The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

[Lemmingswife]

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

LW my dad has been very supportive but I dont speak to my mum at all because of her support for X and her abusive relationship with me in the past. She has worked against me all the time and whilst it was hurtful in the beginning it is better now as I realise that I am better off without her.

It is always hurtful if the poeple who should support you dont but make it their problem not yours. It is a reflection of them not you and their complete inadequacy.

You know, thinking back to people on MN who have had difficult break-ups with abusive men, quite a few have had parents who either refused to support them at all, or actively sided with the ex. I hope they won't mind me mentioning them, but esbee, twinkie, now you, gf, and others.

I truly belive abusive men have either a conscious or unconscious ability to seek out women who have already had their support and self-esteem undermined, women with no 'bolt-hole', and that they are cowardly enough to avoid women with a family who will confront a badly behaved H.

It sounds bizarre that your Ps react the way they do, LW, but it doesn't seem to be that uncommon.

Blu, you are absolutely spot on. We are made into the people we are by our upbringing. If we are used to being the underdog, put-down, left unsupported etc etc - it is a role that we automatically slip into.
Bullies unconsciously seek out such people because they know they can get away with their worst behaviour.
Took me a year of counselling to work that out. Now I've found my inner-Gabrielle & it feels good!!!
LW, I think you should ask your parents not to see your H anymore. Has your solicitor given you any advice about how you can get this git out of the house? There must be a way!!!!

You are right, Blu. My HV mentioned this during her last visit. She said that I had basically married my parents & that these kind of men are drawn towards women who are vunerable in some way.
I don't know if H was attracted to me because of this, but I have certainly put up with more than a lot of women would, because I thought it was the norm.
I remember how my parents used to make a joke out of the fact that I would get in such a state as a child that my legs would go rigid. They used to laugh about my stiff legs, but this would happen because I was in such a state that I didn't know what to do with myself.
I was telling my HV that there have been occasions where H has got me in this state as an adult & I have felt myself go rigid.
She told me that this is why I must leave.

He has been helping my Dad paint his fence today.

He needs to leave LW! Hope you have a plan for this weekend.

Have finished work for the summer now. Dreading the holidays, but hoping to do bits with the boys to get us out of the house.
Have had a nice afternoon with my colleagues today.

Thanks, dinosaur.
I had to laugh at your afterlife comment!
I hope all is good with you atm.x

He has now gone to the pub to meet his friends.

Good!

Good that you are good, dino, not that he has gone to pub!

I did get round to see a friend & drunk a whole bottle of wine in the process!!
Was a bit of a lightweight though, as I needed to go home to bed at 10.30pm!

He still hasn't mentined any of what is happening to his Mum, yet he has told coutless other people, as when I last had a night out, I was getting loads of people come up to me & say how sorry they were to hear we were seperating.

But really that is up to him LW. If you are going seperate ways the way he deals with his family is his business. IN the meantime if you want to talk to her I see no reason why you have to wait for him just let him know you want to talk to her and expect him to have told her.

What is happening wiht the kids?

She comes around to take care of the boys sometimes & it is so hard putting on a front that all is okay.

DS1 has finished school for the summer now, so I will have to find lots to keep them entertained. He made a card for Daddy today, saying "I hope you are enjoying your painting!"

It is good they love him still though LW mine are so ambivalent and that makes sending them for contact visits so hard.

Can you not tell his mother?

They adore him, GF. This is what makes it all so hard.

I would rather he told his mother.

LOL at pots of boiling creosote!

They will still have their Daddy, LW. Maybe not morning noon and night, maybe not every day, but they will have regular, frequent and, hopefully, quality time with their Dad. He might actually be gentler and more tolerant of them if he doesn't have to live with the worry about the crumbs and scratches. Better to have a Daddy who loves them and they love, but who they may see less routinely than before, than a daddy who they don't love because of anyting he has done, iyswim.

I do see exactually what you mean, Blu & know that in the long term I am doing the right thing, but it is hard seeing them all over him, drawing him pictures etc etc.

I do see your point though.

And i know it must be harder than hell and bring a lump to your throat.

You are so strong and brave.

We really are all in admiration of you.

It does upset me loads. He picked DS2 up from nursery today because I couldn't be there, & he ran up to him shouting "Daddy!"
It is so hard.