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Original poster

Dysfunctional sex life (TMI Alert)

146 replies

galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 19:21

I love DH we have a wonderful marriage in every respect except our sex life. I am being torn apart by his 'issues' with sex and I can feel resentment growing inside me as time goes by.
I have a full and healthy sex drive whilst he has little and some, as I see it, psycho-sexual issues.
Here goes (TMI Alert).
Once a week we have 'sex'. This consists of me giving him full oral without a condom until he's done. This he enjoys and gives him all the sexual fulfilment he needs. Then it's my turn. He won't have full sex with me as he finds the whole idea distasteful, he won't give me oral or touch me intimately for the same reason so I then pleasure myself. Then we cuddle. I feel I zm in a sexless marriage but he is not. I'm 44 and this has been it for the last 10 years. No element of my sex drive is being fulfilled by this. I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment. A few weeks ago I had the chance of a one night stand. I turned it down. What I would like to know is How wired is this How mean is DH being and How wrong would I have been if I had had the ONS? Any other comments would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 03/12/2013 14:51

Galgaf says her husband's getting a one-way deal from her; how likely is he to agree with her setting up a profile on EasyShag.com?

If he expects to carry on the way he is and just use OP and refuse to sort it out AND try to stop her from seeking fulfillment elsewhere he IS being abusive WHATEVER his sexuality is.

BOF · 03/12/2013 15:11

The loverrrr (or fuckbuddy, to sound less continental) is a laughably poor idea, for several reasons. One we haven't mentioned which has just occurred to me: what happens once the OP starts getting some fabulous sex with a bloke who finds her desirable and loves being generous in bed? Is she really likely to want to continue with this farce of a once-weekly blowie at home? I think it would make it more difficult to cope with, not less.

garlicbaubles · 03/12/2013 15:25

Well, yes, BOF. And it's not as if it's that easy to find a compatible partner under normal circumstances ... all this "taking a lover" malarkey presupposes you can just order one from Amazon or something!

Very illuminating post, Dallasty. I'm sorry you had such a messy episode, and glad it's worked out okay.

bellasuewow · 03/12/2013 22:36

It does not mean he is gay or he is selfish. there is no such things as normal and what may work for you is frankly no one else's business. The only thing of concern is that it is making you feel unfulfilled and unhappy as you have a higher sex drive. It is not his fault that his sex drive is low or dysfunctional or whatever the reason is. It does not sound like he is doing it to upset you and he may feel guilty. There could be a million reasons for his distaste of sex and it is a bit simplistic to announce he is gay. You sound like you have many qualities to your relationship and perhaps for you to have sex with someone else is not such a bad idea if your husband does not want sex or therapy. I feel nothing but compassion for you both.

garlicbaubles · 04/12/2013 00:48

Did you actually read the OP, bellasue? The husband is the only partner getting sex. He refuses to reciprocate. That's not a case of mismatched sex drives, and it bloody well is selfish.

Darkesteyes · 04/12/2013 00:51

YY Garlic

Mellowandfruitful · 04/12/2013 01:06

The fact is that he is happy with the situation and you are desperately unhappy. So that can't go on. What is the saying about 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten?' Stop the weekly 'ritual'. Just stop it. Next time it comes around, for now, say you have had enough, you don't want to live like this anymore, and you don't want to go through the same performance ever again. If he starts with the woe is me, then say you really can't deal with that right now, or make it better for him, because you are thinking very seriously about what the future holds for you. Tell him when he has some concrete suggestions about what the two of you should do, to let you know, but you don't want to hear any more about how bad he feels because you feel bad yourself and you are going to focus on how to sort that out.

He is causing the problem here. He should be prepared, at the very least, to come up with some proposals for how to improve it. At the moment he has to do precisely zilch in that department. And every blow job you give him confirms that it's OK to carry on like this, which is why, however much you crave sexual contact, you must not do it at least until he makes some move to fix things. Possibly not then, but at least till then.

Jengnr · 04/12/2013 05:46

He finds you and your body 'distasteful'?

Yet still expects you to swallow his spunk?

No no no no no.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2013 20:03

Are you any further on with this, OP?

Lazyjaney · 04/12/2013 20:47

"Taking a lover" - what does that even mean?"

A better deal than giving BJs and having to get yourself off. This isn't a marriage, it's a service contract.

kscience · 04/12/2013 21:19

There is an equality in this relationship and he is getting what he wants from the relationship, but from your post you are not getting what you need.

Is the use of the term distasteful his? This shows very little regard for your welfare.

You are reluctant to upset him, but he realises this and it seems to me uses this as a tactic to avoid talking to you.

You cant achieve anything without seriously discussing this, it is going to be a difficult conversation, both of you are going to be emotional and even distressed at points. But how can you move forward from the situation you are currently stuck in and dissatisfied with unless you start a conversation.

You get things from this relationship that you are happy with. Are you staying because this is enough or are you staying because you can not imagine your life on your own?

Time for a bit of honesty with each other and yourselves.

kscience · 04/12/2013 21:20

equality in first line should read inequality

Mazzledazzle · 04/12/2013 22:01

Agree with HorsePetal completely. This needs to be sorted out. I understand, though, that it's easy to get into strange, dysfunctional habits.

I think it's quite telling when you say "If I did stop I don't think he'd mind".

Please stop this charade of 'sex'. It's an insult to you. You deserve so much more.

In all honesty, do you think he'd mind if you had a lover?

Burnett · 29/08/2017 06:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BoffinMum · 29/08/2017 06:07
  1. Your husband sounds rather greedy.
  2. He is probably just not that into you.
  3. Any sex issues are usually just a manifestation of the wider relationship.
  4. Stop doing the blow jobs.
Crispsheets · 29/08/2017 06:13

Zombie thread

MoseShrute · 29/08/2017 06:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DianaT1969 · 29/08/2017 07:23

This thread is 4 years old

AgentProvocateur · 29/08/2017 07:44

STOP POSTING ON OLD THREADS!!!!

AgentProvocateur · 29/08/2017 07:45

That was a message to Burnett.

TDHManchester · 29/08/2017 08:03

What would happen if,whilst you were orally pleasuring him, you straddled him and guided him in? Do you think he would jump up in protest as if you had sexually assaulted him? If not, maybe he just needs you to help him along.

What is going on is not normal. Being male, and in that situation, i could never imagine not wanting to pleasure you.

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