The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

[Lemmingswife]

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

I am really not one to be admired! I am a big wuss!

I only know that DS2 said this because H told me, but I know DS2 would have approached H like this, as he adores him.

As I said LW it is good they adore him and so much healthier in the long run.

As for his mum if you would rather not tell her I understand but then you will have to let him call the shots as far as telling her goes.

I guess you are right, GF. He could tell her anything & she could end up hating me for upsetting her little boy!
He would probably get very angry with me if I mentioned anything to her though.

I know it is healthier that the boys love their Dad so much, but it makes this so much harder, as I feel for them so badly & worry about the affect this is going to have on them.

It is a balance LW but in the end him getting angry is becoming less and less important isnt it? After all you are splitting up and you no longer need to either impress him or make him happy.

On the other hand how will his mum feel left in the dark and not knowing a thing? She may feel you should have told her I dont really know but this should no longer be about him it should be about what makes you happy and comfortable. One of the great reliefs is not having to lie to anyone any more about your so called happy marriage!

You are right, GF, but for some reason his nastiness can still get to me a bit.
I have been out of the house most of today, but I come into a house with a horrible H (he seems to be in a horrible mood today) & I feel very fed up.

I shouldn't let him affect me anymore, but all the time he is still here it's hard.
We had been in minutes when he called me into the lounge because DS2's sunhat was left on the floor. I said "It's not hurting anyone there is it?"
He said "It will hurt you if it's not picked up"

He is going out to play poker with his friends tonight, which no doubt will have money involved.

Of course it can my X hasnt lived wiht me for 9 months and his nastiness still gets to me! From my perspective it will be hurtful for some time and I just dont fight it but accept it. I still have feelings for him but I know I hate his guts. You cannot turn off feelings after so many years and again I dont fight it but recognise them and put them away. I think it is pretty natural becuase thesesmen have been part of our lives for so long and have conditioned us to try to behave for their pleasure. It is hard to work against that and strike out on your own adn makes you feel very uncomfortable. Also disloyalty is a huge button of mine and my X is really good at pushing all my buttons very fast!

It will take patience and lots of pain but in the end piece by piece I will (and so will you) dismantle him from my life. In the meantime dont forget about yourself because you are going to need all of your mental and physical strength to go through wiht this.

Its crap LW real absolute abuse! He needs to go and be locked out create a scene and then call the police. I would pack his bags and lock him out and then when he creates the scene call the police!

Write that down LW, it's threatened abuse, and make sure you tell your solicitor about it.

Was there anything stopping him picking it up - no, he just left it on the floor to have a go at you about.

You are doing a great job, though you may not feel like that sometimes, and you will get through this.

He has never hurt me physically

There was nothing stopping him picking the hat up, CQ. He was just lying on the sofa watching TV.

I know he has never hurt you physically, but the threats are also abusive.

Even thumping the wall in your presence is abusive.

I know they are & he still makes me feel scared for some reason, even though he has never been physical.

Ugh - it's the same old stuff, isn't it LW? he thinks he can have you scurrying round his ankles like a cowed dog. How dare he talk to you like that!?

What does he say if you just say 'don't threaten me again, please.'?

He is being a complete...word that I NEVER use!!

I don't know what he would say, Blu, as I am too much of a wuss to stand up to him fully. He would get very angry with me.

Well, there's no point spending your energy trying to change him any more - you have done that and it didn't work. I think this whole thing proves that he really can't change, and definitley that the whole being nice and I'm going to be a better ex than I was H' was all manipulative twaddle. And no point in getting into a row for the sake of it. I bet he was flexing his top dog instinct after you stood up to him about the golf the other day. I don't even think that constant rowing and standing up to him would create a good reslut like getting him to move out.
Grrrrrrr. But his time will come. He's going to get a shock when the divorce starts, and no amount of running to your parents and his bloody mates will help him get the better of the law. hah!

Too true, Blu!
I am getting so fed up of all this now.
He is off out in 10 minutes, wearing some £80 shirt he has been out & bought himself today, so at least I will have peace tonight.

Just before H left to go out he asked me if I was alright, as I looked fed up.
I told him that I was angry with him for trying to threaten me into picking up DS's hat.
He laughed at me & said "It is not like I would have thrown you out of the window or anything!"

He makes me cross sometimes.

I am feeling very upset again tonight. I saw a picture of H & me on our wedding day & am very emotional again. Sundays seem to be a bad day in general for some reason.

Even having followed your story I'm quite horrified by his latest remark, LW. It will hurt you if the hat stays on the floor, what does that mean? I know it wouldn't really solve anything but would be fab if you could just say "what do you mean by that? Are you threatening to hurt me?" - it's just so threatening and not something that anyone should say to their spouse.

I agree with the word Blu is choosing not to use

But also with earlier comments about why you are even speaking to him about this stuff. What is to be gained by telling him you are angry that he threatened you - nothing, except that he knows he got to you.

I really feel it's like a war, you cannot give any ground to this man, either by acknowledging hurt he has done you, or by engaging him emotionally on things like his gambling. It's all designed to undermine you and damage your confidence, because he wants to make it clear that he - and he alone - controls the money. Unfortunately for him we don't live in 1906 but even so, you have a fight on your hands to get control over enough of the money to support you all. I do think you need to focus on that, and nothing but that, in your relationship with H. The rest is history.

LW - I haven't posted before, but I have been following your story. I just wanted to say, I really admire you, you are in a horrid situation with little support from your family, but you are sticking to your guns (such a strange saying).

The advice given here is really really useful, I know you have an appointment 2nd Aug which isn't that far away, but if it feels to far away, it wouldn't hurt to ring every day to see if there is a cancellation.

I always find Sundays such an emotional day even on a good day. and you can't forget how you felt for him, but you are SO doing the right thing. Your LO's will be better off withou the strained atmosphere, and they will get to spend quality of time with your soon to be X, rather than a couple of hours here and there. And more importantly you will be happier.

Just reading about his actions at the momemt, remind me of a friends ex P who was trying to bully (in various ways) her into changing her mind about the separation, including the showing off the expenditure of money and the I can come and go as I please kind of thing.

if she showed any response, he thought it was a sign that she still 'cared' about him and he thought he had a 'chance' some men are just so f**ked up and just play stupid mind games. she changed her mind once, BIG BIG mistake, one that she didn't repeat.

So stay strong, am thinking of you and sending you good vibes

You are right, tribpot, I shouldn't let him see he has got to me. I guess this is the result he wants right now.
I found his comment over the hat quite alarming, although I don't think he would actually hurt me, he still made me feel very churned up after he came out with it.
I saw my sister today & told her about some of the recent goings on. She said that it was obvious that he was playing games & desperately trying to regain control, due to the fact that I was the one to call the shots re the divorce. He has tried the ultra nice bit, which has worked in the past for him & got nowhere, so is now trying to be as difficult as he possibly can & make out he is not bothered.
I shouldn't let him get to me, but all the time he is still around me he still has the ability to upset me.
Today I don't seem to be coping too well emotionally, which happens here & there. He is at work, so cannot see that I am upset though.

Thank you, madrose.