Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dysfunctional sex life (TMI Alert)

146 replies

galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 19:21

I love DH we have a wonderful marriage in every respect except our sex life. I am being torn apart by his 'issues' with sex and I can feel resentment growing inside me as time goes by.
I have a full and healthy sex drive whilst he has little and some, as I see it, psycho-sexual issues.
Here goes (TMI Alert).
Once a week we have 'sex'. This consists of me giving him full oral without a condom until he's done. This he enjoys and gives him all the sexual fulfilment he needs. Then it's my turn. He won't have full sex with me as he finds the whole idea distasteful, he won't give me oral or touch me intimately for the same reason so I then pleasure myself. Then we cuddle. I feel I zm in a sexless marriage but he is not. I'm 44 and this has been it for the last 10 years. No element of my sex drive is being fulfilled by this. I'm not sure if I can face the rest of my life with no sexual fulfillment. A few weeks ago I had the chance of a one night stand. I turned it down. What I would like to know is How wired is this How mean is DH being and How wrong would I have been if I had had the ONS? Any other comments would be appreciated.

OP posts:
rainbowfeet · 01/12/2013 20:28

I agree with Louise.. Tell him you can't live like it any longer & he either gets help or you will be looking for a lover!!
If he loves you & wants your marriage to survive he'll attempt to address his issues.

dopeysheep · 01/12/2013 20:28

Imagine.if he said you were only allowed to eat onions and he'd be mortified if you had a bit of cake. Not really fair imo.

Madamecastafiore · 01/12/2013 20:30

He is not a good husband and does not love you. A good loving husband would not use and demean you like this.

Do you not find him saying you are distasteful or the act of having sexual relations with you distasteful offensive?

QueenQueenie · 01/12/2013 20:31

What do you want to happen op? What is your bottom line?
Do you want random sex with a stranger, a ONS?
Do you want things to change so that you have some sort of equal sexual relationship with your husband?
Do you want a continuing sexual relationship with a lover while remaining married? If so do you want to keep this secret or to do this with husband's knowledge and agreement?
Would you want this set up for your dcs in their adult relationships? If not why is it good enough for you?

CarryOnDancing · 01/12/2013 20:54

I'm a bit shocked at people saying he's a terrible husband and doesn't love you. It sounds like he's got a sexual issue or problem that needs investigating. Of course, it's a little obscure that he's happy to receive and literally give nothing from a "distasteful" per selective.

I'd suggest/insist counselling as he can't be happy carrying such a burden.

Surely what you are craving is a full intimate relationship with your husband-not just penetrative sex? I think a lover is the worst possible idea and I'm flabbergasted at the apparent genuine suggestions by some.
Please remember that strangers on here are just that and some will have a side more than happy to meddle and harm others' relationships as it means nothing at all to them.

You owe it to your relationship to try and resolve this issue together. You also owe it to yourself to push and make sure it happens. Please do it together though and don't bring a third person into the equation. A lover is an affair and if you were a man there would be nasty names flying all over this thread-not encouragement. I'm embarrassed by the double standards women on here can have!

The best of luck to you and your husband. I hope you both find happiness!

MatryoshkaDoll · 01/12/2013 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horsemad · 01/12/2013 21:05

Sorry if I'm being a bit thick, but if he won't have full sex, give you oral or touch you intimately, what kind of sex are you having?

You have bern more than co-operative, but now it's time to get tough with him, or nothing will change.

JaceyBee · 01/12/2013 21:09

So, just to clarify - you give him a blow job until he cums, which he enjoys (no shit Sherlock!) then it's your turn but... He doesn't have penetrative sex with you? He doesn't go down on you? And he doesn't touch your vagina at all? So...what does he do then??

Then you masturbate, while he watches? Gets involved? The whole thing sounds utterly depressing, and I can't believe you're putting up with it! You could do sooo much better!

JaceyBee · 01/12/2013 21:10

X posts with horsemad!

