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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 15:51

That is exactually how I feel, winnie. He has got the best of both worlds atm, & this is why I exploded at him the other week when he was arranging to play snooker & golf rather than taking care of DS2 while I was working. I told him that he may be enjoying his single lad way of life with his little boyfriends, but he was to remember that he has got two children & needs to act a little more like a father.
I hadn't thought about him having regular specific time with the boys, as he is still in the house & they see him in the evenings etc, but I could do with more of a break, as it is hard for me to be the kind of Mum I should be atm. I try to keep things as normal as possible for the children, but there are times when I feel I am not coping very well.

OP posts:
winnie · 05/08/2006 16:06

You are coping well.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
I think the issue of 'contact' for want of a better word is definitely something that needs to be considered and relying of parents who aren't supporting you is no help at all.
One would expect a "normal" person to want to spend regular time with his children and be reasonable enough to see you actually need and deserve a break too.

I am thinking of you. Hang on in there xx

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 17:02

Thank you, winnie.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 19:54

He has come home from work & has now gone out with his friends. I am getting that weekend sinking feeling & I don't know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 22:45

Four bacardis later, I am feeling a bit better!

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 05/08/2006 22:47

Impressive!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 22:52

Not sure about impressive! I was going to be good tonight, but it has all gone pear shaped! Still the bacardi has calmed me down a bit alongside watching the Chilli Peppers concert on TV & seeing the lead singer with his chest out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 23:12

I needed something to take my mind off things!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 10:10

Excuse lack of comma last night. I did have 4 large bacardis in my system!

I have just had Mum on the phone asking if there was any way of saving our marriage, & would it be worth her or Dad having a talk to H!
I said no to both, & that professionals have tried talking to H, so I didn't think her or Dad would make any difference at all.
She then went on to say that Dad would pay for us all to go on holiday with them, if I decided to try & make things work!!
They are desperate to stop this divorce!

OP posts:
winnie · 06/08/2006 12:08

good for you lemmingswife
Telling your Mum exactly how it is when she is so unsupportive and putting pressure on you is very brave. You are stronger than you think. Well done I'm sure it doesn't make you feel much better but you are resolved to go through with and you are not letting the bullies win.
It ahs been said before and you probably don't believe it but it will be worth it

Kathlean · 06/08/2006 12:26

Have you thought about telling your mum that you don't want to be her?

In 20-30 years you don't want to be stuck in a loveless marriage with a bully. You don't want your children to be stuck in loveless marriages either as bullies (with their wives leaving them and taking their children) or being bullied and abused by their wives.

You want more for you AND your children you want to be happy.

So you are breaking the mold. If they cannot accept that then to keep their opinions to themselves.

Tyedye · 06/08/2006 13:29

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 17:39

I have just received an email from my sister saying that she hopes she didn't upset me the other night, but just wanted me to be aware of what was going on. She then mentioned how she had gone back to my parents house & told them everything I had told her, & told them that they really needed to try & listen more. She said she cried loads in front of them too.
My Mum's talk yesterday & phone call today is obviously as a result of this, but they obviously still cannot grasp any of it & are desperate to try & get us to sort things out. My Mum said it would be far easier for everyone to understand if he had either been hitting me or had an affair. I guess the emotional side of things is hard for people to understand - it was for me, & I was living in the conditions.

I feel like complete crap atm. I feel like I am just causing major upset to all around me & I hate it.

OP posts:
Freckle · 06/08/2006 17:44

No, your H is causing all the upset. If he had behaved like a decent spouse you would not have needed to take these steps. His behaviour since you advised him that his marriage was hitting the skids has just reinforced that this is all about him. How many people do you know, when told that they are about to lose their wife and children, would spend every waking moment in the pub with friends, when not working, rather than trying to sort out whatever problems exist within the marriage???

Your family does not like change. Your parents do not like reminders that their marriage blueprint is unacceptable to at least one of their children. This does not make you the bad guy.

You are doing the best thing for your children's future, not to mention your own as you have a right to a decent future too.

Hang on in there, LW. You really are doing the right thing, no matter what your family say. Perhaps your sister could be persuaded to support you without reporting back to your parents?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 17:55

Yes, you are right, Freckle. It is H's behaviour that has led me to this point & it has taken me a long long time to get here, because I really wanted to keep the family together for my children & I wanted to believe that I could do something to make him change, but I couldn't & I never will. I just wish those around me could see that & not look at me like I am some complete bitch who is out to take H to the cleaners & leave my children fatherless.

I know I am doing the right thing & they cannot bully me into thinking otherwise. I cannot turn back now, but feel I may have a breakdown along the way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 17:57

H has gone round to have a drink with my Dad now & taken the boys round with him. He was meant to be working tonight, but he still feels too rough after last night, so has phoned in sick.

OP posts:
Freckle · 06/08/2006 18:23

You are not depriving your boys of their father, for goodness' sake. They will still have their dad, depending on how much effort he is prepared to put in.

It strikes me that your H is aware of the conflict within your family and the support that he has there, which is why he is taking your boys to see your parents. He is still manipulating the situation.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 18:34

I have tried explaining to my Mum that the boys will not be without their Dad & that they will still see him lots, but she just says "Hmmmmm. DS1 will go to pieces you know"
Dad thinks I am doing the worst possible thing to them too. I know they are wrong, but they will not listen to me & this is one of the many issues they have with me atm.
They even have my sister convinced at times. She asked how I am remaining so strong, as she says that she is often reduced to putty in their hands. My sister is the more feisty of the two of us too!

I allowed the boys to go with H, as they love going to their Nanny's house & it means I don't have to suffer going round there myself.
They are going away for a week next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 19:51

I am starting to wonder what my parents are saying to H while he is round there. My Dad rang him up this afternoon & asked him round for a drink. They have tried working on me & it didn't work, so they will be trying a different approach now.

OP posts:
Tyedye · 06/08/2006 20:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 20:24

Yes, thanks for the offer, but I think I might pass on coming to yours for a break, Tyedye!!

What's happening your end atm?

OP posts:
DVX · 06/08/2006 20:55

It is typical of an abusive man to try to isolate you from your family LW there is loads of evidence for this sort of behaviour. Your parents are just playing into his hands!

Tyedye · 06/08/2006 21:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 06/08/2006 22:23

He is determined to remain friends with my Dad, which is fine, he can do what he wants! Infact I felt quite happy that my Dad & him would remain friends, as I felt a little bad for my Dad (I know that sounds barmy in the circs, but I did!), but I wish that my family would accept my reasons for this & stand by me a little more.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 06/08/2006 22:52

I think you have to accept that your family are not going to support you on this. If you accept this, painful and distressing as it is, it may make it a bit easier not to get too wound up by the nonsense they come out with.

And you should tell your sister not to report back anything you say to your parents.

H will be free to remain friends with who he likes, but he needs to know that you really couldn't care less what he does or who he does it with and that being pally with your parents will not have the slightest effect on you (or at least no effect that he can see).

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