Dysfunctional sex life (TMI Alert)

[galgaf14]

I love DH we have a wonderful marriage in every respect except our sex life. I am being torn apart by his 'issues' with sex and I can feel resentment growing inside me as time goes by.
I have a full and healthy sex drive whilst he has little and some, as I see it, psycho-sexual issues.
Here goes (TMI Alert).
Once a week we have 'sex'. This consists of me giving him full oral without a condom until he's done. This he enjoys and gives him all the sexual fulfilment he needs. Then it's my turn. He won't have full sex with me as he finds the whole idea distasteful, he won't give me oral or touch me intimately for the same reason so I then pleasure myself. Then we cuddle. I feel I zm in a sexless marriage but he is not. I'm 44 and this has been it for the last 10 years. No element of my sex drive is being fulfilled by this. I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment. A few weeks ago I had the chance of a one night stand. I turned it down. What I would like to know is How wired is this How mean is DH being and How wrong would I have been if I had had the ONS? Any other comments would be appreciated.

[beaglesaresweet]

and how do you know, OP, that he will be mortified about you getting a lover? he may act it, but really he's likely to see at as a blessing as he can then stop pretending. Sounds like even BJs are something he allows you rather than he really wants them. If's he is actually adult, he should allow you an open marriage, I suppose if he wants to live in closet it's his personal right, but then he should be happy to agree to your sexual freedom. Needless to say, if he is gay, there is no point in counselling!

[PenguinDancer]

He can be asexual and enjoy a blow job He isn't necessarily gay.

I would leave over a terrible sex life I'm afraid

[Flibbertyjibbet]

He instigates himself getting a blow job but gives you absolutely nothing in return? How does he get you in the mood for giving bjs if he finds any intimate touching to be distasteful.

I just could not keep giving someone a bj if I then had to see to myself after he's been satisfied. He gets all upset because he does not want to talk about it. I'm another one wondering if he is gay, because he can't be asexual if he instigates you giving him a blow job.

And yes its a sex act, but you are not having sex.

I feel for you, I really do. I think your husband is incredibly selfish. You say you have children, are they his?

[galgaf14]

No the children are mine from a previous marriage.

[ancientbuchanan]

Go for psychosexual counselling. Insist on it.

He is being extremely selfish and it is not going to get better for you.

You may not like what you discover, eg gay, porn fixated, but you prob need to know. Once you do, you can make adult choices.

[ThatVikRinA22]

when you have tried to speak with him about the lack of fulfillment what does he actually say?

so far im getting that it makes him feel bad, so you stop talking, but he keeps getting a weekly blow job while you get the sex life of a single woman??
how is that NOT selfish?
having an affair is definitely not the answer - i think you have to give an ultimatum and actually mean it - he needs to start being honest with you. im struggling with why you are putting up with this, you need to be stronger - i get that you crave intimacy and so give him the weekly BJ....but what happens when that stops? have you tried? has he ever told you why he finds touching a woman in any way sexually is "distasteful"? why does he not find you giving BJs distasteful?

you are being an absolute doormat - why should he change? he is getting his isnt he?
you need a very frank and honest talk about this and how its making you feel.
and if he knows, and does nothing to alter it, then you have your answers about what you mean to him. i would stop giving him any intimacy at all until what ever his problem is is out in the open.

[GoodnessKnows]

The gay thing came to my mind, too.

[bunchoffives]

I think you need to put aside any thought of changing his attitude to sex (and stop the demeaning bjs) and then try to have a conversation with him about how he feels.

What comes across from your replies is that you don't really know what's going on in his head. You try to talk, he gets upset, so that closes down the conversation?

Shift the focus from your feelings and needs, to his. You might then have some idea of how you could both tackle this problem and if he is willing to face up to it and get some help to address it. Or it might be that he won't do anything and then you will know your alternatives - to accept this is it, consider a lover, or leave.

[BumgrapesofWrath]

Sorry, I'm another poster who thinks he's probably gay. I wwould have a look at his computer history to see if there is any evidence of gay porn use

[ZombieMonkeyButler]

I'm so sorry OP. I thought from your first post that your DP may be gay. Reading the thread has just confirmed that belief.

[Lazyjaney]

10 years is too long to put up with this lack of sex. Tell him his New Years Resolution is to show evidence of wanting to shape up or you are going to get a lover. He can be as mortified and tearful as he likes, but all his avoiding the subject and doing nothing about it for 10 years is bollocks.

[Darkesteyes]

If he refuses to do anything about it AND refuses to give the green light to you having a lover ,he is being controlling and abusive.

[Spongingbobsunderpants]

I'm sorry OP, he does sound gay, whether he realises it yet himself or not. I was in a relationship like this when I was in my twenties and it took me a good few years to come to that realisation. I heard from his parents (who I loved) not that long ago and they were clearly trying to avoid telling me until I asked them outright. He had been in total denial but his behaviour and reactions to me made total sense in context. He always liked the more emotionless type of sexual contact, if at all. After trying to initiate sex after a couple of months without, he called me a 'sexpest' and I knew something was very wrong.

I feel very bitter about the relationship - not because he was gay, but because he made me think it was something I was doing that was wrong. He still does not have a lasting partner to this day, and I just think he is one of life's sad individuals who never really work out where they can be happy .

[Darkesteyes]

Sponging he basically "shamed" you for having needs. Thats mysogyny.

[Joysmum]

If you want to make this work then you both need to talk, or at least, you need to get him to talk. You need to work out what the issues are do that you can begin to work through them.

Personally though, I certainly wouldn't be giving him a BJ until I'd got satisfaction first. By him cumming first he's satisfied and won't be as interested in your satisfaction, whether it's you masturbating or with his help.

I certainly wouldn't be taking a lover unless he's in agreement as cheating won't help your marriage and yet you say it's a good marriage apart from the sex.

[Darkesteyes]

Joy The marriage vows work both ways.
"keep you only unto him" seems to be the one everyone is keen to adhere to.

"with my body i thee worship".....not so much.
And i DONT mean the temporary cessation of sex after a baby. Many ppl have been going through this soul destroying experience for YEARS. And the OP is one of them.

[MajesticWhine]

"I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment"
This is what you need to say to him. It's not good enough for him to get upset and therefore not allowing the conversation. You really need to force the issue and insist on him getting some psychosexual counselling. Don't have a one night stand or affair, because that will likely just make you more unhappy.

[ThatVikRinA22]

just asked dh to read ONLY the opening post (none of the replies) and asked him what his first thoughts were.
dh is very liberal and has no problem with peoples sexual preferences just to put his reply in to context....

he read the op - and said he thought it was fairly obvious that he is gay.

op, i think you need to get to the bottom of this now. your self esteem must be on the floor and i doubt that if he is living a lie he will be either.

[sammyad]

Just wanted to pick it up on what a lot of people are saying about op's husband possibly being gay - dp and I had a sort of similar situation, though nowhere near as bad. We were having sex, just not anywhere near as often as I'd have liked, and often dp had a bit of difficulty 'keeping it up'. One day I stumbled across the fact that he'd been camming men online and (skipping through a lot of emotional turmoil) eventually discovered he'd always been attracted to men, and wondered if he was gay, but also liked women - somehow though despite being a very clued-up, intelligent guy, with no 'issues' around other people's sexuality, it had never occurred to him he might be bi . Anyway since that revelation, and lots of chats and explorations later, he's started to be comfortable with the fact he's bi, and our sex life has improved stratospherically, I think largely due to him being happier with himself.

Anyway, OP, what I'm trying to get at is that your husband may not necessarily be 'gay' or even bi, but there may be some hidden aspect to his sexuality that he's either ashamed to admit or hasn't even articulated to himself. Sex therapy could help, but failing that a bit of judicious perusing of internet history or similar (not usually one to promote snooping but sounds like the situation is getting fairly desperate) could give you a starting point. I really feel for you as my self-esteem was hitting rock bottom after less than a year - can't imagine what it must be like after 10! But just wanted to say it's not necessarily the end unless you want it to be. I may be barking totally up the wrong tree, but if any of this resonates at all with you, possibly just reassuring him that you don't mind what he tells you/ you find out about him and you're not aiming or wanting to leave him might give him the confidence to examine his own feelings. Hugs, anyway.

(and sorry for long post!)

[loopylou6]

sammy, what happens if your dp wants to experiment with another male tho?

[sammyad]

loopy don't want to hijack op's thread too much, but basically his thinking is that he's committed to me, so he can't 'experiment' with guys. Just like he also can't 'experiment' with different 'types' of women/ women who might be into things I'm not. I'm (obviously!) pleased and happy that's how he feels atm, but realise it may not always be that way - guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm not terribly worried though. I think the fundamental problem with the camming was I saw it as cheating (real person on other end!) and he saw it as akin to porn (readily available, no-effort kicks on internet). When I made it clear I saw it as cheating he was absolutely horrified, and I'm sure won't be an issue again. If he wants to do it again though I trust he'll talk to me and we'll hopefully be able to have an adult conversation about it. As I say don't want to hijack - it's a much more complicated situation than I can really explain here but if you want any further exp feel free to pm me, as I know it's something a lot of people find a bit odd!

[Lavenderhoney]

A wonderful marriage- does that mean he cuddles you on the sofa, good hands with you, has a bath with you, tells you you look hot even though you know you look like shit with a cold and a slippers on?

There is probably a lot more missing from your marriage than you realise.
Unless you mean you have a good partnership in sharing chores, putting on a good front?

Personally the weekly bj would have stopped a long time ago, you have been remarkably patient. He has to talk about it. Its a basic human need, to have sex.

Its not fair he gets a bj, and then you do your thing whilst he has a snooze or whatever.

[MajesticWhine]

Yes to what Sammy said. Being bisexual does not mean you need to experiment. It is still possible to be faithful and to have an attraction for other people, doesn't matter whether same sex or opposite.

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

This is a deal breaker for me. Sex is incredibly important to me but if it was medical I would be more understanding and patient but to me it doesn't seem a mental thing either I feel that because he is happy to have a blow job once a week it's something else although I can't think what. I doubt it's fixable either op and seeing as you don't want to leave him and he doesn't seem to want to fix it then you either put up with it or take a lover. I hate saying that but he's left you know choice IMO.