are on the table and you can actually go ahead with a choice of how you want to proceed (or not) with the marriage based on what you know to be fact. All this burying your heads in the sand is not going to solve anything. You may as well face it NOW and DEAL with it instead of trying to pretend it doesn't matter, as it clearly does. Your self-esteem must be at rock bottom. I know mine would be.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

You haven't mentioned anythig about his sexual history. Previous girlfriends etc? You must have talked about that? And how did you meet? It all just seems so.....odd.

[Varigatedivy]

Has it ever occurred to you that he brings flowers and is so 'lovely' to you to compensate for being shit in bed? It's staring me in the face so I don't see how you can't see it too!

This is what men with sexual issues do. Believe me- I had one, an ex.
They compensate by being 'nice' so that you form an emotional bond which makes it hard to break away. Not saying they do it intentionally, but they are filling a gap ( but not the right gap:))

You need to stop tip toeing about him and avoiding confrontation. It's as much your fault as anyone's for allowing this to go on for so long without really talking about it openly.

I'd give him several options but all with a timescale such as 2 weeks to sort one of them:

• go and seek help via his GP or a counsellor
• go for sexual therapy via Relate or a private sex therapist
• accept that your marriage is a sham ( flat mates living under the same roof in effect) and you are entitled to take a lover

-you separate now IF he admits to being gay- or you carry on living with him if you choose to but have lovers.

[wontletmesignin]

It sounds like he is getting what he wants, but you arent. Very selfish of him imo.

The first thing that came to me was 'is he gay?'
Really...and possibly in denial.

I agree what others have said and would stop giving him what he wants, until he is prepared to return the favour.
I am really shocked you have put up with this for so long!

I feel for you. It must be awful for you

[AnyFuckersfrogslegs35]

I'm another that's thinking Gay, sorry OP but the fact he won't be intimate with you as he finds it 'distasteful' would really ring alarm bells for me.

It doesn't look very good from what you say usually happens if you raise the subject but you're obviously looking for advice, so here's what I'd do -

Stop the bj's - no way I'd still be doing it.
Tell him things are not working.
Demand counselling, if that's what you want.
Inform him you've thought about/ are thinking of taking a lover to meet your sexual needs.
If nothing changes then leave him.

Nothing could make me spend my life this way, nothing.
You deserve a bloody medal for putiing up with it for so long.

[AnyFuckersfrogslegs35]

Should have also added, I'd be tempted to sit him down and calmly speak to him about and possibly ask him outright if he thinks he could be gay.

[intheduskwiththelightbehindher]

I think he's gay too, so sorry.

[FluffyJumper]

My first thought was that he is gay. It is unusual for a heterosexual man to find sex 'distasteful'. He night find it dull, or he can't be bothered, or he's too tired or he's lost interest. But 'distasteful'? Not so much.

[garlicbaubles]

You could have a sexless marriage. More couples do than you would guess - it'd be like living with your best friend, kind of thing. What you really mustn't do is what you are doing! You're 'servicing' him with no hope or intent of reciprocation. That's a dreadful imbalance of power, leaving aside his distaste for your sex organs which makes it worse.

I would have said I couldn't live in a sexless relationship. You may feel the same way but, in reality, you already are. These days I'm entirely single, haven't had sex for yeeears, and rarely miss it. It could be possible for you two to knock the sex thing on the head altogether, but I imagine it would take some counselling to arrive at that contentedly.

I don't know whether he's gay, a repressed paedophile, animal lover, asexual or something else. Sexuality's a weird thing, but it was cruel & selfish of him to allow you to think he wanted sex with you until you were 'caught'.

The things I am sure of are that you must stop providing one-way gratification, and you must talk.

[MiniMonty]

OP - you need to get to the bottom of his problem. Could be abuse from years ago, could be that he's shy about admitting to his fetish (whatever that is), could be that he is actually gay and finds the idea difficult to confront (unlikely to be honest) - could be any number of things but you can't just go on and on with the status quo...