MatryoshkaDoll · 01/12/2013 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 01/12/2013 21:15

I'm with Matryoshka - he is not a good husband, he's a selfish one.
I was in a sexless marriage (other reasons). A drunken idiot stroked my neck in a bar one night, before I sent him on his way. I felt like I was on heat for a week, thought about being in the bar same night following week... Don't underestimate how frustrated you might feel now you've lifted the lid on this.

I'd have more sympathy for his "issues" if you two were sexless, not him getting a flipping weekly BJ!! Honestly, I would give him and ultimatum and mean it - sex therapy, or you split. You might still split. If he has issues, he may not be keen on therapy. BUT... you deserve someone that loves you. Do you love him enough that you'd have therapy rather than lose him? If he won't for you, he doesn't love you enough.
This will fuck you head up. Good luck - but really, it can't go on. Offer him the chance to work it out, but he has to show he cares about you.

Original poster
galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 21:28

Queenie
What I what at this stage is some perspective. I can't talk to anybody in RL life so I don't really know how odd, wired and selfish he is. Please believe that he is a good man. I want to give in oral as it is the only thing that is a real 'sex act' and I crave sex.

OP posts:
bertandmarble · 01/12/2013 21:28

Would def recommend relate, you can always go on your own if he doesn't want to go

JaceyBee · 01/12/2013 21:34

I think it's him that needs psychosexual therapy, probably on his own at first, then with you. If he won't agree to this then he's putting his need to not feel all embarrassed in front of a professional who deals with these issues day in day out, ahead of your need for a loving and fulfilling sex life with your husband. Which makes him a selfish, immature prick IMO. And to answer your question, he's really, really odd, weird and selfish. Really!!

mirry2 · 01/12/2013 21:36

I was once in a similar relationship and put up with no sex and giving oral sex for about 4 years. Then met another bloke and there were fireworks in bed for years. I think the op needs to find someone else. It's only half a relationship

dopeysheep · 01/12/2013 21:41

I think the perspective you are getting is that everyone thinks.this is an odd/unusual/weird routine, and that you deserve better.
You need something to change and even if he is a good man, he is not good for you if he is making you feel so understandably frustrated and upset.
You deserve more, this is not normal.

UptheChimney · 01/12/2013 21:46

The other thing to think about is the long term effect it can have on you for your husband to feel that your body is somehow disgusting and "distasteful." I mean, WTAF? It's an awful kind of misogyny.

He needs therapy.

muddylettuce · 01/12/2013 21:53

Sex is a very personal thing...your situation could be 'normal' and perfectly reasonable IF both of you were happy and fulfilled but you are not. Its unclear if he is either. I think you should broach the subject of counselling or sex therapy with him because you love and respect him in all other areas of your relationship. It's a reasonable request because an important part of your relationship is lacking. If he loves you and wants to make the marriage work he should agree to try.

Original poster
galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 21:54

Thank you all for your comments. To be honest you have confirmed what I already knew. But it's good to here it so clearly from so many other people.

OP posts:
QueenQueenie · 01/12/2013 22:01

I do really feel for you op. My ?s were about trying to understand a bit more about your situation. What you haven't really told us is what his take on this is... whether you've actually had a proper and open discussion about this and about how you feel. You are not happy with how things are. Either something has to change or you just carry on being miserable.
As others have said the fact that he won't touch you intimately because he finds it distasteful must be very very upsetting and hurtful, not to mention very harmful to your self confidence.

Original poster
galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 22:02

Sorry hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
galgaf14 · 01/12/2013 22:07

We haven't talked about it much. Whenever we do he gets very upset and feels bad about himself and I hate that. Also I don't see where a conversation can go. Surely all that could happen is me asking him to do something that I know he doesn't what to do. What does that make me and how could I enjoy it?

OP posts:
paulapantsdown · 01/12/2013 22:12

Hes not asexual if he's enjoying the blows jobs is he?
He is gay.

notapizzaeater · 01/12/2013 22:19

What do you actually get from it ? You could masterbate on your own without having to give him a blow job

beaglesaresweet · 01/12/2013 22:25

if he's gay, him being upset and very guilty makes sense - as he's lying to you (and also denying himself what he really wants).

Swipe left for the next trending thread