The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

[Lemmingswife]

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

I am going to needing you lot to keep me strong through this, because it is already getting to me so much. I feel on the verge of a breakdown!

Should say "to be needing you.."

Every weekend has been bad, hasn't it? I know you haven't got work to look froward to, but hopefully he will be out of the house a lot. Working, rather than gambling away his pension, hopefully.

Another Sunday night. Anothe w/e you have managed to get through, by hook or by crook. There's never a fast Forward or 'skip' button when you really need one, is there?

XXXXX

I am crap at weekends, Blu! I always seem to have a bad Sunday moment for some reason. Feel free to give me a good shake!

Chocolate Shake? Strawberry?, Vanilla chocolate fudge with marshamallows on top?

I think you need a treat more than anything, tbh!

Will go for vanilla chocolate fudge with marshmellows on top, that sounds good!!

Even at my lowest points (like tonight), I feel sure I am doing the right thing & will not allow myself to cave into it all, but I also feel so crap. I just can't imagine ever feeling happy again atm.

Oh, LW, this is all so unfair. I'm so upset for you about this not-moving-out thing.

You are being brilliant, and that inner determination and knowledge that you ARE doing the right thing will carry you through, inch by inch.

Is he on early or late this week?

Have just thought - are you ever tempted to poison him?
You can see how women get to that ppint, can't you? Ooops -'MN encourages people to poisoin each other'. Not a good reputation!

Keep hanging on in there LW. You will be happy again I promise.

yes, you will. But that will come in it's own time, when you are not looking.

He is on nights tonight, off tomorrow & then on 12 hours for the rest of the week.
Sorry for my depressing Sunday moment, it seems to happen every week! Will hopefully be a little better tomorrow.

Have not thought about poisoning him, Blu...but now you have put that thought into my head...

Sorry about my miserable Sunday moment last night. I always seem to get really down on a Sunday, for some unknown reason!
He is around today & in a bad mood. Wish he was at work.

He is making me out to be the bad one & making me feel bad about myself. Hate this.

Keep him out of your head, LW. You KNOW you are not the bad one.
yes, you initiated this split...but look what he did, for years and years and years.

You have behaved SO well during this marriage. he could not have asked for more and he abused you generosity and your lovely spirit.

Don't let him get to you, keep him out of the spcae inside yourself that is YOU.

What's he saying?

That I never spoke to him enough, that I got braver around my sister, that I couldn't even speak to him about seeing a solicitor, that I should have been happier about the work he did in this house, that our marriage has been dead for a long time & he doesn't give a shit anymore.

I have tried to speak to him loads.

It sounds a bit as if he is going over in his own mind the break up. However horrible he has been, and still is being, he is obviously going through his own upset at the break up. And typically, he needs to push the blame onto you.

The thing about the solicitor is really bugging him, isn't it?

But all this sounds as if he is going through his own stuff. None of it is anything you should feel guilty about at all! God, LW, he's had you in a state of fear for how many years, how were you meant to tlak to him more? And you have been grateful for things he did around the house - ecept it's very perfection was such a source of opression and restriction for you and the boys. You wanted a home, not a shrine to DIY!

I can see that he probably feels sorry for himself - and that you feel sorry for him too. But that doesn't ALSO mean you have to feel guilty.

XXXXX

I know that he spent lots of money moving here & I hate myself for not being stronger & putting a stop to the sale, but I was very scared of him at the time & he admits he would have been cross with me.

I guess your right, he is maybe feeling sorry for himself & trying to shift the blame & when he does this I do feel bad.
If he wasn't here, he wouldn't be getting to me.

Look at it like a job. If your employer were so horrible to you that you decided you had to leave (constructive dismissal), would you think it was your fault? No, of course not. If your employer said "well, you never said that you didn't like me being horrible to you", would you think you were in the wrong? No, because you should never have been placed in that position in the first place.

You are right, he is trying to shift a lot of the blame as he often does. He said that we didn't talk enough, & that this is something his counsellor pointed out, but we had loads of very serious talks, most of which were started by me & the very reason he went to the counsellor was because of the result of one of these talks.
He went on about how deflated he felt when he had spent hours decorating the lounge in this house & my face did not change when I walked in the room. I apologised for this, but said that I was very unhappy at that time & that we moved at a time that we really shouldn't have, as our relationship was in a very bad way.
He claims not to have realised this, but he must have known, as we had a discussion weeks before the move, when I told him that he either got some kind of anger management, or I would leave him for the sake of the boys.
He then went on about recent visits to my sisters house & how he seemed to be made to feel welcome by everyone but me & how his favourite moments there on boxing day, were when I had gone to bed & he was alone with my Dad & BIL.
He then said how this marriage has been dead a long time & how he didn't give a sh*t anymore.
He has decided to take 80% of the blame now rather than 95%! I think I can cope with another 5% of blame!
I did start thinking that maybe I have been horrible, that I should have been more thankful for him doing the lounge etc & that maybe I am not a very nice person, because I always get like this after he has given me one of these talks. I have thought lots of it through though & guess a lot of it is him trying to make me feel bad.
He got annoyed with me last night for daring to go into the lounge & putting on a parenting programme on, as he hates these kind of programmes & likes to watch what he wants to watch on the lounge TV. He said that he couldn't wait until he has got his flat!

Well that's a good sign. Hopefully he does get his own flat!

Got an appointment at CAB in half an hour & then going to take boys to the paddling pool this afternoon.