Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 10:30

He can be nice to me, but at the same time he can be really nasty over sometimes quite trivial things. I have given him lots of chances to change his ways & tried everything I possibly could to enable those changes, so that he no longer had that scary side to him. None of them have worked for long & I have accepted that he will never change long term. My parents just can't see this.

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 01/08/2006 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caribbeanqueen · 01/08/2006 10:37

If only it were as simple as being nice to each other. Even if he did suddenly decide to become nice, I think it is way too late and it could never work. There is too much history, too many bad memories, too much wondering how long it will last and fear of putting a foot wrong and triggering another incident.

When h does finally leave you mum will just have to deal with it. Anything she feels will be a reflection on her own marriage and only she can reflect on the implications of that.

You are doing what is best for you and your boys and that is your responsibility, she made her choices and is responsible for them.

winnie · 01/08/2006 10:38

lemmingswife, I am sorry I am (shock) by your Mum. Telling you how hard it will be and how easy it would be to stay is so wrong. If you were my dd I would be telling you to get the hell out of there and never look back. You have done as much as can be done and as others have said it takes two! You and your children do not deserve the sh*t he has and continues to put you through. The fact that you care about others feelings in this is honourable and says much about you. Separation and divorce has a huge impact on all family members BUT life is too short to put up with this simply to keep other people happy. {{{{{{}}}}}}}}

DVX · 01/08/2006 11:49

Hello Lw only one day to go now and then you can try to clear the decks abit with the information which your solicitor will surely give you.

As for your mum these are decisions she made with your dad and she is sitll trying to justify them by trying to make you repeat her mistakes.

Hope you are ok. I am fine and enjoying time away wiht the kids!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 12:02

Good to hear from you, DVX. Glad to hear you are enjoying your break.

Yes, only one more day now before I see the solicitor. My Mum is alarmed that I am seeing a solicitor at all & thinks I should wait until the house sells! I certainly want to know where I stand before then!

I don't expect to ever have their support & approval though. Of course it would be better if we could just get along & all live happily ever after, but that is never going to happen!

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 01/08/2006 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jabberwocky · 01/08/2006 16:49

LW, your mum is in fantasy land. In fact, you absolutely need advice before it sells because you certainly don't want him gaining control of (and spending or hiding) the profit from the sale.

I haven't posted much, but have been thinking of you and hope the solicitor has some workable advice. Maybe you can get h moved out based on mental cruelty.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 16:49

Funnily enough it doesn't shock me at all! I think it is quite mild compared with some things they say! They both just want to go out of their way to put me off doing what I am doing, as they are ashamed.
Mum made out that she has been worrying about it, but she would have been more worried about how it made her family look.
My friend in Norwich had obviously mentioned something to her Mum, who happens to be a friend of my Mum. When Mum saw her number come up on the caller display, she refused to answer it because she knew the friend would mention my situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 16:53

It would be good if they could get H out, jaberwocky, but I don't hold great hope, as last time I saw the solicitor he said I would need evidence that I was in real physical danger, which I am not.

OP posts:
Freckle · 01/08/2006 16:59

Could you not get him out by implying that, if he were to give you some space, you might be able to put things in perspective? Doesn't matter if you have to dissemble a bit, but, once out, it would be very hard for him to justify coming back.

FloatingOnTheMed · 01/08/2006 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 17:13

Your parents sound fantastic, FOTM! My Dad used to tell my sister & myself that if we got pregnant while living under his roof he would have thrown us out.
Of course I need to see a solicitor before the house sale & a lot of the reason I am desperate to talk to him again & find out the facts.
H claims that he isn't seeing a solicitor until this house sells though.

Freckle, I am not sure that the needing some space line would work, as he is now trying to regain control after me being the one to see a solicitor without mentioning it to him first, & he is making out he doesn't care & that he can't wait to have his flat etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 17:32

I think it would be far healthier if he were to move out, as living together up until the house sale in this odd enviornment & then suddenly being well on the way to divorce, is going to be a big hard shock.
Getting used to living alone & being apart first would be far easier & more sensible IMO, but what can I do?!

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 01/08/2006 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 17:48

My Dad was ashamed enough that I was already 2 months pregnant on my wedding day, FOTM!

One thing that really gets to me now, is that the night before we got married, my Dad gave H a "Don't you ever hurt her, or I will kill you" talk, & now that all this has happened, he is on H's side!
I think if H had two timed me, he would have probably been angry with him, but he doesn't see H's anger problems as a reason for me to end the marriage, as he also has temper issues & thinks I deserve it!

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 01/08/2006 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 18:03

He is very close to my H & H has done lots of jobs for him. They also drink whiskey together & my Dad says that he sees him as a son.
H has made it clear that he will continue to do jobs for my Dad regardless of the situation.

OP posts:
spangles · 01/08/2006 20:28

Hopefully LW when H moves on with his life and meets someone else he wont be so keen to such close contact with your mum and dad.. hope you can get your solicitor to find a reason to get H to move out.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 01/08/2006 20:31

I was thinking that too, spangles. Good luck to any future girlfriends of his too!

OP posts:
spangles · 02/08/2006 08:16

Lets see how long his next partner puts up with his rules and regulations

spangles · 02/08/2006 08:18

Hope today goes well for you LW, also I have noticed Glitterfairy hasnt been on your thread... do you know if she is alright, or has she gone quiet because of her exH.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 08:44

Thanks, spangles.
I have my HV visiting me at 11.30am & then solicitor appt at 2.30pm, so lots going on today!
Looks like DS2 has the start of chicken pox too! Great!!

Glitterfairy has gone quiet due to her ex, but I am in contact with her & although she is under enormous stress & pressure, she remains very strong.

OP posts:
spangles · 02/08/2006 10:57

Hope all goes well with both the HV and the solicitor... please pass on my regards to GF.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 02/08/2006 11:11

Will do! Thanks spangles - will let you know how I got on as soon as I can. We have people coming to view the house at 4pm too!

OP posts: