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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 08:02

This is all upsetting me so much.

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 05/08/2006 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spangles · 05/08/2006 08:42

Hope you arnt feeling rough this morning LW. Ignore the family coz they are just trying every single way they possibly can to try and make you stay with H so they dont look bad (which of course they dont, but in their warped minds they will look bad if their daughter is divorced)
I would probably ring the estate agents and tell them that you are not agreeing to the price reduction. Also how are things going with regards to the information/papers your solicitor has asked for. Hope you and your sister enjoyed yourselves last night. If your really upset by what your mum and dad are saying you could always stay with H and live a miserable life and have your DSs terrified of making a mess... on the other hand Naahhh. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong and focused.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 09:13

Not feeling too rough, spangles! Suprising really, as I drank rather a lot of wine last night!
Feeling mighty stressed about everything right now. H is at work all day today, so that is one good thing! He was not happy when he saw the paints yesterday & when I told him that I was going to let the boys paint stones, he said "In the garden I hope. There will be no painting going on in here."
He later thumped the work top & gave me a glare.

I am angry with my Mum for not only making me feel bad about my solicitor visit, but then going on to inform my Dad & sister & winding my Dad right up.
My sister told me that Dad is very angry with me because of this solicitor business & is furious that I am out to sting H.
It seems my BIL is also taking H's side & is also cross at the thought of H coming away with very little for now. He said that the man always gets a crap deal, & my sister said that he is annoyed.
Everyone feels worried that the stress of all this will give Dad a heart attack & this has added to the mess my head is in, as I am feeling worried about this now.
I have been hearing the heart attack line since around the age of 5, but it would be used when I was naughty then. I remember hearing it so much, that one time when I was around DS1's age, I shouted "Good" after Mum had told me I would give my father a heart attack! It was used all the time & I was too young to really know what a heart attack was, but boy did I regret saying "Good"!

I have found some of the info I need for the solicitor, spangles.

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 05/08/2006 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 09:36

My Mum is annoyed that I am going to a solicitor at all! She said "H said he would look after you & the boys, & going to a solicitor will just turn things nasty!"

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 05/08/2006 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 05/08/2006 09:49

I think what you have to appreciate is that your family are all afraid of change, what it will mean to their relationship with you, with H and, possibly, with each other. They are therefore desperately trying to persuade you to maintain the status quo.

However, the status quo is not something you can possibly contemplate now that you know it isn't something you have to endure. Remember that your marriage mirrors that of your parents and, by dissolving yours because you are not prepared to live like that any more, is quite a bold statement that their marriage is not built on solid foundations either. No one likes to be told that they are living a lie.

You know that there is better out there. Perhaps not right now, but later when you are in your own home where you can do what you like without fear of angering H, you will be happy again. And, once your parents realise that living like that won't shatter their world, they may come round.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 10:06

You are probably right in that all this has probably shaken my parents a little because our marriage has mirrored theirs in many ways. My Mum said to me only yesterday when I gave her their anniversery card "See, I have stayed with Dad for 36 years, because I know I am financially okay with him."

I know I shouldn't really have mentioned anything about how I got on with the solicitor on Wednesday, but I wanted her to listen & understand how serious I was. I wont be telling her anything else though, as it just gets back to Dad & he gets madder with me.

Everyone thinks I am some nasty bit of work who is out to get everything I can - but it is not like that at all! I am just going by what my solicitor told me, & I am not out to sting anyone in all this. H earns five times the amount I do & will be able to find somewhere to live, I am sure.
My sister stayed with my parents last night & I told her to just make it clear that this is no bloody holiday for me atm!

I am worried about the stress this may cause my Dad though, & would never forgive myself if this did make him ill.

OP posts:
Chandra · 05/08/2006 10:10

Is the house also in your name LW?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 10:12

Yes it is.

OP posts:
Weatherwax · 05/08/2006 10:15

You are not taking your H to the cleaners, you are just ensuring that your sons have an OK life. As you are no longer telling your father about all of this then his reaction is the responsibility of the people telling your father and the way they are telling him.

You are doing well and the best you can for your sons. Good luck

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 10:48

Thanks, weatherwax.

I have just had to show some viewers round the house, who I had totally forgotten were coming round, & left them on the doorstep for about 5 mins, as I thought it may have been my Dad at the door! Ohps!

OP posts:
Chandra · 05/08/2006 13:04

I'm afraid he is taking you for a ride, if the house is in your name you can go straight to the mortgage company and ask for all the details, actually, I'm quite surprised you are not getting a copy of all correspondence they send to him (please ring the company and ask them to send all your correspondance for you to your workplace). He is sooooo totally hand tied without your signature, he can not even have the house in the market without your permission because half of it doesn't belongs to him.

If he stops paying.... his problem too, he is the one that will end up with a bad credit history, but it will take A G E S for the bank to take the house. Hopefully by then you would be happily divorced with a guaranteed stay in the house at least until the children are 18 years old. And by then, a court it's likely to have solved the problem for you by ordering to pay or face the consequences. Please bear in mind that you are nearer to loosing the house by keeping it in the market than if he decided to stop payments.

I think he is being so abusive partly because you are allowing him to, fill up those solicitor forms ASAP, get the info you need before the end of next week, the more you drag your feet the more you have to pay to solicitors. And the longer you will have him around making your life hell.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 13:09

Just had my Mum round. Shewas going on about how awful it will be & how hard I will find it. She said that she didn't bring me into this world to live a shiet life!
I tried to tell her how bad things have been & I even told her that we were on the brink of child protection being involved, but she just cannot grasp it. She said she would understand more if he was hitting me or having an affair.
He is apparantly welcome to stay at their house, & I said "Good, I hope he does move in with you!"

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 13:13

I have found a lot of the bits I need for the solicitor & will make another appointment next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 13:16

I found mortgage bits addressed to me in his file, when I was searching for bits the other day.

OP posts:
Freckle · 05/08/2006 13:18

I think you should stop discussing any of this with your mum. Just tell her that, if she's not prepared to be supportive, she should just stay out of it. She may not have brought you into this world to live a shte life, but she has certainly trained you to live one by her own example. Just because she was prepared to put up with someone like your dad doesn't mean that you* should have to and provide your children with an example of a totally unbalanced marriage.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 13:29

She came round especially to talk to me. I think maybe my sister told her that she should try & listen, but she just cannot grasp it, so I give up. She told me that I don't realise how much Dad loves me & that his threats are just his way of trying to sort the situation!
She also said that she could have left Dad, but I was a screwed up enough child, without having to deal with divorced parents & she did what was best for her children!
I try not to talk to my Mum too much & this was something else that she brought up. She doesn't understand why I don't talk to her more!!

OP posts:
Freckle · 05/08/2006 14:50

Of course his threats are an attempt to sort the situation. That's the whole basis of their marriage. If your mum does something he doesn't like, he threatens her and the situation is sorted! And this is what has happened in your marriage. You need to get your mum to realise that, now you understand how bullies work, threats will only push you further in the direction they don't want you to go and therefore your dad should back off. If he gives himself a heart attack because of the stress of his tactics failing to work, then that's his doing not yours.

winnie · 05/08/2006 15:02

Lemmingwife, I am so sorry your family are being as they are. Dare I say no wonder you ended up with this man your family are manipulative bullies and so is he. It's what you've been conditioned to believe you deserve. What a load of bollocks! Sorry, I am really on your behalf. You are not taking him to the cleaners you are looking out for your children and yourself. If you don't nobody else will. You have a mountain to climb but you can do it! You are a lovely person and things will get better. I hope he does go to live with your parents they may get tot see what he is really like. They deserve each other.
How are you today & how are the boys doing?
{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 15:15

I have felt pretty yukky today & my head feels overloaded with all the ongoing nonsence from my family.
The boys have painted their stones in the garden, & I now have DS2 sleeping & DS1 playing the flight game on the pc (I am on laptop!), so I have a few minutes peace! DS2 has been very miserable with his chicken pox.
I told my Mum that Dad's threats wont work, & if anything they make me more determined not to let him win. To this she said "That is because you are stubborn just like he is & neither of you will ever let the other win!"

OP posts:
winnie · 05/08/2006 15:22

lemmingswife, does he ever give you a break from the boys?

You may not want to but as you are separated I would suggest that he has the children at a particular time (like contact) so you then know that you have Saturday afternoons (or whatever) to yourself and he has to take some responsibility for the boys.

Sorry if this has already been discussed and I've missed it. It just sounds like you could really do with a regular break.

Thinking of you xxx

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 05/08/2006 15:34

Sometimes he will take them to the park or somewhere similar, but it is me who has them the majority of the time. He is working 12 hours today & then going out with his friends when he gets home this evening. Tomorrow he will go to the pub from lunchtime, as he does every Sunday now.
I could do with a break from the boys, especially when I am feeling like this & with DS2 being poorly & ratty. I wish my Mum would help me more by taking them for an hour or so, rather than coming round & talking garbage.

OP posts:
winnie · 05/08/2006 15:40

lemmingswife, it sounds to me (and you already know this) that he wants his cake and eat it. How handy for him that you are there doing all you do but he can now please himself because you are separated.

I completely sympathise, of course you need a break. How would you feel about suggesting that he starts having regular, specific time twith the children in readiness for how it will be once you are not under the same roof?