As a bloke I know that I could never become fully involved with a woman who I didn't want to have sex with and I wouldn't expect (or want) a woman who didn't want the same to become involved, committed to or invested in me. For me, and I think most people, sex is a fairly big part of the jigsaw. At present you are giving him his jollies via a good blow job once a week while he buys flowers. Hmmm... It's either sex both ways or no sex. A one sided sexual relationship will, wether you are explicitly aware of it or not, spill over into other areas of your relationship and you will end up being on the wrong end of it.

Get drunk together - smoke a bit of weed - whatever it takes to loosen his tongue (forgive the pun) and let the talk wander into new territory about him, his desire, turn ons, needs - and see where it goes. If he knows you're 'on his side' he will open up to you and you may discover a way to re-ignite a sexual flame in him or at least discover where the problem lies. This will take more than one attempt ! Trust in this sort of area takes a while to establish even within a long term relationship.

Try it and see if you can get somewhere. If you can't then I have to be honest and say that I would start looking for a way to bring things to a dignified end.

The notion of 'taking a lover' is spurious and only good for novels and bad TV. A "bit on the side" will go horribly wrong and if you find yourself single in weeks or months you can have as many lovers as you like guilt free and with no recriminations. But try to fix things first because it sounds like you love a decent man who has a problem which can probably be addressed.

[roz1982]

I am open mouthed at your op post, galgaf, I can't believe you are putting up with this. His response that he finds sex with you and pleasuring you distasteful must be absolutely destroying your confidence and self esteem.

I don't know what else to suggest if you say you won't leave him. I'm not sure sex therapy is the answer, I suppose it might be if he agrees to go...I'm honestly not convinced though. Good luck. Perhaps get some counselling for yourself to help you see things more clearly and make a decision?

[roz1982]

It really bothers me that he doesn't find oral sex FOR HIM distasteful. This is just wrong on so many levels.

[Darkesteyes]

Mini So no to taking a lover but yes to smoking a bit of weed Really? Weed will not help a situation like this.

[garlicbaubles]

I read Monty's post as suggesting ways to get H to open up verbally, Darkest. Let's face it, anything's worth a try!

[Varigatedivy]

weed's illegal, taking a lover isn't.

I don't agree with you MiniMonty. There are sexless marriages where one party has agreed that the other can have sexual partners outside of the marriage- maybe where there is ill health or disability preventing sex within the marriage.

If the Op's marriage is as 'wonderful' as she says then this may be a workable solution. It's not without its drawbacks of course but a civilised situation where one party gets their sexual satisfaction elsewhere is not be be sniffed at- it does work for some couples.

What is not right is that the DH is getting some kind of sexual favours but is not returning them and doesn't seem to give a toss about his wife.

I hope you find a solution OP.

[garlicbaubles]

"Taking a lover" - what does that even mean? Either you shag around a bit with (probably married & cheating) assorted randoms, or you develop a relationship with somebody, which will be unsatisfying as you're 'with' your husband not them. Or one develops into the other, and it's even more complicated. Misery all round.

Successful open marriages have strict rules, often necessitating broken hearts and hurt feelings. There's always a human being on the other end of sex, you know, it's not a disposable commodity. Galgaf says her husband's getting a one-way deal from her; how likely is he to agree with her setting up a profile on EasyShag.com?

If OP genuinely wants to stay in her marriage, there's a lot of real talking to be done - with a man who's got more to lose than she - and some hard decisions to be made.

[projectbabyweight]

My first thought was previous abuse. Really hope you can work it out OP.

[Varigatedivy]

Garlic- there are other ways of having a relationship other than monogamy/marriage.

Taking a lover in this situation is surely no different from FWB or one night stands. Both of those have drawbacks.

I wonder how you feel about a marriage where a partner has a disability and gives the other permission to have sex with other people? Just asking.

[Dallasty]

Hi, OP. Sorry to read about your situation, but..........I'm a gay man and before I had the guts to come out properly, I was in an LTR relationship with a girl. I'm sorry to say that this exact scenario took place on regular occasion between us. Eventually, I was honest with her, we split up and stayed very good friends. She was understanding. Now, I'm not saying that this is the case here, but it sure looks possible. I hope you manage to resolve things.