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Original poster

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 25/07/2006 10:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 10:26

Just read through my first post that I typed out this morning. Please excuse all the dodgy mistakes at the end of the post, I was rushing!

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Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 10:26

Will let you know what they say when I get back.

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Blu · 25/07/2006 12:47

Hope CAB is good, and paddling pool fun.

Interesting that he enjoyed Boxing day most when you had gone to bed! He seems to have made the male members of your family into a little surrogate family of his own. But he just didn't take enough care over the most important person - you - did he? In fact he has trampled all over your needs in his rush to chummy up to your Dad and BIL.

Of course it isn't your fault. he was trying to force you to be happy by power of Next Furninshings, rather than being sensitive and caring to you as a partner. Why should you have felt happy - you are not his puppet!.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 13:45

CAB appointment lasted a good hour. He went over some of the things I might be able to claim for, including working family tax credit, council tax benefit & house benefits.
He said that I should get working family tax credit & would get a 25% reduction on my council tax, due to the fact I would be the only adult living in the house & that I may get council tax benefit, but that this & housing benefits would not be available to me if I had over £16,000 in savings, so I may have a problem if I had the money from the equity of this house in a savings account if I was renting.
He gave me a load of leaflets to take away & said I could make another appointment if I needed to.
I asked him if I would have to pay any tax on the money from the equity & he seemed to think I wouldn't.

H is at the park with the boys atm, so I am waiting for them to get back before taking them to the paddling pool later this afternoon. Think I may go & sit in the garden and read through some of these leaflets!

OP posts:
Blu · 25/07/2006 13:52

Sounds a very useful visit, LW. well done!

The savings business may be a reason to wait until you are in a position to sell and move directly into a smaller house? Tough if H insists on remaining that could be unbearable. Anyway, that decision will be best made in discussion with your solicitor.

Only a week to go - phew!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 14:05

One of my friends mailed me yesterday to say she had got next Wednesday afternoon off work, so can come along to solicitors appt with me to act as an extra pair of ears. Think this will be helpful, as there is so much you have to try & take in.
I am going to write down a list of questions that I need to ask him this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 15:25

Paddling pool visit was brief, as DS2 tripped up & went under water, resulting in him getting very distressed & wanting to come home!

Have just noticed that I missed the 1 out of 15% while doing my speedy post this morning, alongside my other mistakes!! Maths may not have ever been my strongest subject at school, but I am not that bad! Really should start previewing my messages before posting!

OP posts:
dinosaur · 25/07/2006 16:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 16:45

I spent the first 15 minutes trying to get him in the water, as he said it was too cold, & when I finally did, that happened & he refused to go back in!
They are now home & squabbling over DS1's gameboy!

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FloatingOnTheMed · 25/07/2006 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 20:34

I know, FOTM, & you would have thought I would know by now not to listen to him when he starts trying to turn the blame around, but I still do & can still sit there thinking "Maybe I am to blame for making him angry"
I come out of it when I think things through properly though.

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Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 20:45

This just doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

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bev1e · 25/07/2006 21:54

LW, I think it will be extremely hard going for a long while yet (sorry!) but you are doing a fab job of keeping it all together. You tried your utmost to keep the marriage together despite the horrendous mental and emotional abuse you have had to put up with. Don't let him tell you otherwise!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 23:10

I know it is, bev1e. I guess it is going to get harder before it gets better.
I am just such a mess of emotions atm & I feel like I will never pull myself through this. I think it is harder because he is here in the house, so I cannot move onto the next stage yet. I feel like I haven't moved on much emotionally since we had the big discussion & decided to end the relationship.

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Original poster
Lemmingswife · 25/07/2006 23:11

Does that make any sense?

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Original poster
Lemmingswife · 26/07/2006 08:37

Sorry about all these depressing moments I seem to be having atm. I think things may seem worse because I haven't got the distraction of work & he has been around a lot over the last few days.
Evenings can be the pits, as he is always in the lounge lying on the sofa & I feel I either have to go downstairs all night, or risk getting into an upsetting discussion with him.
I can seem to cope ok all day & then suddenly dissolve into tears over the silliest thing.
I am getting out with a friend tonight though.

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FloatingOnTheMed · 26/07/2006 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spangles · 26/07/2006 08:57

Dont worry about all the depressing moments your having... you are only human after all
I can imagine that evenings will be dificult but try to keep out of his way. Have you got a tv downstairs so that you dont have to sit with him? Dont let him see how upset you are.. I feel sure that he enjoys upsetting you because as he loses more and more control over you this is one way he can still have control over your feelings IYKWIM.
Dont get into any discussions with him unless its on a subject that you havent already talked about ie: when is he moving out.
One day all this WILL be a distant memory.

bev1e · 26/07/2006 14:58

It makes perfect sense, LW, and is completely normal to be experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions.

Hope you manage some light relief out with your friend this evening.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 26/07/2006 15:00

We have a TV in the kitchen above my computer, so I try & spend a lot of time down here when I can.
When I am out of the house I am fine & when I am with friends I am fine, it is being here in this house that gets me down - especially when he is around.
I still get upset when I stop & think about all this too deeply too. Even though I know this is the right thing to do & I couldn't possibly have carried on living the way I was, it is still so upsetting & will take a while for me to adjust.

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MrsApron · 26/07/2006 15:05

It will get better. I suppose in a way you are grieving for the present and future you thought you were going to have.

From the pov of someone who lived with a mum and dad who had a similar relationship to yours you are absolutely doing the right thing. All three of us have various issues related to living like that. Your children will grow up far happier and well balanced individuals not living in a household of fear.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 26/07/2006 15:15

Thank you for that reassurance, MrsApron. I saw my Mum briefly today & she told me that my Dad is finding it so hard to accept because of his upbringing. His parents apparantly stayed together even though there was really no marriage there & he claims they did this for the children & it was the best thing. He thinks I am doing the worst possible thing to my children.
I explained that I feel it is bad for the children to grow up suffering as a result of the way things are at home, but he feels this is nonsence & what I am doing is worse.

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MrsApron · 26/07/2006 15:21

I suppose he has to think like that or it makes his relationship with your mother wrong.

You know yourself that you are doing the right thing you do not want your lovely boys growing up and turning into
a) someone like your dad/your H
b)frightened victims who will be bullied because that is what they are used to.

Stay strong.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 26/07/2006 18:28

I know that my Dad will never approve of what I am doing, as like you say, that will mean facing the fact that his own relationships are wrong - both his own & that of his parents.
I know it is going to be horrible for the boys & it really upsets me, but I think I am doing what is best for them in the long run.

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