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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 02/08/2006 11:49

Hope everything goes well today LW

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 12:49

Well, HV has just left & I filled her in on all the latest. She feels that he is really playing control games again & says that when he gets nasty I should say "Thank you - you are reminding me of exactually why I am leaving you!"
I know he would try & come back with something nastier though.
She advised me to go & collect some stones from the beach with the boys, & then bring them back & paint them. Which is something I would have been too afraid to do while we were together, due to any possible mess.
She has given me the contact numbers for women's aid, Benefits helpline & Women's resource centre.

Got to get prepared for solicitor now!

OP posts:
DVX · 02/08/2006 12:52

Thinking of you LW! Hope it gets some progress going in the right direction!

FloatingOnTheMed · 02/08/2006 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 02/08/2006 13:36

Am thinking of you very much today, LW.
XXXX

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 15:54

I am back & a little clearer. Sounds like the mesher order may be the only way forward re buying a property. Doesn't seem I will be able to get him out of the house though, as he said the courts will not remove him unless there is photographic evidence that he has been violent in some way & I am in real danger.
He told me not to sign anything re house sale for the moment, as I could come out with less than I am entitled to.
My friend took notes while I listened & she is mailing them to me tomorrow.
Will post more later, as boys are soon to return & then I have to show viewers around the bloody house!
Thank you for thinking of me.x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 16:00

My Mum has had a dig about it all & I feel upset.

OP posts:
spangles · 02/08/2006 16:26

hope the viewing goes well as it seems that selling the house is going to be the quickest way to get rid of H. as for your mum... STUFF HER.

FloatingOnTheMed · 02/08/2006 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FloatingOnTheMed · 02/08/2006 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 02/08/2006 16:35

So have you instructed your solicitor to issue divorce proceedings? If not, what are you expecting to happen until you do?

If you want a resolution to this impossible situation, do not agree to the sale of the house unless it is conditional upon a financial settlement being agreed between solicitors as part of the divorce. You need to get the divorce under way as soon as possible, or the while thing will just drag on endlessly.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 16:47

Viewers have left. I didn't go mad tidying the place before they came!

Freckle, he wants me to go back & see him with various bits & bobs, to see if he can offer me legal aid first. He has said that I should find out ALL the details of the mortgage & see a mortgage advisor. He desperatly doesn't want me to have to rent, but feels the mesher order may be the only way forward. FOTM, a mesher order is where H has to lone me his % of the equity until such time as my youngest child turns 18, or I re-marry etc. I would then have to pay him back. At least this is how I understand it!
He says that if I get this legal aid, we will have to try mediation, as it cuts costs.
He said that if H stops paying the mortgage, it would take months before anything happened & that I would have to get onto mortgage company. He said he hopes he doesn't do this though, as it would eat into the equity.
He said it is not going to be pleasant, but I would get through it.

Mum asked how I got on when she brought the boys back & stated how very unfair this Mesher thing sounded & how poor H puts all the money into the house & gets nothing as a result. She then went on to say how H will get a solicitor who will fight everything mine says & this is when it will get nasty.

Feeling pretty emotional right at this moment tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 18:59

Feeling really churned up tonight.

OP posts:
Blu · 02/08/2006 19:35

Keep your bloody mother at arms length in your brain, iyswim! easier said than done, I know, but she is full of reactionary mysoginystic nonsense whereby your role in having brought up the boys and done the housework are apparantly worth nothing. H DOES get something - he gets a roof over the heads of his two children, he gets childcare for them for the next 15 years, (give or take the times he 'pops in') and THEN, on top of all that, he gets his share of the equity (plus pro rata rise in value??) once the boys are grown up. Sounds a bloody good investment for him, if you ask me.

But doubtless your Mum will be telling H all this and egging him on to get a solicitor. What a way to stitch up your own daughter. Bloody woman!

I think Freckle sounds aas if she has summed up what's needed re the realtionship between the house and the divorce .

Sorry you feel so churned up - it's inevitable, though, isn't it? And keep strong, presumably H knows you were seeing your solicitor today and will be unbearable and wanting details? Keep as shtum as you can, just say 'preliminary advice, andyou will need to return with more details' and say you can't talk to him about it, as he knows.

God luck, I really don't envy you today and tonight.

But keep it in the front of your mind: H is NOT being badly treated here.

So did the solicitor say

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 19:44

When I asked how H would get a property if he doesn't get his share of the equity for now, he told me not to worry about him, & that he earns enough money to sort himself out. The main priority is that the children are in a secure home.
My Mum is appalled by this & said "Poor H - he puts all this money into the house & gets nothing - that seems really fair" She then went on to say how he will get a solicitor to fight everything mine tries to do, & that's when it will get nasty.

I am not going to discuss any of it with him tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 19:47

Good to see you back btw, Blu!

OP posts:
Blu · 02/08/2006 20:27

I think your solicitor is right, the priority is a secure home for the children to live in! And it doesn't seem such a hardship that H's investment in the house should benefit his children, does it?

And it's not as if you sat around doing nothing but getting your nails waxed and your pubes varnished in beauty salons, returning home merely to lounge on the sofa, now is it? You have worked damn hard in your marriage and household.

Do YOU think a mesher award would be unfair on H?

Caribbeanqueen · 02/08/2006 20:39

Jeez, your mum needs a slap. Sorry, but is it really possible to support your own daughter as little as this? It just leaves me cold, even though I can partly see the reasons behind it.

Glad you got some advice from your solicitor and you are now a little bit clearer about the way forward. Do you have a date for the next appointment?

It's understandable that you feel churned up. It's been an emotional day. Can you relax with a glass (bottle?) of wine?

Blu, good to see you back

Freckle · 02/08/2006 20:40

Your mother is talking from another era, wherein a man's earnings equalled his worth, and likewise the wife's - especially if she didn't work. Go figure.

Your H is not getting a bad deal out of a mesher order. A worse order would be that the entirety of the equity would be awarded to you so that you could guarantee a roof over the heads of your (joint) children. At least with a mesher, he has the prospect of a pretty good payout when your youngest child is no longer dependent upon you.

Ignore your mother (easier, etc., etc., I know).

Go back to your solicitor with your marriage certificate, details of the abuse over the years, etc. and get the divorce proceedings underway, at which point the sale of the property becomes beyond the control of H.

Freckle · 02/08/2006 20:41

Oh can I add also that I'm glad Blu didn't abandon us. Caring support can never be under-rated no matter what goes on elsewhere in cyberland.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 21:52

I am very glad that Blu is still here too, Freckle.

My parents are not the full ticket at times, but I really didn't need that reaction from my Mum when I was already feeling a little all over the place.
I think the mesher order is the most sensible way to go & I can't see any other way to do this without renting - which is something the solicitor advices against.

I am on the wine, CQ!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 22:06

He is saying he is dropping the house by £5000.

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 02/08/2006 22:08

Tell your mother nothing

Caribbeanqueen · 02/08/2006 22:12

He says...??

It's not just his decision.

winnie · 02/08/2006 22:15

oh lemmingswife {{{{{}}}}}}
Nothing constructive to say just wanted you to know I am thinking of you